enter the sky

2012! 2012!

2012-01-11T18:17:00.002-07:00

It's a new year, and we have a lot of things going on for us. Like approximately one baby in my lungs (it's an odd feeling).

I've decided that this year, my goal is to be more positive. If you know me really well, you know I don't react all that well to change. The funny thing is, my life will change more this year than probably any other, and change will probably become my middle name.

First things first: moving out of our apartment, and into my in-laws house. I am actually really relieved this is happening--sad, because I always feel sort of sad and nostalgic when we move. So much good has come to us while living at our place, but it's time, and our circumstances will just be made so much easier with this change. So move we will!

And then we will have two new members of our family in the spring. I am really SO EXCITED. Totally and completely terrified as well, but it's exciting to think this is really happening and I'm not dreaming.

Yesterday, we had a doctor visit and I had to do the glucose drink for gestational diabetes test. One thing I've learned so far while being pregnant is this: nothing is as bad as most people make it out to be. Exclamation point! I was really dreading it. To be honest, it wasn't bad, everything went well, and our girls are looking so good. One bonus of having twins is that I've had an ultrasound at every appointment, and we've gotten to see them grow, which is nice--I'm a visual person (and a heavy worrier), so the confirmation that they're really in there is good for me. Yesterday, baby A was kicking baby B while she was napping, so I'm hoping that means we'll have at least one mellow child. It was a little funny to watch those legs go nuts, and all the while, the other one just didn't care too much. All along, I've thought baby B was the mover and shaker but I think it's the other way around; I guess I can't feel baby A as much because she's so low? I'm not sure.

I love my doctor. She makes me feel so calm. I told her I thought I was having contractions/Braxton Hicks last Saturday night in the middle of the night, and she said she was glad (!!) because that means I can feel contractions, I'll know what they'll feel like, and it's normal to have them around this stage, as long as they don't get worse/more frequent, etc. Which is great, because I was really freaking out on Saturday night... until I fell asleep again--whoops. Ha! (Right now, I'm 24 weeks, will be 25 on Thursday, hence why I was freaking out. Didn't know you can get those well before the time your baby's supposed to come.)

I'm not sleeping as well at night, but I go to bed early enough that it's not too bad. Honestly, I really thought being pregnant with twins was going to be a battlefield nightmare. I am here to tell you that it hasn't been so, and I have been SO blessed to be able to work and continue on with life as (mostly) normal while my housband can keep going to school. And guess WHAT! This is his last year of undergraduate education, so who knows where we'll be come December. It's exciting and scary. I am just really happy with where we're at right now, because I know things could be so different for us. Things have a strange and silly way of working themselves out, even if it's not what I really had in mind at all.

So this year, I really want to work on complaining less, working hard to be a better person, and have a positive outlook. I really value people who tell me positive things about pregnancy/life/marriage/change/whatever, and I want to be that for other people.

But I do have to say that I am pretty disappointed that I burnt more than half the cupcakes I made last night. Apparently I can't read directions anymore, and with that, let me say that my brain has officially become even less accommodating of common sense than it was before being pregnant, so there's that. A fun adjustment!

Life is good! 2012 will not be the year of the beast! In fact, I am going to go erase that chalkboard now! (You can read about 2011 and its self-fulfilling prophecy here.) I don't know why I haven't already erased it! 2012! The best year ever!

A bunch of GIRLS!

2011-12-15T16:59:00.002-07:00

And in a surprising turn of events, we have discovered that I am housing two females in my womb.

So, girls it is, I suppose! We still don't know if they're identical or fraternal. I will keep you posted.

This is real. This is really real.

2011-12-09T08:47:00.000-07:00

The other night, I was having trouble sleeping because I couldn't get too comfortable. (I'm thinking this will soon be a much bigger/an actual problem for me.) Anyway, when I thought about it in the morning, the reason I was so uncomfortable was because of my huge (?) belly.

Let me tell you something. It's not that big. Yet.

I think my mind is getting a little carried away already.

Then again, I have this picture in my mind of my stomach becoming so large that it'll look like there's a couple of full-blown toddlers in there, standing head to toe, perpendicular to my body. (Kind of like this illustration I just drew for you. Though in my mind, they are much bigger than this. There's only so much I can do with my computer, ok? Also, I guess hands are overrated.)

So. I guess I'm not one for reasonable expectations.

Also, I googled images of huge pregnant women. And one of the photos had a caption of "why pregnant women don't fall over." !!

A conversation at home.

2011-12-08T17:45:00.001-07:00

Me: Did you look at my Christmas wishlist?

Anonymous: Yeah, like 22 times.

...

Anonymous: I was not impressed.

Life and all about it, lately.

2011-12-05T17:47:00.001-07:00

I've been kind of a bad blogger, but truth be told, I feel ok about it, mostly because posting from my mobile telephone isn't the most pleasant experience. (Because we don't have internet at home.) (And just got rid of cable television.) (Hello, Siberia, it's nice to live here.)

But then I remember that I'll want to remember the ins and outs of life before we have two kids (holy cow, that still seems weird to me) and life will be totally different.

So, lately, we're watching a lot of movies. We opted out of TV for budgetary reasons, but I've actually not really minded not having it.

Our heat went out about a week ago, and therefore I'm so SO grateful for a now-working furnace. This has actually happened to us twice before in our current apartment, and the last time, it was the middle of winter. We have two space heaters already, lucky for us, but they're not ideal--better that than nothing, though, because it's cold. Our landlord called a guy and said it was a 5-minute fix; I guess there was a piece of plastic caught in it somewhere that made it not work properly? I'm not completely sure, but after being admittedly quite grumpy since being pregnant, I was not too happy until I came home for lunch one day and there was heat.

Also fun: I have some sort of weird bug bites on my leg. I saw my doctor and a dermatologist last week and they're going away, but they've been here for 2-or-so weeks. I debated writing about this at all here, but since I've completely stopped writing in my journal for now and, sad to say, this is the closest thing I have to a journal, I kinda want to remember the funny little things that seem to happen to me and NEVER ever not once to my housband--I guess I'm glad he's healthy. (Sort of like how last winter I got a cough which may have cracked a rib, several colds in a row, bacterial laryngitis, then another cold with an ear infection--and he got nothing. All winter.) Anyway, the dermatologist thinks they're flea bites, but after having my dogs checked out and finding they're flea-free, I'm thinking they're probably not. I originally thought they were hives due to being pretty stressed out about being my brother's wedding photographer/flying to San Francisco/flying while pregnant with twins, but they are not hives either! So weird.

Oh yeah. I went to San Francisco. I've never been there before and didn't see too much of it, but it was absolutely beautiful, and I forgot what Utah winter was like, only to be rudely reminded upon leaving the airport in Salt Lake. All of my siblings were at my brother's wedding, all of us in the Temple, but none of our spouses/kids came (except for my kids, I don't really have a choice right now). It was a little weird without the hubbub of everyone, but strangely natural. I kinda like those guys. Their husbands/wives/kids are pretty cool, too, and I missed them. But it was kind of cool to have the original 5 of us together.

I have a new photography website coming up, and I honestly think all my brain power is being swallowed by babies because I'm having the most difficult time of figuring out the most simple things, so it might be a little bit before I can get it up and going. My photo blog is still kind of a thing, but again... no internet at home... kinda hard.

Lastly, I'll leave you with two photos of my buddies.

Here's my housband holding the dogs (who were flailing wildly). I'd like to say he doesn't carry the giant one around, but he kind of does. (Don't tell him I told you.) Also, he decided he and Bert are best friends around Thanksgiving, and Bert promptly forgot I existed and refused to acknowledge me at all. So now Pedro* has begun to ignore Bert once again, and Bert likes me once more. I'd be lying if I said I don't worry our kids will do the same. (I semi-secretly wonder why everybody loves Pedro and thinks I'm boring? Yeah Pedro's fun and all, children, adults, animals and everyone in between. BUT WHAT ABOUT ME?)

(*Again, not his real name, it just gets difficult to not call my housband by a name, ok?)

And when we ride in the car, Bagheera gets tired and Bert decides to sit on him. I don't know why. Perhaps for a better view out the window? Possibly. The dog's not the brightest, but sometimes I wonder if he just acts dumb but secretly knows a lot of stuff. Could be.

I'm about 18-19 weeks right now, and feeling pretty good. I recently got a different kind of prenatal vitamins, but I think I'll switch back because these ones are making more nauseous than I've been the whole time I've been pregnant. Oh, and about the 18-19 weeks thing? I originally based how far along I am on the first-day-of-my-last-period thing, but then my doctor gave me a different due date, which is almost a week later than I originally thought, so I don't know which I am, really. I generally think I'm 19 weeks (because twins come early, most often). Is that weird? Do you see how my brain is not working?

This is such a long blog post. I'm so sorry about that.

Coming soon to a theater near you...

2011-11-17T17:04:00.001-07:00

My twin children. Due in May. Will probably come in April (but who knows?!).

To tell you the truth, this photo is a little old--from the beginning of October, actually.

Here are a couple updated ones.

This is baby A (on the right, he's* upside down). He'll probably come first, since he's lower, the same one which was on the bottom in the previous photo. You can see a little of baby B on the left there, but we didn't get any good ones with both in the same shot this last time. *And yes, we think this one's a he. Not 100% sure, but we think this one at least is a boy.

This is baby B. We're not sure if this one is a boy or girl; the doctor said she thought it looked like a girl, but then changed her mind to boy. I love this one's little hand by his/her face... looks like a little white dot, but that's a hand. Sorry about the quality--I do have a scanner, but it's not even on the same floor of my apartment as my computer right now, so this is what you get.

The official ultrasound to find out genders is on December 12th. We think it would be kind of fun to have one of each, but two boys (or girls) would be fantastico, too!

Best part of having twins: ultrasounds at every doctor visit.

Worst part: I'm pretty sure I'm going to be huge. (But I will do it anyway. Because I already love them.) (Side note: I used to think, growing up, that when I got the chance to be pregnant with a child, I'd just eat a ton of cake and use it as an excuse to get REALLY FAT and eat whenever/whatever/however I wanted. And then recently I realized all the horrors of what's wrong with that plan.)

Also, we are keeping our dogs, I don't know if I'll be working after they're born, we sold our other car and bought the subaru to accommodate all the BABIES coming up in our lives, and no, we weren't planning on twins. (I didn't know you could "plan" on twins?) If asked, my housband likes to say, "we were planning on the first one. The second was just a bonus."

I'm not offended by questions, I just get asked a lot of the same ones.

We're excited. Super-duper excited, you might say.

The real story, part 3.

2011-11-08T17:57:00.001-07:00

(Do you remember this at all? It's really delayed, but I want to finish writing it, so here it is. The story of how my housband and I met, then got together!! Read part 1 here, and part 2 here.)

I felt weird about him leaving on his mission... actually, I was quite struck by how sad I was; I had a bunch of guy friends leaving on missions, and though he was the first, I can't really recall feeling that way about any of my other friends when they left. I sincerely missed him.

I wrote him a few letters over time, and he wrote back funny and interesting letters detailing his life. I missed him a lot. I wrote a couple other friends also on missions, but none were special to me like his. I never really thought much of it, beyond the fact that I enjoyed writing him and getting letters back, though I didn't write much.

Most of his letters were typed up via email, and his mom or someone would print them out and mail them to me. Once, though, in the fall of 2005, I received a letter from Honduras. It had his spidery handwriting on the envelope, which I knew so well from having a class with him--I'd never seen such small and distinct handwriting, and I immediately knew it was from him. I was so elated. I opened up the envelope and he'd sent me a few pictures describing different places he'd been along with his letter. He says now that he's not sure why he sent me photos, maybe because he knew I liked photography, but he never sent any to anybody besides maybe family. They were so special to me. I showed them to my roommates, so excited to tell them about my friend who was on his mission and how funny he was. Getting letters from him was so exciting... I still wonder why I didn't write him more often.

Anyway, February 2007, he was scheduled to come home. I remember thinking he'd probably come home Valentine's day, and I was SO excited. I saw his brother working at this pizza place I used to go to and asked him when he would be coming home; I even had a friend call and ask when his homecoming talk in church would be. I was so nervous, I couldn't talk to his family myself.

He was delayed a few days, and in the meantime, I traveled with some of my friends to Colorado for the weekend. I'll never forget sleeping in my friend's little sister's bed, looking out the octagon shaped window at the darkened night sky, and feeling such excitement about him coming home. Everyone asked me if we were more than friends, because I couldn't help but mention him coming home, and the answer was obviously no, but I think, somewhere, I had the hope of maybe someday something happening, even if I wouldn't have admitted it at the time.

But I had no idea what he thought of me.

On the drive home from Colorado, I finally figured that he would be home by then. We stopped in Price, Utah, and after getting back on the road, my phone rang. I didn't recognize the number, but I answered anyway. Turns out, it was his best friend Jacob, and my housband was there with him. A minute later, I talked to him. I was BEYOND excited. It was so fantastic. We agreed that he'd come over to my house later on that night, so as soon as I got home, I called him, then cleaned like a crazy person.

That night, he came over. I asked him if I could hug him in my dark entry way. It was awkward. We talked, and I felt like I could barely breathe--I was that excited. He told me about eating a turtle, the crazy people he met, what it was like for two years in a foreign country. I enjoyed it so much. I was so excited to have my best friend back.

He came over the next day. I tried to pretend like I didn't care too much or that it didn't matter he chose to spend his time with me; I didn't have a particularly busy semester, so I had a lot of free time. He came over, and we watched music videos. I remember watching Regina Spector's video for "Fidelity" at least once a day--it became a pattern. He came over almost every day until he began working, mostly because it gave him something to do, but soon I think we both realized we liked spending time together. We had both grown up, neither of us was as mean as we had been (haha!), and it was nice to have a reliable friend.

A couple weeks later, we were dating after we admitted to each other that we liked one another.

After that, we dated for a while, were engaged for a bit, then got married.

IT WAS AWESOME.

So that's how it happened. Not as fantastic as it sounds, yes? But let me tell you: it was. Everything about dating him was so great. Though I worried writing down the experience would make it feel cheap, it was so much more than what I could ever write. When I think back to how we got together, what it was like when we dated, I just remember it as just the most fantastic thing. He was my first and only love--and I love it that way.

It has been a dream to be married to him. He is just the best.

I need you so much closer

2011-10-27T22:24:00.001-06:00

Tonight, I drove home from work as the sun went down. The light, blue from sunset, was perfect, and I noticed the leaves--which were just bright yellow, the same which I wanted to photograph but never did--had fallen off, leaving tree limb and shoulder bare. Now the leaves rest in gutters and a strip sleeps down the middle of wide, tree-lined streets. My favorite part of fall.

Did I ever write about my dog, Patches? I remember what felt so fresh and painful as winter after we put her to sleep, though it was the end of May. I remember it feeling so important that I grieved at the time, didn't hold it in. Sometimes when I was that young--19--often, actually, I felt I was broken and there were a lot of things wrong with me. Somehow, one of the things I took away from Patches was that I was, am, a whole person. The autumn which followed was one of the happiest I can remember, and the spring after, I began dating my housband.

I suppose, sometimes, things dying, seasons changing, is healing, even when I dread the change. I suppose I'm enjoying this autumn more than I thought I would.

I restarted the song Transatlantacism over and over, feeling all the world that I was 19 again and bills, worries, taxes, and the world went away, if only for just a minute, and the only real important thing is that guy's letter he just sent from Honduras, written in his handwriting, with pictures of him in front of the ocean, by a statue, in a new country, and maybe, privately, thinking I need you so much closer, and then smiling because it's kind of, maybe, true.

Tonight, that's what fall felt like.

I opened my front door, and that guy, the one who sent me pictures (for whatever reason, we were just friends then, after all) sitting on my couch.

I love that song.

Once upon a time,

2011-10-17T22:08:00.000-06:00

I didn't have internet at home for three years. And then one day, MAGIC! Some magical, un-intending neighbor shared it with me and my humble abode. It was paradise, especially when my spouse lived a state away and I needed something with which to fill my time for a summer.

And then those neighbors moved.

And all those in the land weeped and wailed.

Or just watched more TV.

So I haven't been blogging. But. I have been doing other important things, which I will soon tell you about, but I don't want this to be like OH HEY GUYS, I ONLY COME HERE WHEN THINGS ARE EXCITING! Because, hey, life's exciting, you know?

For example: my dog, Bert (aka Bird, Berty, Birdy, Bewt, etc.) got this awesome haircut earlier in the summer. I wrote about it here, remember? Coincidentally, that post started the same way as this post, and I didn't even plan it! How serendipitous! Anyway, Bert's mohawk began to grow out, and I thought he looked dumb with a part down the center of his head--he's not that homely. So I gave him a headcut, which is also known as a haircut just on his head (and his bum! I know you're concerned about his bum, but you shouldn't be... I'm watching out for that bum and trim it, so he leads a very comfortable life).

And the moral of the story is, now my dog and I have the same stupid home haircut. I think he pulls it off better than I do. I would show you, but I'm not at home with him, and secondly, I don't like posting a lot of photos of myself. It feels weird to me, and I know some bloggers do it but no thanks for me. For now. Especially since I didn't wash my hair today, thanks to dry shampoo, and I feel especially homely.

The second moral of the story is that I have been cutting my hair for nearly a year now, and do you know what happens when you cut your own hair for a year, especially when you don't have a license in that sort of thing? Your hair doesn't grow out because honestly, you have no idea what you're doing. So you chop and fix and snip here and there, and suddenly, you've got much less hair than when you started.

So I'm looking into maybe doing something about that here soon, and also, putting away the scissors.

Lastly, I have a lot of flowers left over from this summer that I made. I listed several on my etsy shop, so if you're interested, stop by! They're just hanging out at my house, hoping for a new home that's more exciting than mine. They do, in fact, have feelings. You can check out the few I have listed right over here: http://www.etsy.com/shop/ashgphoto.

Ok I lied, THIS is the last thing: I have a new photography website in the works. My old url goes to nothing, but fear not! I do have one lined up, I'm just waiting on a new logo and I have a few other finishing touches to go before it'll be live.

Oh, and we sold our car and bought a new one.

So... I suppose life is a little exciting right now.

Oh, hi, September.

2011-09-15T21:04:00.000-06:00

Have I ever told you that I don't really like Autumn? I used to--I used to like it a lot. And then I turned 21 and was seriously dating my husband and I figured that he would propose to me in the Autumn. (I was right.) And I was so freaked out about the possibility of young marriage, it ruined nearly the entire season for me and all the Autumns ever since.

(Guess what. I got married and survived. And thrived, even. TA-DAH! Just a survival story for those of you who need something inspirational.)

It's something I'm working on to this day: reconciling my Autumnal feelings.

This is all to say: I am really tired. I still like you, but I'm just tired.

If I were to post recent events, they would flow something like this: I asked my neighbors not to smoke out back. I had such liberating feelings because they were really cool about it (and I was so scared to do it), but then I feel guilty they all have to walk so far--aka the end of the building, probably 50 feet away--to smoke. (Have I ever told you I feel guilty about virtually everything? That's a fun thing.)

Also, someone wrote all over my car windows the other night. I thought it might be gangsters (you never KNOW!) but what kind of gangster writes STRESS on your windshield but doesn't steal your stereo? A gangster who writes on 8 other cars in the complex, that's who. I got to talk to the cops. It was fancy.

This photo was taken after I'd already scrubbed off the "s" with rubbing alcohol. Also, this is what those window paint/markers/whateveritwas looks like after going through the carwash, and being sprayed 10+ times by washer fluid. (Hint: it doesn't come off until you break out the big guns.)

At preschool, there are a couple kids who are BARELY three. It's kind of rough. For both of us. They are just so LITTLE. Then again, I forget about how little they all are until they say a certain thing or laugh a certain way or do a certain thing, and I remember how much they just need to be little kids. How much I need them to be little kids, or even sometimes how much I miss being a little kid.

So, that's me lately. What about you, anyway?

I am having just the best day.

2011-08-31T20:50:00.001-06:00

This came in the mail, and was sitting on my front porch with no disguise whatsoever (good thing there's a big bush that hid it, geez).

AND THEN, I got some watercolors, and a sketchbook, and some other artsy craps. And I love them. I'm too tired to try them out tonight though.

It was a good day, a real good day, chap (and not just because I got some junk in the mail). Thanks for asking.

Sewing machine!

2011-08-27T15:23:00.002-06:00

This summer, my housband worked real hard at a gold mine and made some money. I told him I wanted a sewing machine for my birthday, but it worked out that he was going to send me to Denver with his little sister for the weekend after instead.

And one blown up car engine later, I didn't go to Denver. I was sad. Real sad.

But THEN he saved money for me & gave it to me in a wad of cash so I could buy a sewing machine. I ordered it today from Amazon (that website is my best friend, by the way), and I am so so soooooooooooo excited to get it.

I'm hoping to make so many skirts for myself, mostly because I am really tired of buying expensive (or even not expensive) skirts which don't fulfill all my hopes and dreams. I have a lot of skirt dreams, you know?

I bought a Brother machine. I've been going back and forth between this one and a Singer, but there were so many bad reviews on newer Singer machines that I ultimately decided on this one. So, if you have it and hate it............ maybe don't tell me right now.

Updated shop!

2011-08-25T23:12:00.002-06:00

If you look over there to the left (well, if you're on my actual blog, not my google reader. It's cool, I know how you people (& me) work), you can see I updated my flower shop with a few things!

Visit ashgphoto.etsy.com and see my soooo cute wall hanging--at least I think it's cute--a bouquet, and a couple other small flowers. I have more coming, I'm just so slow.

Plus, I have up on my photo blog one of my favorite sessions from this year--one of my best friends little girl, Malea. I LOVE her.

And that is all the plugging I will do tonight. OK thanks bye!

I start preschool tomorrow.

2011-08-23T23:01:00.001-06:00

And I'm going to learn to read!

Tonight, we met with the new kids in the class at back to school night, and they're all so cute. Can't believe the summer went by so quickly... but I really enjoy this job, so I'm stoked to be back.

PLUS I just bought a ton of art supplies for our classroom, because I use them as much as the kids do. Happy SCHOOL YEAR!

PS, I'm still going to write about our Elko/Logan summer, and Craft Lake City. I'm just busy.... or lazy. But mostly busy.

PPS, Something else bad happened. And now I will stop talking about the year of the beast because, wow. Really not good.

A very strange week.

2011-08-21T20:22:00.000-06:00

This last week, several not good things happened, and one great thing happened.

1st not good thing = my 10-year-old nephew was diagnosed with diabetes, which was quite a shock. I feel so bad for him... he's just a little guy. But my sister and brother-in-law are good parents, and I feel as though he's in good hands. Plus, he's a fighter about everything, so he will be just fine.

THEN, 2nd not good thing = I spilled maple syrup on my macbook trackpad. Which would not be a big deal, except that it got down in the button clicker and has made it near impossible to be un-sticky. Although I tried a few things, like taking out the battery and sliding paper up there, syrup is one sticky SOB, in case you were wondering. I think it's getting better though. And it happened on the same night I was so upset about my nephew, so BONUS!

My sister and I had a good laugh about my mini-chalkboards. She came over the other night to watch a movie at my place and commented on the bottom chalkboard, which says "2011 the year of the BEAST."

The sad and funny part is that though I wrote this in the beginning of the year, I kept it there. I wrote it mostly to be funny. And every time someone comments on it, something bad happens. Have I said this has been one of the most difficult years of my life? Well, it has, for various reasons. And yet, I'm still kickin'. Perhaps 2012 will be the year of the beats. Beats as in great music. I do NOT know yet.

Last night, we were at the demolition derby. Some guy sitting next to us was there with his friends, totally connected with his Ipad-like thing (wasn't actually an iPad), his cell phone, and chatting on facebook or taking pictures or video and then going back to chatting with his girlfriend about how this was his last chance. (DRAaaaaammmmmaaaaaa! Sorry, dude, but that's what you get when you type on your thing in front of a bunch of people.) And I thought to myself: I don't think I have ever felt that way in my life. That this was my last chance. Sure, I get discouraged, I have my days (often enough), but I find myself saying over and over again that things will work out. I had a really hard thing happen a couple weeks ago where I was virtually offered a job after meeting with these people twice, before they were done interviewing, but they then changed their minds on me. I was totally and completely heartbroken, and I completely fell apart. But the next day? I was busy. Moving on. I'm still thinking about it, but I realize there has to be something better out there for me. I'm finding that positivity is so much easier for me in the long run. Plus, I've heard it helps you live longer. PLUS, nobody wants to be around people who are always pessimistic, am I right?

The great thing that happened to me this week is that my husband moved home. Surprise! I didn't tell you we were living apart this summer. He had an internship in Elko for the summer at a gold mine, and we couldn't find housing that would work for us before he left, so he was assigned a roommate who was also an intern at the mine. He's home now, and I am so SO glad. (I didn't write about it because I didn't want to be murdered in my sleep. My dogs are less brave than I. We are a ridiculous bunch.)

I want to write more about the whole living-apart thing later, but for now, this will do. Have a happy Sunday.

Often, I feel this way about my life.

2011-08-21T19:26:00.002-06:00

Source: someecards.com via Ashley on Pinterest

Tweet-le dee

2011-08-15T23:29:00.001-06:00

I remember in 2008-ish, I heard about this thing called the twitter. Seemed kind of cool. I alllllllmost signed up, but then I didn't.

THEN. It exploded. And everyone had one. So I didn't. And I said, "I will never joineth the twitter."

And yet. Here I am.

So, if you wanna, get your follow on and we'll be tweet friends.

Check me out here. BOOM.

PS, Craft Lake City was great, it was extremely hot, I sold some flowers, and I have a lot to still post to my etsy. I'll have to tell you more 'bout it later. In the meantime, happy MONDAY!

Tired

2011-08-11T00:13:00.000-06:00

I was just skimming a random person's blog and saw their kid's name, which I thought was Pretzel.

And then I thought, "kind of a cute name."

I'm tired.

Hey YOU GUYS!

2011-08-09T22:27:00.001-06:00

Are you coming to visit me? Are you? It'll be so much fun, I promise. Oh please come.

WHAT am I still doing here?

2011-08-03T03:28:00.002-06:00

It is 3:32 a.m. and I am still awake.

Eating skittles.

Kickin it with my two dog homies.

And generally trying to stay awake.

What is wrong with me.

Ok see ya later.

It is 2:43 a.m.

2011-08-03T02:40:00.003-06:00

and I am still awake.

(These were my favorite type of blog posts to make in college. Now I just feel tired.)

This life is just too crazy for me sometimes! I feel hysterical! Somebody come give me some cough syrups!

(I'm not really hysterical. Just supa tired.)

(PS, I think I'm funny. Even though, realistically, I'm probably not really.)

Someone needs to say it.

2011-08-02T23:48:00.000-06:00

Guys, I'm supa tired.

Leading me.

2011-07-29T01:49:00.000-06:00

Once when I was younger, I was at a playground with monkey bars with my dad and brothers and sisters.

I decided to do the monkey bars by myself. Naturally, I saw someone I knew vaguely, and decided I was going to show off my gymnastic ability by letting go of the bar I was holding with both hands, and swinging my hands--simultaneously--to the next bar.

Did I mention I wasn't very tall at the time? Probably 7 or 8. So: not real tall.

After opening my eyes from the jolt, my behind hurt. Real bad. And said person who I may or may not have been trying to impress was laughing at me. I was shocked to realize that I had not, in fact, made the leap from one bar to the other with both hands at the same time and instead, I had landed, rather unpleasantly, on my behind--which hurt of a broken and bruised feeling. I was not a gymnast! It was rudely revealed to me, though I had never had any real training in it besides watching the summer olympics and doing flips off the swings in my backyard (though the real talent in that would come later--remind me to tell you about it some time).

Don't you ever feel like life is like that? You're aiming for something, it feels totally within reach, and then life rings your bell and says, NOPE. Not today.

Sometimes I feel like that.

Sometimes life tells me NOPE. Sometimes life says you're not a photographer, a writer, a good maker of your home, a good wife, good at drawing, good at being on time (though that will always, I fear, be true), a good dog owner, not very creative, not very good at much.

But the thing is, lately, I haven't felt that way. I know there are days when I feel that way so strongly it's suffocating, but lately I feel as though I'm along for the ride--my life is leading me instead of the other way around.

I guess you could say I'm more of a follower than a leader in that aspect.

Instead of fighting it and feeling frustrated, I see the wide open bowl of the valley in which I live and ink-black sky with honeyed stars on late night bike rides, and I feel like I can breathe so deeply. As though my lungs are becoming full of air for the first time in a long time. As though anything can be mine if I just relax and don't fight the natural flow.

It's a peaceful place to be--knowing that everything will be fine. That things will be even better if I don't fight so hard for control.

And that even if I shouldn't like this photo because it's not technically perfect, I don't care. I love it with abandon.

However, I still wish I could've made the leap from one bar to the other, all at once.

So, anyways.

2011-07-26T21:06:00.002-06:00

I did some squats yesterday, and now I can't walk too well today. My feet are floppin like a sloppy horse's hooves.

On another note, I think I am going to go write a novel. CAUSE THAT'S WHAT PEOPLE DO, RIGHT? I'm just kidding. I'm not angry about it. I miss writing.

I have made so many flowers in the last month, I forgot what it was like to NOT make flowers. You just wait til you see them. I love them. I'd keep them all, but I think my housband might boycott our home. I think I might also be a half-hoarder (not a hoarder to the extent that it's disgusting, but a hoarder to the extent that I have some real crap I should probably sell or get rid of, because I won't always have a whooooooole extra bedroom for my junk.)

I just got back a ton of film from my labs--I'm even still waiting on some!--and I have a ton of cool stuff coming up on my photog blog. Check it OUT!

July is almost over. I can't believe it. It's FLOWN by. JOOLY! WHERE DID YOU GO?

Anyway, my life is the same old boring. But boring is good though I guess. At least it's not exciting in a horrible way.

Lastly, I'm including a photo of my by my housband. Mostly because when I got them back, I thought they were cool! He did a good job. That dude is rad. I love him.

I'm sorry about all the yelling. I'm just real excited, ok?

3 things:

2011-07-17T20:47:00.001-06:00

1. I like wearing my shoes until it's absolutely necessary to take them off (especially at home).

2. I took a nap for a couple hours earlier today and I think it made me more tired than I was before the nap. (I also wore my sandals during my nap (See #1).)

AND

3. I have a lot of followers on pinterest for a blogger my size (i.e., with a very VERY small readership, mostly comprised of my sisters and some friends). This is thanks to one of my boards being a staff favorite:

Click to enlarge. And you're welcome for the illustrations, I know they're pretty stellar. It's awesome being this awesome, just so you know. (I'm kidding.) (Seriously.)

Miss Peggy lives for a day

2011-07-14T00:28:00.002-06:00

So, we borrowed Paige for a day. And here it is, complete with photos!!

After mom left, we rode some rides at the outlets in Park City. But tried to not look TOO happy about it, because that would be uncool for a 3-year-old.

Then we try entertaining ourselves, because soccer games get boring pretty fast. Also, showing off our bum is probably the best choice, given the situation.

Then we practiced our model shots. And climbed the fence, because that's what the big kids were doing.

After the game, we went to a restaurant. And looked really sleepy after coloring. WE WANT MAC AND CHEESE, people. This is serious.

Then we had our respective dinners. We decide we don't like the toast. It cannot be touching any of our other foods. HEAVEN HELP US!!! (PS, one of my favorite things she says after she can't quite do something herself is, "I cannot do it. I CANNOT." Instead of can't. She is fantastic)

And then, we fell asleep. In the booth. At a restaurant. After staring at the family just on the other side of the booth with a lot of kids. Probably because they are more fun than our aunt and uncle.

We woke up in the car ride after we stop to get aloe vera because, sunburn. We saw a rainbow. A double rainbow, even! But you can't see it here. Yet, I promise it was a double rainbow. You can see part of it in this photo. And then we fell asleep in the car.

Not pictured: we wanted a tubby, so we decided on bath time, then we don't want a tubby, settle on tubby with no hair washing, then, unfortunately, soap in the eyes, and screaming. Then, movie time on the giant bed. And perhaps that cylinder pillow would keep our tootsies warm.

Then, we contemplated making some calls to our peeps. With Bert on the bed. (Don't worry, it was a pet-friendly hotel.)

So we called some peeps on our "cell phone." Which, just last year, we used to call our "hallo."

FYI: Nobody answered.

Then, we kept peeking under the curtains, because through our window, we could see uncle Pedro (again, not his real name) in the hot tub--soaking because he'd played two soccer games in one day. Also, we decide we're hungry because we fell asleep at dinner and didn't finish our MAC AND CHEESE!!. So we ate some chocolate, and had an awesome chocolate moustache situation.

Last, we stayed awake until the lights turn off, at which point, we almost immediately fell asleep. And take over the (king-sized) bed. (!) And then, when our aunt moved us in the middle of the night, we accidentally head-butted her, and say SORRY so sweetly in our sleep.

But anyways, what a great day.

Park City & the weekend

2011-07-12T23:49:00.001-06:00

We spent the weekend in Park City. It was wonderful! I sat in the sunshine, watching my housband play soccer, while also watching my niece because we borrowed her overnight due to wanting to keep her forever.

I LOVE HER. She is probably one of the cutest little kids I have ever known. By the second day we had her, we were all ornery, tired, and in desperate need of a nap. BUT we arrived at my sister's home and dropped her off (while celebrating my other niece's big 8th birthday), and all was well again.

I have more to tell you about all this. It's very special. But how could you not LOVE this face?

I do. I love this face. And I love Park City.

Joo-ly, you're a hot, mean one.

2011-07-06T23:48:00.001-06:00

So I rode my orange bike, Orangina, to work again today. It's so hot out; I almost always arrive sweaty. I'm sorry for that, whoever's reading.

I finished This Side of Paradise. The ending was kind of chaotic and not entirely satisfying, but in a way, it was because it felt a lot like life. Because not everything is tied up perfectly in real life, so to read a book reflecting that was kind of nice. And, also, why I sometimes had a problem with Harry Potter, because everything always seems to work out and they have the coolest stuff and REAL LIFE ISN'T LIKE THAT, ROWLING. Then again, there's the whole 'they're wizards and can fly on broomsticks stuff,' so I guess I should keep that in perspective. Truthfully, I loved Harry Potter, but that is another story for another time.

I've been going to bed SOOOOooo late that I can't function in mornings at all. I don't normally stay up too late anymore (I did that 100% of the time in college, and when I began to get more sleep upon graduating and becoming a married person, I remembered what being a rational human being was like).

I'm having a love affair with cottage cheese.

I'm very concerned about my poor posture lately.

I was spray painting some things tonight, and I missed and painted my hand. Now it looks like I had a terrible accident, because my hand is this obscene, bruise-y, purple color.

I'm having a sale on my photo services... 30% off everything. You can check it out here: http://aandgphotography.blogspot.com. Tell yo friends.

Photo from my Holga taken in San Diego. San Diego is just so charming.

I went to Walmart after 10 pm and bought a dust buster. Highlight of my DAY. I plan on vacuuming my stairs. It's going to be wonderful.

I'm driving my mother-in-law's minivan right now, and I had an epiphany: people drive minivans because they're so spacious and wondrous. Minivans are NOT the devil! My dogs have three rows of seats to choose from when they want to sit their doggy bum bums down, so much room they can go for an entire walk just while I drive around (it's better than the dog park! I swear!) I can have my purchases in there, TOO, and the ARM RESTS! Oh my goodness. So great.

So, that's my Wednesday. It's a good one. It's a regular one. Amen.

Happy 4th of Joo-ly.

2011-07-04T22:15:00.000-06:00

Hope it was a good one for you!

I think I'm going to go eat cookies for dinner. At 10:19 pm. You're welcome, America.

Once upon a time,

2011-06-30T12:14:00.000-06:00

Bert got shaved. It was Monday. It was awesome. He looks so weird to me.

Before:

ANNNNNND after:

I guess he no longer looks homeless, so that's a plus. (He was, actually, homeless. He came into the humane society as a stray and then I adopted him all swift-like.) I kind of like the homeless look--I tend to rock it myself.

Anyway, now he's good-looking and better dressed than me. So.

OH! And then, Tuesday morning, I took both dogs out to do their business. At which time, Bagheera peed on Bert, and I had to bathe him. BONUS!

This side of paradise

2011-06-28T21:46:00.000-06:00

If you know me very well, you know that I'm a big reader. For my birthday, for Christmas, for just about anything, I always want books. I studied English in college, knowing full well that I probably wouldn't have many career opportunities after graduation; regardless, I studied English (creative writing, actually) because I love writing, reading, books, words, and ideas.

I go through periods where I read a lot, and then have dry spells. Lately, I'm sort of in-between. I'm reading This Side of Paradise right now, and it's taken me a while to get through it. Last night, I found myself stuck in it, turning page after page, then turning on Pedro's lamp to see better, until I was too tired to read anymore. It's kind of an interesting read--the beginning is really funny, actually. There are parts that I haven't enjoyed much, where it seems like Fitzgerald wrote stuff just to write stuff and see it in print--though the 19-year-old me probably would have LOVED parts of that--but overall, it's been a pretty good read.

After this, I have a couple books lined up to read, but after that, I'm not sure what I'll read. Reading makes me miss school.

So, my question is this: what are YOUR favorite books? What have you read lately that's surprised you?

Two canadians, a swede, the housband, and me.

2011-06-27T20:54:00.001-06:00

Last week, I went to Elko, Nevada for the week with my housband. It was a great week--I made a lot of flowers, visited cute little shops, got to know the place a little, and spent a lot of time with my housband.

(PS:
Dearest Elko, I'm sorry about all the things I said about you and all the continued negativity over the years; you weren't so bad, plus your sagebrush is actually kind of pretty and smells a bit like lavender. I guess you're not the Armpit of America like I suspected.

Signed, sincerely,

ME)

ANYway, things went well during the week and I really enjoyed myself. On Thursday night, we were heading back to Logan, having a grand old time, when we were almost run off the road by a semi, and my only reaction was to scream, which, obviously, didn't help the problem. I just couldn't stop. It was the weirdest thing; an out of body experience. Eventually I realized I was screaming but didn't/couldn't stop myself... very odd.

I had a bit of an emotional breakdown after that because I laughed so hard I cried, and then I couldn't stop crying for a little while. I have traveling anxiety due to previous accidents, and this certainly didn't help.

Soon after that, we were heading up around the hill to Pequop. PEQUOP! I WILL NEVER FORGET YOU! IN THE WORST WAY! We were rocking out to some Gaga when a peculiar ticking sound began to freak us both out. Being the bright people we are, we turned off the AC, turned down the music and tried to listen to what was happening. This particular tick had been happening for a little while, and we made plans to take the car to a mechanic upon our arrival home.

Until the tick got louder, and LOUDER, and LOUDER.

And then.... smoke.

We made it up the hill most of the way to a rest stop which was magically there, and Pedro* pushed it up the hill to its resting spot.

There at the rest area, we see a couple Canadian tourists and their Swedish friend. We had no idea what to do. They said they were going to Wendover, and while talking on the phone to my dad, Pedro asked me to ask them if we could catch a ride. In the meantime, we saw another guy at the rest stop--I asked him if he was headed to Salt Lake, he said yes, I asked if we could catch a ride with him, but he said he doesn't give rides to strangers. Fair enough. There WAS a prison a while back with road signs which read "NO HITCHIKING."

So we put all our stuff in the trunk of my now dead car so as to discourage people from breaking in, grab the most valuable stuff (like my 10,000 cameras--I am incapable of packing light), and head out with the Canadians and Swede. Honestly, they were a total blessing. SUCH nice people, so kind to give us a ride, and I wasn't nervous AT ALL that they would kill us. Ha.

So then we rode to Wendover, where we thanked the Canadians and Swede and told them goodbye. Pedro's mother picked us up in Wendover, and we finally got home at around 1:30 in the morning, totally exhausted.

The next day, we borrowed a truck, rented a trailer, and went back to PEQUOP. I had so much anxiety that my car would be:

1. Towed by highway patrol
A. Broken into
III. Broken into, and all my stuff stolen (including my laptop, which I forgot to use my brain and neglected to pack in the stuffed Canadian car.... whoops.)

BUT, there it was. Totally in tact, safe, whole, with a bum engine. We tugged it all the way back home.

There's all my photos from the day trip we took to fetch my car. We weren't really going 110 miles per hour--the speedometer was broken, but we like to pretend we're hardcore like that. Also, we both kept thinking there was a jerk car tailing us, until we'd individually realize that it was just my car on the trailer behind us.

It was honestly a nice drive--just too bad it had to be because my engine semi blew up.

And yes, the engine is dead. It turns on, it drives a little, but it's not driveable. Today, my father-in-law found a new engine with a friend for $900... so... happy birthday to me?

Kind of a craptastic weekend. I hope yours was better. I spent most of today really frustrated, but I've decided to turn the corner and turn my frown upside down. Life can be annoying, I guess, but I need to move on and accept that sometimes, crap happens.

*I just decided, just now, that I'm tired of not writing my husband's name. No, it's not really Pedro. No, he's not Mexican or hispanic. I just like that name. He's asked me not to write his name on el blog here, so I will grant him that wish, but I will now call him Pedro in return. Cool.

In life and bad news,

2011-06-26T19:51:00.002-06:00

I think it's the waiting which irritates the most.

Can't we just get on with it already?

One Sunday, many, many years ago,

2011-06-26T18:38:00.000-06:00

I got home from church before my mom did. My mom used to make fun of me because I didn't take shirts off the "normal" way--which led to a lot of shirts with ripped seams--rather, I'd take them off in probably the hardest way, which is how I tend to do MOST things.

So, that Sunday, I decided I was going to change out of my church dress myself. By doing a handstand. And somehow it would come off.

The light was bright through the sliding doors as I decided to execute my brilliant idea; I did a handstand.
I can't remember if it ripped, but I can still hear that sickening sound of seams ripping and stretching.

I thought of this today as we went to a new ward, which was kind of weird. That's all I'm going to say about that for now.

In between all the muck of life

2011-06-25T23:08:00.000-06:00

and car problems (more on that later), I had a dream that I was still in high school, in my high school's musical, and I had gotten the lead part. It was AWESOME, and I could tell everyone loved my singing. Haha. AND my best friend, one who is still one of my best friends, was telling me all the reasons why she was envious of me.

Most often, I have these horrible, self-doubting, negative dreams. It was kind of nice to get something that was totally different.

Sometimes the experiences I go through/dreams I have remind me of what other people need--like this one, to be loved and validated, and appreciated for who they are. I think I'm going to try harder with that.

PS - Summer came. SURPRISE!

Bergen's face is about how I feel about summer. It's too hot. And this is just to show you that I actually do watch Friends pretty much every day. Love that little Bergs.

Dear this-time-of-the-morning,

2011-06-23T06:32:00.003-06:00

(aka 5 in the AM),

No.

Signed, sincerely,

me

Boo-freaking-yah.

2011-06-21T14:57:00.001-06:00

So stoked to be included in Craft Lake City in August with my little flower creations. My very first craft show. I'm moving up in the world!! Maybe I'll see you there?

P.S. My sister in law will be there, too... PARTAY!

Bagsy Blue Co. makes....

2011-06-20T23:07:00.002-06:00

wall flowers! I made these for my wall, to try them out... and I kinda love them. I'm going to be making more and putting them in the shop soon, so keep checking back.

PLUS, I have awesome dog models. I didn't make them get in the photos, but they did anyway. Bert is sporting a sweet bark collar because we live in an apartment, and he growls at dust particles. I'd like to keep him, so therefore, the bark collar. (It doesn't hurt him.) (He always knows when it's on so he's a suspiciously perfect little gentleman when it's on. But when it's off...... naughty.)

On Friday,

2011-06-20T13:41:00.000-06:00

I turned 25. For some reason, that feels so old to me... probably because in my mind I'm still like.... 21 or something. Or 19. I do not know.

But anyway, 25 feels pretty good. It was a pretty great day, jam-packed with fun and family and just a little work.

I feel like those are the best birthdays--but then again, I always like the odd years better than the even years. I guess you could say I have a fondness for odd numbers.

I have some cool things to show you, but it will have to wait til a little later. Have a fantastic MONDAY!

I took the dogs on another walk!

2011-06-15T19:40:00.000-06:00

And we were by the river, which is overflowing so violently it's kind of creeping me out.

We reached the end, where there was some stagnant water, and I HAVE NEVER SEEN SO MANY MOSQUITOES IN MY LIFE.

I very nearly had a meltdown, because, holy crap. And just today the receptionist at the vet's office was telling me what in the heck happens when your dog gets heart worm from mosquitoes. They're not protected! I thought. SO I rode away for my life (and theirs). I don't want them to have all these shots and no exercise for like 6 weeks and blahdy blahdy blah. Cause that's what happens when mosquitoes plant their wormy larvae into your dog's heart.

So. Anyway. Then we went to the dog park but we were all bored, so we left.

And now I'm watching Friends, just like I do every day after work.

BONUS: today was really hot, and I rode my bike 4.5 miles to work. In khaki shorts. Do you know what happens when you wear khaki shorts and you sweat? Swum. If you don't know what that means, I don't think I can help you right now.

(Hint: it rhymes with "fretty plum.")

It was embarrassing. It's still embarrassing.

Tonight,

2011-06-14T22:29:00.001-06:00

I took my dogs for a bike ride. Dogs. Plural. Previous to this weekend, I'd never done that before--taken both. And it was interesting, yet not horrible.

On bike rides, they both run alongside my bike. I usually have one on each side, so I pretty much block the entire road. Except I try to be conscientious... I swear I'm not self-absorbed enough to think everyone should yield to me. Then I figured out how to get them to be good with both on one side, so that was great.

Anyway, as I was watching Bert bop around, getting kind of slow yet still SO MIRACULOUSLY bouncy, I thought: if he were a girl dog, I'd have named him Stephanie. He just SEEMS like a Stephanie. (And the fact that the thought just popped into my head was really funny at the moment. It felt so natural! But funny all the same!)

I also took them both to the fairgrounds and tossed around a tennis ball while they chased each other. I had this completely surreal moment of absolute joy: that was exactly where I'd want to be, given the choice of anywhere in the world, in that moment. Spending time with my dogs, chucking a ball, the golden sun shining heavy shadows on the lawn the trees. It was perfect. But then I felt sorry, because I also thought of all the other things I could/should be doing, and realized how much I need to calm down and let myself be in the present. It's a work in progress, that's for sure.

About a block before home, we passed the dog park, and Bert stops to a near-crawl every time. So I picked him up, and he yelped like I was stabbing him to death--he had shots yesterday, and I must have hurt him in the spot where they poked him. So I put him down and we kept going. But THEN he was really just too slow, so I picked him up (carefully), put him in my basket, strapped him down (oh yeah, did I ever tell you about the time he was strapped down in a complicated leash hold in the basket and he STILL JUMPED OUT? WHILE I WAS MOVING? AND HE DANGLED FROM THE SIDE OF MY BASKET?), so I strapped him down REAL good and finished the ride with Bagsy sprinting beside me.

All this after a guy who saw me with them said, "Looks like you're having fun." And then as I was turning the corner, "That's the funniest thing I've EVER seen." And he laughed and laughed and laughed.

So, I guess it's kinda funny that I take them both on rides. But until I find a better way to wear them both out real good, this is my method.

I have a declaration to make:

2011-06-13T23:57:00.001-06:00

here on Monday, June 13, 2011, at 11:52 PM MST, that I really quite care about Bloc Party.

The band.
I kind of really love them. (By kind of, I mean that my insides squish every time their music comes up on my shuffle, in such a good way.)

"I love you in the morning...."

My pockets are like clouds, white and fluffy.

2011-06-13T19:20:00.000-06:00

Today I have been ANGRY! It seems like every once in a while, something just sets me off, and then I'm just so mad I can't get over it for a while. Today, it was a spreadsheet. Most often, it's a spreadsheet.

And then I'm mean to my housband, short with my dogs, I eat tons of junk food, and I just want to keep on feeling miserable.

I am not an angry person. Generally. But every so often....... whoozies. Watch out.

This weekend, we went to Huntsville, Utah, USA, which was actually wonderful. I've noticed a trend: I don't like a place until I've seen it. And then I want to move there immediately. Such is the case with Huntsville. I loved it so much I would kiss it if I could. I took a bunch of photos, and I will let you know when I get around to sending the film off to a fabulous vacation in Los Angeles or Orem. You know, Orem, Utah.

My film gets better vacations than I do.

I'm still kind of mad and I feel rage in my heart, so I think I'm going to go punch-dance it out.

K. See ya.

I can ride my bike with no handlebars.

2011-06-06T23:18:00.001-06:00

I've recently decided that I should ride my bike everywhere. Heaven knows I could use the exercise, plus I love my bike, plus paying for gas is the worst.

SOoooo I bike to work and back--which is about 9 miles total--on days I decide to ride. Which is a lot lately, most days I'd say. It may not be much to you active and always-on-the-go people, but keep in mind, the most I was doing before was MAYbe 4-ish miles, every so often. So I guess this is my way of being out and about... and I kind of love it.

I had to ride home in some rain tonight, and honestly, it wasn't too bad, except I'm still cold (about 5 hours later).

In other news, the neighbors have 2 dogs which cry and whine when they're not home, which is a lot. Also, I think my dogs are my best friends. Does that make me a loser? Check yes or no.

My birthday is coming up. I am really excited about it because it means I'm getting pretty old. Actually, I'm excited about it because I have the worst sweet tooth ever and I am truthfully looking forward to having some cake. Plus birthdays are just SUCH the best.

Lastly, I joined Pinterest a while ago. I love it. Do you pin? Maybe we could be pinning friends.

Source: 4.bp.blogspot.com via Ashley on Pinterest

Ok seriously this is the last thing: I could use a haircut. Anybody know anybody who's good at that sort of thing and likes to trade services? Ok cool. High five.

Fabric flowers! Huzzah!

2011-05-31T22:12:00.001-06:00

A little bit ago, I wrote here about making some fabric flowers. Well, I decided to open an etsy shop. Check it out!

(If you're checking this out on a feed reader, such as google reader, you won't see the link above, so I'll help you out: go HERE to visit my Bagsy Blue Co. etsy shop!)

I'm pretty excited about it--I'll be adding hair accessories, shoe clips, pins, etc. soon.

I don't care what you say:

2011-05-31T22:05:00.000-06:00

there is no better smell than lilacs in spring.

That, and listening to James Taylor sing it on the oldies station while driving my car with my two furry buddies and the sun setting purpleblueorangeyellow.

It'd only be a little better if I had a curly-haired guy next to me, but I'll take what I can get.

I was just thinking

2011-05-30T23:13:00.000-06:00

about my life and things in it. And I realized this: right now, my life is as far from perfect as I could have ever imagined. With the exception of divorce, I guess. Getting a divorce from my hubby would suck pretty bad, so at least it's not anything with him. He is and will always continue to be my center, and I love him for that.

So things are hard. And yet, I am doing ok. I think you don't realize how strong you can be until you have to be, which is how it is for me and my family, I think.

I'm not going to go into details, but I feel it would be disingenuous if I didn't at least say that there's a reason why I haven't written. Actually, there are several reasons for it, some of which I feel it's just not really anyone's business. Secondly, most of it is not mine to write, and I feel strongly it's not my place to write about it though it does affect me pretty much every day.

It's interesting that when you have a trial in your life, there's so much more width to it than just the thing that's hard. Yes, really difficult things are happening, but it's not my entire life. I still have such a good and dashing husband, two dogs who continue to give me great company, brothers and sisters and in-laws and parents who are, when it comes down to the bones of it, the most fantastic people. The trees are still blooming and becoming green, and I still have a really orange bike. I'm kind of crazy about that really orange bike. Plus, I am getting better at drawing, and I have hope that summer will come eventually, though it may not feel like it now.

And yet, there's still this thing looming over my head.

I think the thing that has stuck with me and surprised me most is this: when you have a situation like this one, you realize people's true goodness, and, unfortunately, badness. I have received so much kindness from people, and though I'd rather all of this wouldn't have happened at all, I am so grateful to work with and know so many people who are understanding, loving and so non-judgmental. I will forever appreciate that, and it's honestly kept me going on days I've felt the lowest I could feel. It's also reminded me that life goes on, though it feels as if it's on pause in the worst parts sometimes. On the other hand, I've come to see such ugliness in others about which I have been really disappointed. It's really made me consider who I call a friend and what qualities should be most important to me in my friends and people with whom I associate. It's taught me a lot about the sort of person I would like to be, and I know I have a long way to go, but still, the goal is there.

This last weekend, I photographed a wedding. I know! Me! A wedding! (You may remember the controversy from here, here, and here.) I have to say that it was a delightful affair, though I had so much anxiety about it that I felt like throwing up. (Hi! I have anxiety. SURPRISE! But it's much worse when it comes to photos, and even worse when I'm photographing someone's wedding. Cause of all those special moments and such.)

ANYwho, I photographed this wedding, and I was thinking about those three posts I wrote really late at night in a moment of psychosis. (Not really, but it feels like it in retrospect.) I realize that this is my blog, but even now, in the middle of some of the hardest things I've ever been through in my life, I wouldn't go back to feeling that way. At the time, I was trying to make photography a second and then hopefully, eventually, my main source of income, and I have since realized that it's not supposed to be that for me. Magically, I started to hate it less, along with resenting other photographers less. I am somewhat embarrassed about writing such hateful things, particularly things about a general group of people that I've never met, but then again, you never grow if you don't own up to your mistakes. The bulk of it came from ideas of: why is this working out for everyone else and not me? I've since gotten a second job that's changed my life and I know things were supposed to turn out this way for a reason. If the full-time photography thing would have worked out, I wouldn't have this and I wouldn't trade working with these little people for anything. Plus, part-time photography is nice. I do it mostly for me, sometimes for other people, and the pressure's off, which gives me fewer headaches and more good times.

So, I photographed this wedding, and it was really nice to be able to photograph a wedding. I've realized I don't hate wedding photography or wedding photographers; though weddings aren't my favorite thing to photograph, it's fun to be a part of someone's big party.

With everything going on right now, I have learned that not only should I not care about what other people think, but I NEED to not care. Caring about what other people think just takes up way too much damn time and effort that I don't have. I've been too self-conscious for too long, and it's time to let go of that. I'm going to keep working on it--change takes time--but I'm tired of worrying what so-and-so will think of this or that.

I've thought a lot about what to write on my little ol' blog.... because writing is my best and brightest outlet, and it probably always will be. But on this thing, I have just struggled. I don't know what to say. But just know that the thought is there.

I hope to be writing more in the next little while. If there's anyone out there who still reads this thing: thanks for reading. A lot of this writing is just for me, but it you're reading and you read the whole thing: you rule. Thanks for being my blog friends.

I think I will always remember.

2011-05-23T21:55:00.000-06:00

Five years ago today, I put my dog, Patches, to sleep.

That was far and away one of the hardest things of my life and has still continued to affect me, even now. I don't think about it as much anymore, and yet. Here it is again: May 23.

My head hurts, and it's been a mostly rainy May. I have a sinus and ear infection, but I'm thinking and hoping the sun will come out for good really soon.

Olo, Spring.

2011-05-08T18:41:00.000-06:00

I think of lots of little things everyday that I could blog about; things like, oh, the neighbor's giant black great dane is tied out in front of their house, which means it is definitely spring. He likes to take naps out while lazing in the sun. I kind of love that great danes are huge but also less known as some of the laziest dogs out there.

And also how I wish I could tell you so many things but, honestly, I don't think I can right now. I have a lot going through my mind and some of it is just not mine to tell.

Yesterday was probably the warmest day of the year thus far, and we rode our bikes all around town. I don't think I have to tell you how much I adore my bike; I love riding it, and I love the freedom it gives me. Even if it's just because I feel like I'm flying and the wind blows through my hair (which is growing, by the way).

My husband is out of school for the summer and last night I opened the windows while I made some flowers. Which, by the way, I need to share... I've been making a lot of fabric flowers, and I think I'm going to sell them. More than anything, I like making them because they make me happy.

Last week, one of the kids I work with told me that because my hair is short, I look like a BOY. But then I asked her if she was sure I'd look like a girl with long hair? Cause I could still look like a BOY?

There are bright red poppies outside of my door at work; the kids and I pass them every time we leave our room and they are so bright and red, it feels like the dog days are over for real this time.

Year 3.

2011-04-03T14:06:00.003-06:00

Three years ago, we were married. WHEW! We made it!

I love Hailey's Jones soda mustache in the bottom photo.

In the last year, we:

adopted another dog
had 3 new jobs between the two of us
kept 1 job between the two of us (lots of change this year)
bought numerous car parts (for guess who)
cut off a lot of hair (both of us)
did a lot of studying, photographing, crafting, and working
went to Sun Valley, California, and Salt Lake many times
decided that my housband does the laundry and I do the dishes (which has saved us a lot of dumb fights... I'd highly recommend it)
moved the furniture around
began to love yoga
have grown up a lot
have been really poor, and then not as poor
added one niece to the family
watched dozens of movies together, not as many bad ones as last year

Lots of good memories from that day three years ago. Here's to another year....

Oh, hey.

2011-03-31T20:42:00.000-06:00

I forgot about you over here. Kind of.

Guess that's what happens when you have no internet.

The good news is: I am feeling nearly 100% better, but I fear my skin will never be the same. Such is life, I suppose.

Besides that, we are doing well, just trucking through school, work, and life in general. It's almost spring though, so maybe I'm going to go crazy with photos. I have some exciting things coming up that I'll tell you about a little later.

As for everything else: what have YOU been up to?

Going rogue; or, why does my body hate me?

2011-03-07T16:34:00.002-07:00

Sooo.... I got really sick a few weeks ago--around Valentine's day-ish. Fevers, full-body rash (very pleasant) (still hasn't gone away) (benadryl is my best friend), and general malaise. Basically, my body was rejecting me. Going rogue, if you will. Without me. I missed two weeks of work from feeling generally awful, and the verdict? LARYNGITIS.

That is the lamest excuse I have ever heard in my life, and I didn't even lose my voice. I was tested for mono, strep throat, then liver problems (because I have been so uncontrollably itchy, which, apparently, is tied to liver problems)... Anywho, it nearly killed me, but I'm not dead yet (yes, I'm being dramatic), and I've been doing a lot of things around my house. I'd take pictures, but I can't, not yet--at least until I get it all to the point where I'm satisfied. I was on a roll, and then I got sick. And now I'm not very inspired. Isn't that how it goes?

It's funny though--there's some freedom in being sick; in staying home and concentrating all your efforts on just feeling better. I feel as though I push myself really hard a LOT of the time, so when my body breaks down, that's about the only time I feel okay with sitting around and watching TV nonstop.

Besides that, I've just been working a lot and trying to stay afloat as life is just busy. I often wish it weren't so busy, but summer seems to be the time when things will slow down for us.

And here are my peeps, same old, same old. Covered in snow.

It's finally past the middle of January.

2011-01-18T17:30:00.001-07:00

Which means that January is almost over. AND it means that Valentine's Day will soon be here.

I have a secret to tell you: I think Valentine's Day is my favorite holiday. It's not that I expect great things from it, like presents and surprises and undying declarations of love; no, not that. I just remember Valentine's days growing up as sweet and simple. My mom gave me something small every year, made treats, and decked the house in hearts and pretty pink things. I think I'd like to continue that tradition and keep on loving Valentine's Day properly and with abandon.

I also quite enjoy St. Patrick's day, but I enjoy it more when I happen to be in a big city. It's a bigger deal elsewhere than my little town, and I like that. Something about people celebrating in unison (I told you I really like synchronicity).

ANYhow, I plan on decking our little apartment out in pink stuff and hearts and perhaps I'll even find time to dye Bert pink. Probably not, but maybe.

This weekend, I rearranged our bedroom furniture and vacuumed places I haven't been able to reach because my vacuum is not wonderful. Let me tell you something: that furniture is NOT LIGHT. I thought about going to Pilates on Saturday morning but by the time I was doing rearranging, late in the afternoon, I think I got a better workout doing that anyway. Then I wandered around Home Depot for an hour or so to pick the perfect wood, paint and screws for a project on which I am currently working. The guy who helped me cut the piece of pine was Australian and asked if I'm a "creative." I didn't know what to say. So I said, "I guess so."

Also, we watched animal hoarders Friday night, which made me want to get rid of everything I own, except, somehow, my dogs. Then last night, housband made me watch this show about mice, cockroach, and other nasty infestations, so my skin's kind of crawling right now just thinking about it. And I'm really thinking about getting rid of everything I own. (Do you want any art projects I made while in elementary school? How about random drawings? No?)

On the other hand, I rented an Apartment Therapy design book from the library. (Do you rent books? I rent books. I prefer calling them rented to checked out. I don't know why.) I'm now inspired to paint all our walls, build a ton of crap with wood, and basking in the awesomeness that is my apartment. We'll see if it happens. I have a lot of plans. No money, but a lot of plans.

Resolutions

2011-01-14T08:32:00.001-07:00

I always think it's interesting when people post about their resolutions for the new year.

Mine generally include Remembering The Year Has Changed (more difficult, every year, than I think it will be)

and

Not Making Any Real Resolutions, mostly because inevitably I will forget about them/become unmotivated very early on/start to resent them, so I just avoid them all together. Also, I prefer to go with the flow of inspiration, which generally doesn't come because we begin a new year at 12:01 a.m. one random day. (Though this seems to change every year; come back next year and ask me again and I will likely have another opinion on it.)

Here's my flow of inspiration as of late: I've really wanted to learn to paint and learn to weld. And become a really stellar welder, in fact. I've also been looking into making some furniture for my home, so I suppose I'll let you know how that goes. I have a friend who's pretty good at it (no, it's not my housband, and he most likely doesn't want to be involved because he doesn't get excited about FURNITURE! like I do, probably because I don't let him decorate with Spiderman posters in our main living area and things like that), so we are going to whittle a table for my homestead. Not a TABLE table, but actually a side table kind of thing, and if I can make up my mind about what it should look like and features it should include, oh, and also find money for the supplies, eventually we'll get this thing banged out and ready to go.

So. That's where I'm at. How 'bout you?

I began the New Year

2011-01-13T18:42:00.008-07:00

listening with my mom to the hollers and cheers and happiest of new year exclamations.

To be honest: I yelled before listening, my own HAPPY NEW YEAR sort of thing.

To be even more honest: It was sort of nice to just listen to all those people out there, celebrating in their own ways, instead of making all the noise myself.

If I were to tell you the absolute truth of my heart, it would be this: I love synchronicity. Swimming, people turning in a left-hand turn lane in unison, police riding motorcycles in a parade, etc, etc. It gives me a squirm of delight, and I am not ashamed.

Also, happy new year. I fear I've become a little blog-shy; I'm not sure why, but maybe I'll go brain-shrink myself and come back with an answer.

In the meantime, I have two puppies and a housband to go bother. Or a house to clean. I don't know!!! But I have all night to decide!!!

One Last Thing: I don't know if it's the fact that it gets dark so darn early or what, but I'm struggling to find inspiration to pick up my camera. Please pray for me that some inspiration will hit, or that someone will come along, wanting me to photograph them. Or that I'll have some daylight hours free for a change. That'd be good. Ok see ya.

Happy Christmas Adam

2010-12-23T08:54:00.002-07:00

This is the message I just received from my housband.

No idea what he was talking about--I thought maybe he meant to send the message to my brother, who is named, coincidentally, Adam.

I texted him back, confused, and this was his response:

"Tomorrow is Christmas Eve, so today is Christmas Adam."

And then I remembered he says this every year.

There are lots of reasons I love that dude; this is just one of 1,678,956,443 reasons why.

And for your viewing pleasure, the sign I made which was inspired by this:

Hers

Mine, which took a lot longer than I thought it would, and also, I didn't have enough paper to do it awesome like hers. Plus, I was tired. Sorry about the crappy iphone photo. It's a lovely red, though.

And lastly, here's a photo which will either make your day cheery, or really creep you out:

Bagel (pronounced bag-ul) is really quite happy about Christmas Adam. Also, don't mind the mismatched sheets and blankets. This photo was taken a while ago, and I have my life more together now than I did then.... kinda. (Wishful thinking.) (Though my sheets do match right now. BONUS!)

Also,

2010-12-15T18:25:00.000-07:00

I'm pretty sure it was a year ago Monday that we brought home our blue-eyed, silky black puppy dog of wonder.

It has been a truly magical year.

Remind me to tell you about the time he jumped out of my housband's car (through the window), past traffic, and went rogue into a pet supply store.

Awesome.

Things, or something like that, about today

2010-12-15T18:09:00.003-07:00

I have some good news, and I have some bad news.

The good news is that it snowed last night. I don't completely hate snow! Also, I enjoy the Christmas-y feelings it gives me. The truth is, I don't hate snow... I hate driving in it. A completely huge difference... right?

The bad news is that Bert ran away this morning, came back, and then he had to eat his breakfast in his cage because HE. IS. A. BAD. DOG. (Sometimes. He's learning.)

And then while I got ready, Bagheera sat, quietly, and I remember what it was like to have one dog. It was like the heavens opened and angels sang about what a miracle it is to have one dog who is brilliantly obedient...... but then I remembered Bert and his little brown eyes, and subsequently forgot all about it.

Bert is an awesome lap-warmer.

My dogs, resting their heads on the same pillow. So cute I could squish them both.

Also. I have something seriously wrong with my right-side ribs. So that's also bad news. Life is really punching me in the throat this last month-or-so, health-wise. I think I coughed a crack right into my ribs. (I don't really know what's going on, but it hurts when I breathe and cough and generally move.)

So, that's my average Wednesday. Oh, and I'd also like to point out that I had to go look for Bert this morning in my sleeping shorts, my black wellies, and my pink pea coat. And, oh, you know, my hair which stuck straight up (and when I saw my reflection I thought I didn't know I could look like such a fine cockatoo).

This is not to mention last week, when I took the dogs out one morning in my fluffy pink robe, my wellies, and a towel on my head--to the community lawn area. The same neighbors keep seeing me like this every morning and all I can do nowadays is shrug and pretend I don't see them. If I can't see them, they can't see me.................. right?

I think I'm broken;

2010-12-11T19:35:00.002-07:00

it doesn't feel like Christmas to me at all.

The weather is warm. We don't have a tree (yet). I haven't bought any presents. I don't really feel like listening to Christmas music.

It's all very odd.

Any suggestions?

Life and things about it.

2010-12-07T17:20:00.000-07:00

So I have this little dog. I think you know him. His name's Bert.

Bert is not particularly trustworthy. In fact, he gets into my bathroom garbage (and all that it entails). He runs away to have a great time by himself around our apartment complex--unless I have the unfortunate shock collar on him, at which time he'll act like a perfect, yet nervous, gentleman.

Thing is, I'm a huge HUGE sucker for Bert. Nights he runs away and doesn't come back when I call and call (and call) his name, I shut the back door, put my boots and coat on, and head out the front door, because inevitably, he will be out front, sniffing parking spots and the grass in our common area or places where other dogs have marked.

And every time he sees me, he looks so genuinely delighted. As if he thinks, "Oh! It's you! I was having a great time but I suppose I'll come in now." Until he sees my expression. And then he sits because he's afraid.

I feel bad when he's afraid. BUT what choice do I have? We got him from the shelter because he was a stray. Clearly not a stray for long... he was very clearly someone's pet that probably just got away. And yet, they never looked for him or reported him missing. So there's that. I keep expecting to find a puppy pancake out in the parking lot or on the busy road by which we live.

Don't worry, Bert gets a semi-annual (or something like that) bang and bum trim. I'm sure you wanted to know that. Also, I have never cut him, so that's good I guess.

And then there's the kids with whom I work. I have to tell you something: they're teaching me more about the world than I could have ever thought possible. I love working with them; they teach me, a lot of times, smaller versions of my life's problems, and that I need to chill out. (Your shoes don't feel good on your feet? Have a freak out. Which is very similar to my big kid version, which is: Having no money doesn't feel good in my life? Have a freak out. See, we all just need to calm down.) Thing is, they're so giving and sharing and quick to forgive and forget... I feel like a better person every day just having been around them. And doing art projects with 3-, 4-, and 5- year-olds is kind of awesome.

I have a lot of things I can tell you about each and every single kid, which I think I will. I want to remember this job and the joy it brings me.

It's warmer here than it was in November. Also, the snow is melting. It's really strange, but I don't want to complain, lest the weather rear its ugly head.

And that is my life, today, in a nutshell. See you 'round the building.

Things you didn't know about me;

2010-11-30T17:04:00.001-07:00

also could be called: things you don't necessarily want to know about me, but it's my blog so I'll write them anyway. This is my time capsule for winter 2010. (Remember this one from April?)

I bet you didn't know:

I think about

Kudzu. A lot. (How is that not fascinating to generally everyone? Rogue vines? Seriously?)

Photo from here. Caption from the website: Abandoned houses in Georgia taken over by kudzu

Pangea
whether picking up a bug of any kind will alter its course so drastically it will never find its way home

I used to

Play the violin (for 9 years)
Throw my vitamins behind our old upright piano instead of taking them
Spend my last few dollars after paying rent, etc. (when I lived with roommates) on books

I would like

a bearded collie named Ricky
a gramophone/phonograph
to be a really good road biker and/or swimmer (without flippers)

I'm annoyed by

people who talk down about themselves
people who talk about their weight (I think it's weirdly personal, and as a photographer, I honestly have never looked at a person and thought they didn't look good as they were) & people who talk about how they need to lose weight
slow internet

These things

The song "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas"
Certain movies about families (I watched the Family Stone the other night, and I forgot how much I like that movie)

...make me nearly cry

Happiness, for me, is

My warm puppies

I worry a lot about

my family
making it in life
not being able to relax (which is totally counter-productive)

I go through phases, like

collecting bowls, blankets, geodes or other natural rock formations
decorating with dried flowers/weeds I find
wishing to move to California or another warmish climate so badly I can't concentrate on daily life (and then I take a vacation there and proceed to function normally)
eating cereal for almost every meal
playing my guitar
wearing long john bottoms every single day

I am

worried that my non-existent (for now) kids will grow up way too fast
really good at sleeping
a Jason Mraz live show junkie (almost) (just in terms of liking his live stuff BEST)
interested in learning how to weld, be a carpenter (sort of), designing of any kind
a total dog lover
a wife to a cool dude

annnnnnnd, that's all. See you later.

Walking

2010-11-18T17:20:00.001-07:00

Last night, we went for a walk with our dogs.

We found a HUGE pile of wood chips--probably 20 feet tall--in a parking lot near our apartment.

So, naturally, we climbed it, let our dogs climb it, and slid down.

It was sort of romantic in the dark, worrying a little about getting caught but doing it anyway, the orange street lights giving just enough light. Bagheera wouldn't go to the top until someone did before him, and Bert wasn't interested until I was at the top, which made him freak out and and run up the side of our wood chip mountain. (Bert loves me and I love that.) My housband didn't make it to the top, but mostly just because he didn't try.

We continued on with our walk, on which we saw horses, people, a giant dirt mountain, a bonfire, and a neighbor who asked to pet our pups.

Then I found wood chips in my underwear (!!), behind my knees (I was wearing long johns, which in itself is an entirely different story), and in my shoes all night.

And yet, it was completely worth it.

Bliggity

2010-11-09T18:58:00.000-07:00

I need your help.

Do you know anyone who lives in or near Elko, Nevada?

Just curious. Let me know.

P.s. I'm sick again. That makes 2 for this fall/winter season.

Vagueness is for hosers.

2010-11-02T16:57:00.000-06:00

And so I apologize.

Truthfully, I have a new job. Which brings my job count up to a total of 3. They include: 1. my day job which I've had for several years, 2. my photography business, and now 3. this one.

This new one is truly stellar; and mostly because I'm somewhat paranoid about things in my personal life being on the interweb, I will just say that it's a job which allows me to work with kids and fill in the gaps of time & money that having my own business left gaping. Which is to say: it's everything I was hoping for and more.

I love working with kids. They are HILarious. And now I have far less pressure on myself and my photo business to succeed, which, honestly, was cramping my style for quite some time. It's hard when you want things to work out and they just aren't for whatever reason. I'm still doing photography and I still love it, I just don't love the pressure of being pretty poor and needing work, then not getting any. SO! This is good. Real good.

And I just got really good news about my housband's future/school opportunities. We are having a good couple of weeks. I'll have to fill you in on that more later.

AND his birthday is on Thursday. I love birthdays--his, mine, our dogs'... I don't care. It's a BIRTHDAY!

Soooo... happy Tuesday. And all this being vague? Yep, makes me a hoser.

image.

Today.

2010-10-20T18:01:00.000-06:00

I would like to remember today--best day I've had in a LONG time. The sort of day where I fist-pump and dance like a maniac--complete with head-banging--just because things are SO GOOD.

So good that I am now sharing some Natalie Dee with you. That means it's a good day.

Annnnnnd to finish off, I love you. YEP. That good.

Spam

2010-10-14T17:28:00.000-06:00

I really enjoy checking my email spam. Most the time, it's junk that I'm glad my inbox filtered out. However, sometimes--like today--I get ones that I'm pretty sure I'll keep forever, mostly because they're quite funny.

For example, today I received an email from my email address (totally forged; in fact, gmail felt it necessary to inform me that the message could very well be not from myself.... good to know, gmail).

The subject? Mr. ashley.gammill, exclusive deal for you.

I was so thrilled to be called mister that I promptly moved it from my spam folder to my inbox and starred the message. I giggled, too... because Mr.? Really? Plus, I have a problem which includes thinking that calling people the wrong gender (when it's clear they're not the one you're calling them) is really funny. Such as: my brother calls me brother. Or when my other brother points to me and says something about "that guy." Also, if you haven't guessed already, I tend to laugh at things that aren't that funny to other people, but I find them hilarious.

Also worth mentioning: my emails from Nutritionist D. Downpour, Femininity E. Carom, Pandemonium J. Rent, Repairs T. Discouraging, Retouching D. Marmot, Temptations D. Swop, and Ballpark E. Delete. Yep, actual "names" of spammers... and I have them all saved in a very special folder.

So yes, whoever-"forged"-my-email-to-write-me-an-email, I will take your exclusive deal. No, I do not care that it's for viagra or some other type of medication I have no need for whatsoever.

Signed,

Mr. ashley.gammill.

Hey-o, October

2010-10-13T17:36:00.003-06:00

I have something to tell you: I don't really like Halloween.

In fact, I don't like people who are dressed up, particularly with masks, and I most especially dislike mascots. This is not a new thing. What is new? I get grumpy around creepy people. And so Halloween makes me grumpy.

Reason #467 I am an old, grumpy lady.

It's sort of a problem because my housband LOVES Halloween.

Also, I was talking to my sister about something a week or so ago and she mentioned that she's tired of apologizing about everything. I feel that way, too. So, historically, this would be the point at which I'd apologize for not writing since August, but I don't really feel that sorry... cause it's my blog and I'm as bad as I want to be. (That sounds really dumb coming from me, but I can imagine my friend, Bri, saying that and it just feels right.)

September was good to me: I had photos in an exhibition, I cut off ALL of my hair--well, nearly--and I'm not sorry about that, either, and I went to California. I loved it so much. If California were a person and bigamy were allowed, I'd totally add it to my stash of people to whom I'm married. (For the record, that will always remain at 1 person. I think I'll keep him. I kinda like him.) I like California a little too much.

Now you can see my hair. I sort of cut it on a whim--but I had several stipulations.
I did not want to look like:
1. Kate Gosselin
2. A boy
3. A grandma
4. An extremist

And now, seeing these pictures one after the other--my longer hair was kind of a mess, but WHAT HAVE I DONE?

Before

After - I'm good at pulling faces that make me look awkward.

The Hair in action!

I actually really like it--most especially because I have a lot of hair, and it's heavy. Plus, I don't think I've ever really regretted cutting my hair any times in my life... it grows. It always grows. I may look like a boy, but I am now a getting-ready-fast-in-the-morning-boy because my hair no longer takes half an hour to blow dry.

Proof that I was really there.

And I have decided that this blog used to be a pleasant place to be, but now I'm just grumpy. And in the spirit of not apologizing, I'm going to rename my blog something that has to do with my problems as a perpetual grumpster. Like the Grumpster Guidebook or something.

Hey, Alanis.

2010-08-31T22:14:00.001-06:00

I've been thinking about Alanis Morrisette lately. And several of her songs. And the music videos. Not really sure why, but I find myself thinking about her while I dry my hair, while I drive my car, etc. Also, it reminds me of the time I was staying late at the darkroom for one of my photo classes, and there were two other girls there with me. One turned on Alanis tunes, and suddenly, without really acknowledging it, both girls were trying to out-sing each other.

And I was stuck in the middle of it.

Sometimes growing up is so weird.

And then I had to visit the restroom down the hall, and in the late late LATE night hours, one of the girls followed me in there and waited for me to come out so she could ask what I thought about the shadows and highlights in the photo she was printing...in the restroom.

Come to think of it, I have a lot of kind-of-funny stories from my time in the photo world. I'll have to revisit this topic.

I feel sort of grumpy lately, but I have a hunch that it's because it became cold very suddenly, and yet I still get really very hot every night.

I've also been inexplicably tired for the last few months, so that could be it. I visited my doc yesterday and demanded ANSWERS, so we'll see what comes of that.

Life is good right now--I like it how it is, but I'm also excited to see where we'll be and what we'll do next.

I would send you a bouquet of newly-sharpened pencils if I knew your name and address.

Last night,

2010-08-24T21:28:00.000-06:00

I ran over Bert with my bike. Don't worry--I didn't do it on purpose, and he's just fine. Nonetheless, it scared the crap out of me and I'm still traumatized. I think, however, he is fine--he was hopping around like nothing happened directly after THE INCIDENT.

August is well on its way, and every year I'm surprised by how pleasant it actually is, because for a few years it was less than ideal. Probably because it's hot and school is beginning (and now without me in it), and there's not a lot to which I can look forward.

But I've noticed something since being out of school; life is a bit more steady and has fewer ups and downs in the sense that I know, generally, what my days will be like. Plus, I can make a lot more plans and actually follow through with them. The other day, I wanted to work on a certain art project and I thought, why not now? So I did it. Then I was at Bear Lake the other day and I wanted to go deeper, so I left Bagheera with my husband (Bert was already drying off) and went deeper, catching waves and letting them carry me closer to shore with each pull. I suppose that was sort of unrelated, but I think I've had a better attitude since getting a feel for my free time.

I'm feeling a lot of carpe diem feelings lately, and I quite like it. Perhaps I'll start doing yoga or something. (Truthfully, it sounds great in theory, but I can't seem to get the breathing and stretching in sync... Coordination isn't my forte.) I've had numerous dreams lately about getting back into tennis-playing shape, so maybe I'll do that.

And if nothing else, the sky is a wonderful blue lately, I've taken lots of photos, I drive around with the windows down, the grass is extra green, and I have two dogs and a husband.

So, life is good.

Apparently, mosquitoes love my feet.

2010-08-17T22:44:00.000-06:00

Also, this is my newest friend. His name is Bert. He is hilarious, and also has these little eyes that melt me. Plus he is so happy.

And you already know this dude. He's still pretty great.

So, the thing about photography for me lately is that it comes with a LOT of rejection. Most of which I was generally not prepared for when I decided to do this. I go through ups and downs because it's hard to get business these days when the market is so saturated... and then I take it personally. (When I shouldn't, I know I shouldn't, but we all know I overthink things.) This is not to say that everyone's going to bad photographers or I'm better than anyone else, because that's completely false. The problem is that there are so many good photographers, and so many who sell themselves short--especially pricing wise--but that's another post entirely. It's kind of crazy.

Anyway, I go through weird cycles of being lonely and feeling sort of inept to having so much joy I don't know how to contain it. I guess I can say I have been extremely happy shooting film--it's so much less work, more of the fun stuff (ie taking the photos), and I actually get to spend time with my husband and dog(s) rather than my computer. It costs money, but time is money in a way, isn't it? There's a reason why that's a cliche.

This summer's almost over and I don't feel ready for it to end. I'm never quite ready to stare winter in the face, mostly because it's been particularly difficult since graduating college and being a "grown up." I'm outside far less, and I think one of my greatest happinesses is just BEING outside. I don't even care to do anything out there... I just like to be outside. Staring through a window isn't quite the same.

Life sort of feels as though it's in fast forward lately, and as much as I want to say I'm prepared for it, I don't know that I am. The things I hold most true to are still the same: my husband, my family, finding and keeping happiness, figuring out ways to be most happy, reexamining my beliefs and finding ways to grow them. Some guy at the dog park was talking about certain people in Africa whose IQ's are around the 70s range (which is to say, really low). And I caught myself thinking, so what? If they're happy then so what? Sometimes I wish I knew less of the world. It often frightens me because it's so huge and out of control and at the same time, everything is so beautiful in a sad way. I try not to think about it too much... it makes my head feel dizzy independently of my body.

I feel like I write a lot of tangential posts lately... I've been stuck in my head a lot. This is all to say, I am now accepting applications for a female best friend position. My other best friends are A). across the country (that goes for two of them) or B). too busy doing their own thing or C). I am married to them (which is ok but it's nice to have female companionship). Any takers?

I have NOT

2010-08-14T19:54:00.000-06:00

abandoned blog... I've just been busy.

With stuff like this photo:

Last weekend, we traveled to Ketchum (near Sun Valley), Idaho, and it was kind of magical. Sounds corny, but that's just how I feel. I'll tell you more about it later.

So. Let's talk.

2010-07-22T21:23:00.003-06:00

My favorite thing to do this summer is go to Bear Lake. I wish I had photos for you, but I don't... not right now. They're at home, and I am not. My favorite part of it is taking the dog and watching him burn his energy by swimming and frolicking and visiting all the kids around. He is JUST THE BEST.

In other news, and down to the point of this post, yesterday was one of the best/worst days of my summer. Best because being with family is so much fun... that, and we attended Fiesta Days where my sister lives, and there's lots of carnivals and carni folk. My nephew won two goldfish, and the rest of us tried a bunch of times but couldn't get any. I also rode a ride with my niece that pretty much did me in--I've never been SO SQUISHED by a 7-year-old before. I was alternately laughing so hard I was crying and feeling barfy.... pretty funny. I took a bunch of photos, and it was just a really nice evening. It was one of those nights that I think I'll always remember. Actually, I know I'll never forget it because of what happened beforehand...

Her really bad, leperous, bald haircut. We are ridiculous.

Yesterday evening, my sister, Amy, and I opted to give their sweet little dog a haircut. She was hairy and couldn't see out, so we opted to use some pet clippers on her. And somewhere along the way (Amy trimmed her with the ineffective clippers and I had the scissors), after shaving her nearly bald--I told you, those clippers were BAD--I sliced Scooba's poor little face open. I figured I got her when she nipped at my hand (oh don't worry, this has happened before but not so dramatically when I tried to help her see better)... but I had no idea it was THAT bad.

It makes my stomach flip thinking about it... they were supposed to be non-dangerous and non-slicing scissors with protected ends. Count on me to do damage with them! I felt so bad. I FEEL so bad. We held a damp paper towel to her face to stop the bleeding, but I couldn't stop myself from gasping when I saw the gash. We tried to talk ourselves into the idea that she wouldn't need stitches, but after showing my brother-in-law, it became pretty clear that that's exactly what she needed. In the midst of all the craziness, my sister had to take her to get two staples on her face to close it up before we could go to the carnival. In the meantime, I wrangled a 2-year-old, two 9-year-olds, one 7-year-old, tried to keep the dog hair on my clothes from getting everywhere, took a QUICK shower (my skin was crawling with tiny dog hairs EVERYWHERE) while trying to distract said 2-year-old from the fact that mommy left in the car without her, then making pancakes for everyone for dinner because then we didn't have time for pizza due to staple-Scoob.

Her sweet killer tank top. So people won't think she's a leper.

Finally, Amy came back with Scooba and her new face staples. Somehow, Scooba still likes me. If I were her, I'd probably decide not to be friends with me by now. Needless to say, she is a REALLY good dog.

You can see one of her staples in the light.... and her really bad haircut.

Annnnnnd a little closer shot of the staples. I still feel so bad.

Just in case you couldn't see them.

She seems to be handling it alright. I, however, might not be. After Amy's little family's summer from outer darkness, which includes a big bike wreck after my bro-in-law was clipped by a car and had 3 surgeries to repair broken bones, a broken-down van, a 2-year-old yelling holdyouholdyouholdyou everywhere (among other things), I'm "glad" I could contribute just one more little stressful thing.

(Side note: I borrowed Amy's point and shoot to take these photos... it was surprisingly difficult. Kind of funny that I could tell you a lot about my good ol' DSLR and 35mm film camera, but barely know how to make a little Canon work.)

I like being here, but I think I cause more bad luck than good.

But the good news is, Scooba is ok, soon I'll be home, and everyone will be alright in the long run... right?

I AM SO SORRY AMY, ANDY, AND ESPECIALLY SCOOBS.

I keep thinking

2010-07-20T20:42:00.000-06:00

of things I could write here, but it almost bores me to think of my time lately--it's been a lot of good things, and a lot of considering the future.

Nonetheless, I'd like a better record of how I spend my time because my memory isn't as sharp as it used to be before Big Life Responsibilities.

So, here goes.

This summer, I have:
*spent a lot of time at my sister's house--about 3 weeks total now. It's been a really nice break.
*attempted to get into water aerobics. Perhaps I'll have to try again soon.
*been puzzled by an onslaught of ants in our kitchen.
*gone camping (last Friday!) and slept on hard ground. Also, almost saw my dog hit by a car beforehand. Awesome.
*shot a lot of film, spent plenty of money on film, but loved photography more than ever.
*discovered bocce... well, kind of. I'd heard of it before, but hadn't ever played. Come to find out, it's a lot of fun!
*tried to find happiness in where I am right now, rather than worrying about the future or feeling lost in the uncertainty of where we'll be or what we'll be doing in a couple of years. I'm still working on this one each and every day.
*gotten tired of our semi-working central air. Tired of being hot! Also, tired of being cold. Thinking of moving to a warmish/coolish climate year-round.
*felt tired. A lot.
*tried to put more things in perspective... not always so easy.
*tried to get my sleep schedule under control. Still a work in progress. (Btw, how am I ever going to have kids when I can't even get my own sleeping under control? Just curious.)
*loved watching So You Think You Can Dance. Perhaps I'll take up dancing. (You never know.)

Photo news!

2010-07-14T08:08:00.000-06:00

I feel as though I'm always plugging my little business, but I guess that's what small business owners have to do.

If you check out my photo blog, I'm offering a really (really REALLY) great discount/deal for any type of photo shoot you'd ever dream of wanting.

Visit here to check it out!

If you know anyone looking to update their family photos, photos of their kids, etc., send them my way! This deal will only last until July 24th, so don't wait too long.

Thanks for always being patient with all my announcements.

I have several things to tell you about, one of which includes barf (I'm just kidding--I don't think you want to hear about that, but I did throw up last weekend for the first time in probably four-ish years...).

I get really irritated when I realize I haven't kept good records of my daily life, mostly because I hate forgetting things, so I think I will have to become better at posting regularly--not just my thoughts, but life, too.

So count on it.

I like this. This is my life lately.

2010-07-01T21:23:00.001-06:00

"What's it going to take?

We usually use that phrase in dire circumstances. What's it going to take for you to wake up? What's it going to take for me to quit? What's it going to take for them to realize?

But life is an urgent circumstance, really, when you think about it. Birth...miraculous. Survival...miraculous. Death...inevitable. Suffering...optional. Life...urgent.

I wonder what my days would be like if I approached my happiness with more urgency and insistence (like I do deadlines and should-do's.) I've GOT to meet my dancing quota! Come hell or high water, I WILL get a facial and lay in the sun! Wild horses couldn't keep me from lunch with my girlfriends! Most important deadlines: to meander, to laugh until I snortle by noon every day, to see the first Robin bird of spring before the week is over.

So, in the spirit of urgent vitality, and not knowing when death may strike, and being acutely bored of my same old pattern of complaints, I'm asking myself, lovingly but firmly: [Ashley], what's it going to take for you to be incredibly joyful? What's it going to take for you to make an evolutionary leap as an artist, lover, mother, friend, human? What's it going to take to get you to walk to the lake that's four minutes from your house? What's it going to take to get you on the dance floor? You want to eat life whole? To know God? To radiate pure love? What's it going to take?"

Over the long weekend, I'm certainly going to think about this--happiness, I think, is most important. From here.

Carpe diem, and happy Thursday.

The good news is

2010-06-28T21:25:00.000-06:00

I learn more about myself all the time.

For example?

Today I re-learned that driving a long(er) distance (than around town) alone isn't bad. Shocker for those who (really) know me. And that it means I can listen to whatever music I want and skip songs I don't want, and I sing along as loud as I want. Even if it looks funny. I recommend these songs for singing along as loud as your vocal cords allow:

"Kissing the Lipless" - The Shins
"Am I Wrong" - Love Spit Love
"A Lack of Color" - Death Cab for Cutie

I'm sure there are others, but I can't think of them right this second. Also, the CDs playing in my car today were from mixes I made when I was 18 and 19. I was a cool kid. I still like those mixes, big time.

Secondly, I re-learned today that wearing makeup is sometimes more of a hassle than it's worth. I like rinsing my face mid-day, mostly because it's so hot outside. And today, having no makeup on = awesome. No makeup on my hand towel. And plus who cares.

Lately, I'm trying to figure out what to do with my life. I already have two things down: wife and dog owner. (That and daughter, sister, aunt, stepsister, granddaughter, etc., etc.) Beyond that, I'm an open book. Any suggestions? I have several options in mind: grad school student, nanny, dog walker, artist. Now it's your turn for some ideas.

Happy Monday to all my friends in blogland. And real land.

It's a little sad

2010-06-23T22:14:00.000-06:00

when you find out your apple juice is more diverse than you.

"Contains concentrate from USA, Poland, and China."

Oh well. At least diverse nations can come together for the sake of some juice.

Lastly, I turned 24 last week. Hello, 24. Please be good to me.

So.

2010-06-10T18:06:00.001-06:00

I like to draw. Did you know this about me? I'll go through periods of drawing and drawing and drawing and then.... nothing.

Because I'm not that good, and because it gets discouraging. But I like doing it, so I do anyway.

Lately, I've found the most inspiration from these three artists. They're all women, and all really spectacular at what they do.

First up: Tuesday Mourning. She has an awesome name. She also draws insane portraits. Simple, but really very cool.

Both images courtesy of Tuesday via her blog.

Next, there's Melissa Peck. She lives in Utah (bonus!) and paints these surreal portraits. They are so stunning in person--she has some pieces at a gallery in Park City. The colors she uses are so delicious, and the depth within her work is unbelievable.

All images from Melissa's blog.

Lastly, there's Cori Dantini. I want to be just like her. Well, not really. Like her, but with my own spin. She makes something so simple into such beautiful drawings... I like the grace within her drawing, how simple it is but complex at the same time.

All images via Cori's blog or her etsy shop.

I guess they're all pretty different, but they're my three favorites of the drawing/painting world right now.

So now I'm wondering--who are your favorites? Anyone you think the world should know about? I love finding new artists and inspiration. Come out from behind the curtains! Let me know!

Or don't. But.... do.

The other night,

2010-06-09T22:57:00.000-06:00

I was reading a book.

I tried to go to bed at a respectable time, like a respectable adult. Instead, I lied awake and thought thought thought about the book. And how sometimes I felt that way--the way the main character thinks and feels. Like I was losing my mind or am I still? Maybe I am. Maybe life is like a delicate thread, you're a little on either side, sane or insane. You're a little bit both. Anyway, I finally decided to go for it--obviously I wasn't getting any sleep until I continued--so I turned on my book light at 2 or so in the a.m. and read until I finished, around 3 a.m.

And I felt that I had it a lot more together afterward. I guess I need to be better about not sponging emotions or ideas from things which surround me.

Lately, I've felt that I'm not very good at playing "adult." I'm not very good at a lot of things. All I can do, for now, is love my family, love my friends, and give them parts of myself that I can. All I really have is two hands... but they can do a lot of good, I've learned.

Life is hard, but it's good. Life has been hard lately. Lots of hard things have happened, and I think about this all the time, but life is fragile. Let go of unimportant things. Don't hold grudges against those you love--it's just not worth it. I'm not trying to preach--instead, I write these things often to remind myself. Sometimes I forget.

I'm at my sister's house, taking care of her kids while she's at the hospital with her husband, my brother-in-law. My nieces and nephew are so precious. Sometimes it's hard to say that about bickering 9 and 6 year-olds, but they are. It's wonderful to care for another person's family, to feel trusted in that way. And to watch after kids who are so obviously loved.

I am quite tired, and it's not even 11. I miss my dog and husband, and my little home and regular life. I've only been here one day, but it's still been a good day.

What a strange transition it is--going from no kids to three (two who are pretty independent and one who is... well... not so much). I have so much praise for parents, and especially working parents. It's hard. But loving them is easy.

I'm sorry, Gary Coleman.

2010-06-01T23:57:00.000-06:00

I hope it wasn't me that cursed you... but I really didn't know you were going to pass away. Rest in peace, Gary.

I just had to get that off my chest.

Moving on...

Reasons why I am an old lady:

1. My favorite game to play is backgammon. Have you ever even heard of it? Do you play it? I guess the only thing that qualifies me to be a young person here is that I play it exclusively on my phone.

2. My second favorite game as of late? Othello. Also on my phone. Also not a game young people play, from what I can gather.

3. My back is generally ache-y.

4. If I sit in one position too long, my legs get really stiff. (Unless I'm sitting in a chair. Generally, this one's only if I'm sitting on the floor.)

5. I could probably doze off at any given time, no matter how much sleep I've gotten previously. (Perhaps that's just a sleep disorder.)

6. I can/but haven't tried to put my hair in the old lady "puff." You know what I'm talking about. The consistency of my hair, lately, is that of an old lady puff. It's odd.

7. Occasionally, I say inappropriate things. Mostly to my husband. And yet.

8. I laugh at lots of things I say. They're not particularly funny. (My grandma does that... does yours?)

9. I think about the good ol' days a lot. Hi. I'm 23.

10. I'm kind of grumpy a lot lately. I have no real reason to be... I'm just grumpy at air and stuff. I don't really know.

Annnnnnnnnd that's about it for today. Are you an old lady too? Is there anybody out there?

Photos of my grandma were taken by me, October 2009.

Whatchoo talkin bout, Willis?

2010-05-28T00:10:00.000-06:00

So. I subscribed to a feed which shows me what people are googling. It's interesting, really. I think I was expecting more porn, but I'm pleased to say there's actually not any of that (besides Kendra Wilkinson's recent situation). But we won't go into that; I have no interest in porn, but if you do, perhaps you ought to check that out instead of my little ol' blog.

ANYway, what I came here to talk about is tonight's most googled phrase: Tom Cruise is dead. At first, I was slightly concerned about the crazy couch-jumper, but I've done a bit of research and found that it's not truth, and he will live to parent Suri another day.

Also interesting: Gary Coleman was on the list because he was hospitalized today. Come to find out, his wife has the exact name of my mother-in-law, but spelled very differently. Get well soon, Gary.

I've been working on something really hard the last little while, which is why I've been absent. But don't you worry: I'm still here, I still have a husband and a dog, and I'm still riding my bike around. It's a good life.

Coming up next: a blog post revealing why I am, in reality, an old lady. Also, a post about my favorite artists of late. Stay tuned.

Toodle-loo.

So

2010-05-17T22:24:00.001-06:00

I have something I want to tell you.

We have some visitors... actually, permanent residents... in our apartment.

We are paying rent for them to stay.

And they live in the roof.

Ok, so they're birds. And I know they're in there because they wake me up pretty much every morning. I've never heard such strange scraping sounds in my life. It never really bothered me until recently, when I realized I should write about them--there's a probable nest up there, too, what with baby birds chirping and all. I generally think nothing exciting is going on in my life but then I realized having birds--uninvited ones, nonetheless--for roommates is somewhat exciting.

I wouldn't mind it so much if I weren't extremely paranoid about the amount of poop that's most likely up there, which is probably also diseased (I watched a TV show about a pigeon infestation once--let's just say it ruined me).

And I've felt sick (again), which makes me wonder if it's the disease creeping into our apartment.

Yes, I could call my landlord. Why I haven't is a story for another day... oh boy.

This is not a photo of one of the birds in my attic. However, I did take it. I thought I'd spice all this up with a photo. Because why not?

In other news, I am still scouting out dogs from the shelter which I can adopt. (Note: we cannot afford another dog, nor do we have the space. And yet.)

I have been trying to "shrink" myself and figure out why, psychologically, I can't be happy with the one I've got already (I am happy with him, I just want another dog to love). And then I think of the line from Paul Blart, Mall Cop, something about peanut butter filling the cracks of the heart.

But in this case, my peanut butter is a fluffy, loveable shelter dog.

What I can't figure out is what's missing? Perhaps I've got an unfulfilled need. If you could tell me what that is, that would be great.

Lastly, I've been drawing a lot lately. And I don't know how many of you are into art, but do you know of any artists, particularly artists who primarily draw, that you really love? I'll tell you who mine are in a minute.... aka in another post...

Anyway. It's Monday. My dog's not eating anything but grass (?). Don't worry, we asked the vet about it. It feels as though it's going to be a long week. I have to go relax now.

So, lately,

2010-05-12T19:41:00.003-06:00

I haven't felt like posting about nothing. So, I'm going to put a little plug in here, real quick--I guess I can. It is my blog, after all.

I swear after this, I'll have some real things to write about, not just doodads here and there.

Will you all do me a little favor: will you please (oh pretty pretty please) take a button and post it on your blog?

I'm attempting to spread the word about my little business, and this would surely help. It's not easy being a small business owner, and it's hard to get my name out there. Maybe this little beauty will help? Right now, I can use all the help I can get.

And here's the code you'll need to help me out:

If you love me, help me out! I'll owe you one. A BIG one.

And like I mentioned on my photo blog, there might be a prize involved if you take a button, then leave a comment on my photo blog with a link to where you put it... just sayin... and it might be really good...

It's been a couple weeks. How are you? (Yes, I really want to know.)

Dweeb

2010-04-29T19:55:00.000-06:00

You know you're a dork when, on a Thursday night while visiting your sister and her family, you're studying the ins and outs of Ansel Adams' zone system. (And getting excited about all of its possibilities.)

Also, you know you're a dork when you're talking with your husband before you fall asleep, and he asks about what you're thinking.

Your answer: photography.

And to think that answer used to be global warming. Huh.

Life, lately

2010-04-23T15:16:00.000-06:00

I am happy. The weather is getting better, and there's sunshine outside... I forget, every year, that winter ends, that spring always comes.

Lately, I find myself regularly wanting to share funny stories or little anecdotes with my office-mate at work, but then I realize they're probably only funny to me and my husband. So I don't share several things; instead, I keep them with me and they make me smile and my insides feel warm and swollen in a good way.

Photos of my grandparents. I love their goofy grins in the second photo.

I love my dog. I think I love him more every day. He has brought me such happiness, and I love his company. He tries very hard to be a lap dog, but he's not particularly good at it. He also enjoys getting drinks from the tub faucet, which is charming. He almost always wags his tail, and he puts himself in his cage when he thinks we're mad at him. He has whiskers JUST long enough, and his fur is so soft. He naps by me. He licks my face. He's a good dog.

I love my husband, too, but I don't want to tell you everything about him because he wouldn't like that, and I'm not particularly mushy about him except to myself. He makes me laugh all the time, laugh in the sort of way that is explosive or a "burst laugh" as he calls it. I think this laugh is embarrassing, but he says he likes it. Nobody else makes me consistently laugh like he does. Sometimes I laugh really hard at things he says to me when it's just us, but get embarrassed when he says the same things to other people, but he never cares. Nobody else is willing to be so silly and crazy with me. Sometimes, I'll say something I think is incredibly outlandish, and he will, without any hesitation, top what I just said, easily. It drives me crazy, but it also impresses me--his wit is quick. (Except that I never win our bizarro what-if situations...it's a regular game we play.) He's good at making dinner for us, but bad at cleaning it up. He likes dumb shows on TV, but some good ones, too. He likes to talk about moving to Nevada because he knows it bugs me. He's my biggest supporter and compliments me a lot about things like my outfits or my hairdo. He loves our dog and tries to teach him new tricks all the time. Ok, yep, I just love him. That was mushy. But I didn't tell you everything about him, just a little.

Life is good in the sort of way that makes you want to take off your clothes and play with your brother and sister in a lake. If you were a kid, that is.

Anyway, life is good and I am happy. I have a lot of things going on right now, lots of changes and new ideas, but it's good. So good that I just can't keep it to myself.

What's good for you lately?

Spring makes the world happy

2010-04-20T14:16:00.003-06:00

Soon, the trees will be blooming.

We picked up our cruiser bikes last Friday night and since, I've been on five bike rides. Today, Bagheera pulled me over with a big CRASHBANG because he had to go poop.

That little dog is strong.

Anyway, I didn't care so much except that my bike now makes weird noises, probably because of the basket and the way it's hooked on, but oh well.

The next-door neighbors were out back when I went to unlock my bike before we left. Bagheera went to visit them and generally put his paws on them while wagging his tail so hard his entire back half swayed from side to side. She (the neighbor) said (after I told her it might be an interesting ride with a leashed dog), good luck! When I came back, she said, you made it! And I said, yes, but he pulled me over once, and now my bike makes noises.

Isn't life so silly sometimes.

Also, the neighbors are really very nice, and I don't know why, but I haven't really bothered before. So maybe I'll make some new friends. But they're neater than me, and I can tell because they were doing laundry today--I haven't done mine in over a week and my bedroom's messy.

Huh.

I just finished looking through over 1,000 of my grandpa's negatives which my uncle scanned last summer. I think I'll share more because they make me so happy, and this is my blog, and I like posting that which makes me happy.

Time capsule

2010-04-16T16:58:00.000-06:00

I do this elsewhere a lot, but I'd like to do it here this time. Here's my time capsule of sorts.

Things which make me emotional lately:

This great dane. Dogs like this in general.

(Photos, as always, by the fabulous Sharon Montrose.)

Looking at the pet adoption site for Cache Valley and finding so many dogs that need a home. Yep, I'm a total dog person.
Thinking about getting older
Thinking about how quickly life passes by

Songs with which I am in love:

"Family Tree," TV on the Radio
"Fables," The Dodos
"Lille," Lisa Hannigan
"Follow Me," Thirteen Senses
"What Is a Life?" Youth Group
"Wonderful" Gary Go
"Tik Tok" Ke$ha (It's catchy...)
"I Guess It's Gonna Rain Today," Sondre Lerche
"Sunshine Song," Jason Mraz

Favorite article of clothing:

These shoes!

Currently saving for:

New bedding
A smaller kitchen table
A couple lenses for my cameras

Excited about:

Visiting Arizona in May
Stopping at a rock shop along the way and admiring HUGE geodes
Visiting my sister in a couple weeks
Getting my film back from the best lab in the world
The way it smells outside, and the sunshine
Finding rugs for our apartment so I don't have to sweep every day

Worried about:

My business
Yesterday's earthquake
Whether Bagheera is sick or not... (long story)
Getting older
Having enough money

Loving:

The house we passed on our way back from our anniversary weekend; they had a million peacocks. White ones and regular ones. It was a dream!
Sherlock Holmes, the movie. Much better than I expected.
The stack of books I have waiting for me at home.
My little family

Sick of:

Laundry
Not having my bike to ride at our apartment (it's at my in-laws). I want to ride it!
Rising gas prices
The dog eating tree bark... then throwing it up.
Dishes
Figuring out what to eat at every meal besides breakfast. Why is cereal not an acceptable diet?

Considering:

Graduate school
Photo shoot ideas (I'm thinking of creative/different ones... any volunteers who want to be photographed?)

I think that's good for now. I'm so excited about the weekend; this week has been so good. I'm looking forward to spending time with my husband and dog, and seeing old friends at a baby shower.

What are YOU looking forward to this weekend?

The sky is falling

2010-04-15T20:02:00.000-06:00

Tonight, I experienced my first earthquake.

I wish I could tell you I handled it calmly. (I guess I did, outwardly.)(Besides finding cover after watching my apartment walls shake and twinkle lights sway with the seismic waves.)

So I crouched between the kitchen table and bar. And then my dog followed me, and proceeded to stand on his back legs and put his front paws on my shoulders. He was giving me a hug, sniffing my hair, licking my ear.

I felt stupid.

My dog thought it was a game, and I wondered if I'd had a psychological breakdown.

A minute later, back on my couch, I looked for information on whether we had an earthquake; I found nothing, and I seriously wondered about my sanity.

Then I looked on facebook. At least four different statuses from friends asked if others felt the quake, and I felt so relieved.

Guys: I'm not crazy.

I am, however, a huge chicken. I am somewhat afraid that a big one is on its way. My husband got home from work and didn't believe that there was an earthquake, and he laughed a bit at my numerous "what if" worries.

We then headed to the dog park, and while my dog ran around, my imagination went wild. Something like a fly stuck in a jar.

I could nearly feel the ground moving, giving me that dizzy feeling I had felt minutes ago. I could feel the old, familiar disorientation I felt as a child after spinning and spinning in circles until my very universe showed its true rotation, synced with the slow turn of the earth. I saw the tall, thin trees falling and the ground split wide in thick cracks. I wondered if the daylight would go away; perhaps the sun itself would fall from its suspension in the sky, like an overripe orange, and I'd hear its lazy, dull thud from miles away. And then darkness. Everywhere.

And that's when I realized I'd gotten carried away.

I watched Bagheera chew on small branches and chase other dogs. The daylight began to fade, and we headed back home.

Hello, old friends.

2010-04-09T17:28:00.001-06:00

This week, I've been feeling sort of negative, especially after coming back from last weekend's glorious vacation (I'll have to write more about that later). Well, I guess, mini-vacation.

So, I decided this time if I don't have something good to write, I will write nothing at all. I hate complaining, and I hate it even more when I do it.

Here are the good things about this week:

1. The flower aisle. Have you guys ever stopped to look at your local grocer's flower section? I love them. They're cheap, they're pretty, and they smell SO good. Yesterday while grocery shopping, I took a little detour into the plant/flower section, and stood there, sniffing the air. I was in heaven. And then, I proceeded to talk to my husband about orchids and how much I like them for the next 5 minutes or so. I am in love with flowers.

2. My dog. I like the way he smells. I guess that's a good thing, because a lot of people don't like dog smell. BUT, I like how he smells a little like outside (dirt, sunshine, dew), and a little bit like dog, and a little bit like our apartment. Also, I like that he's spoiled and thinks he's a lap dog. Sometimes, I let him sit on my lap because I think it's funny--he's way too big for that. He also sleeps on our bed (I know), and he uses our pillows like people do. And he's always happy to see me. I'm always happy to see him, too.

3. Surviving a drive through a nasty snow storm Monday night after getting rear-ended. (Perhaps this could be a reason for why I'm feeling so negative this week? It sure started off with a bang...) I was so anxious about the road conditions, especially after being in an accident, that I couldn't stop shaking--but not just shaking, it was more of a full-body tremor. But the positive side: I made it through. That's what counts.

4. Insurance. I can't afford health insurance, but I am so glad I have car insurance, and I'm so glad the people who hit us had car insurance, too. And how nice the insurance people have been to me... I can't deal with mean people. It makes everything so much easier when people are kind to each other.

5. My niece, Paige. My sister and her kids are here for spring break, and I feel as though Paigey has suddenly grown up so fast. She asks for my "hallo" (phone) and looks at the photos on it. And she smiles real big with her eyes closed when you get what she's saying. Something like this:

Ok, so sue me, all my little nieces and nephews just kill me. I love them all! They instantly cheer me up.

6. Shooting film photography. I love film. I love the way it feels, the way my camera sounds, the crank sound it makes when I advance the film... pretty much everything about it. And the fact that I'm not going to have to do anything to the film after I get it scanned at the lab? Just a bonus. A HUGE bonus.

7. It's the freakin' weekend. I'm going to take more photos, see some baby animals, and rest up from the week.

What's good about your week?

The real story, part 2.

2010-04-03T12:18:00.001-06:00

Remember this? Yep. Here's part 2... finally.

So, junior year passed, and with the start of my senior year, I had lunch with my best friend. I didn't have lunch with my usual group of lunch friends, so I sat with my best friend and her "weird" (or so I thought) friends that I didn't know so well.

One of whom was my housband.

He joked a lot and had big (BIG) hair. I didn't take him very seriously--I had too many experiences with teenage boys that embittered me, and because I didn't think he could be serious, I was more harsh than I should have been.

I remember very vividly days in the lunchroom, bright yellow lunch trays (which he got in trouble for "stealing" over 100 trays, though they never left school property), talking with him and other friends, laughing and joking about our future plans and college applications, things like that.

We became ok friends; that year, we went to a football game with some friends and I remember feeling a sense of security with him and those friends, like maybe we'd be friends for a while. I felt good about the idea, and felt comfortable about hanging out with them in public. (Ok, so I was weird in high school. Who wasn't?) Later in the year, I wished that I could go with him to senior ball--there was a lot of drama surrounding the dance for me, dumb stuff--he went with his girlfriend at the time--and I boogied with him and his girl that night, and had SO much fun. He was very sweet to his girlfriend, and I admired that. He held her hand in front of all of us, which is a big deal in teenager-dom, and I distinctly remember feeling a bit of jealousy about their hand-holding.

Eventually, school ended, and his relationship did, too. I saw him one or two times that summer.

That fall, we both went to school at the same University, as kids from our town tend to do since it is a college town. I was pretty overwhelmed with the whole concept of COLLEGE, but when I went to my last new class, there he was. Sitting alone. Looking ornery. I found out his e-mail address and told him via msn messenger we should sit together in Psychology. So we did, and we doodled together, laughed at our professor's weirdness, made jokes, and generally had a good time. He walked with me after every class to the bench where my sister would pick me up after her class. We'd laugh and talk, and he'd make excuses to go the direction I needed to go next. Once, after a psychology study session, his longboard got ran over and broke in half. Later, he told me he was thinking about something I said, which caused him to hit a crack and bail on his board... but all I got from his story was wondering what I could have said that would stick with him. He was thinking about me? On his own time? That was interesting.

I kind of liked him, but I didn't want to admit it--like I said, I didn't really trust him, or most boys in general. We did things outside of class, too, like bowling and watching movies on Fridays with friends, and I grew to really enjoy my time with him.

One day, he asked me on a date, mostly because his friend needed someone to double with. It was extremely awkward. But we ended the night at this certain park, and I doubt I've ever laughed harder. After the date, we went to my house and he helped himself to apple juice in my fridge--perhaps the first time he ever did that. I liked the familiarity of the gesture. We decided that night that we were best friends. Even if we really weren't, we decided it anyway and it sort of became reality after a time. We made it some sort of ritual that we'd go to that park, sit on the lawn in the dark, and talk that fall semester.

After that semester, he prepared to leave on a two-year religious mission for our church. I knew he'd probably be going all along, but what I didn't realize was how much I'd grown attached to him and his friendship, and how much I'd miss him.

The morning he left, I went with my best friend (who is also one of his best friends) to say goodbye to him before he reached the MTC (or, Missionary Training Center) with a care package he could have, but we accidentally slept in due to staying up late the night before getting the package together.

We missed him--he'd already left. I felt sick to my stomach that I'd missed him, because who knew where I'd be two years from then?

To be continued...

Two years in,

2010-04-03T09:20:00.001-06:00

and sometimes it still surprises and delights me that we're married.

Sometimes it's hard, other times it's fun, and most times, it's fantastic to have him around.

We drove in my little red car to our wedding dinner after I frantically packed in my wedding dress for our honeymoon--apparently I'm not much of the organized sort, and didn't think to do that before, oh, just then. We stopped along the way at his parents' house; he ran in to drop something off. The thought hit me so clearly: we're married. My stomach felt light, and I was so excited to have him forever. I also felt kind of silly because I was in my wedding dress in my dinky little car. Life's funny like that sometimes.

I'm still glad he's mine. He's my best friend. I remember our first dance, how my cheeks were burning because everyone was looking at us, and I much rather would have been part of the party than the STAR of the party. But in that moment, it didn't matter much because we were there, dancing. And who really cared, anyway? Not me, not in that moment. So we danced.

Remember this? I will tell you more about how we met... later today. Lucky you... maybe?

Saturday

2010-04-02T15:54:00.001-06:00

Two years ago today, I helped my family set up the mansion we were going to have our wedding dinner at, and I felt odd that this thing--this wedding--was really happening.

Two years ago tomorrow, my life changed forever.

Two years have seriously flown by. And look at us now--we're raising a puppy (ha. ha ha.).

Just so you know, we have a hierarchy of things to keep alive before we can have kids.
It goes like this:

1. Keep a plant alive for at least one year. (Done--Pete, our plant, is thriving and probably needs a new pot here soon... he's growing out of it.)
2. Keep a dog alive for at least one year. (Not there yet.) (I'll let you know how it goes.) (I haven't killed him--the dog--yet.)

Perhaps someday, we'll get to the having kids part of life.

Other interesting things about our two years together:

We've been on 5 trips together (some more local than others...), had at least 7 haircuts between us, moved once, adopted one dog, gotten one new car and numerous car parts, gone camping twice and had the best tinfoil dinners I've ever had (what is wrong with us? Only twice?), added two nieces to the family, bought two cruiser bikes, had 6 jobs between the two of us, and watched dozens of movies together, the worst probably being Knowing and Gentlemen Broncos.

I couldn't think of any other random stats. Anywho, we're going to celebrate by having a little jaunt in the city this weekend... but I have some things scheduled for your entertainment in the meantime.

Happy Friday.

I love you much,most beautiful darling

2010-03-31T23:58:00.003-06:00

One of my favorite things to do is nothing.

Let me explain.

I remember Saturdays when I was growing up where I'd have certain jobs (or chores, whatever you call them), and I'd take my time doing them. My mom would turn on the radio and sing along to the "oldies" playing which were popular during the time she was in middle school and high school. Sometimes I can still hear her hum and sing along, her slippered feet shuffling along the carpet...that was a large part of my childhood. I remember one particular Saturday, I sat in my bedroom, silent on my bed. I thought and thought and thought about places or things or ideas to which my mind wandered. Then I'd retrace my thought process to remember how I got there, back and forth, like a toy train on the track of my mind. Sometimes I thought those days of growing up would never end. (I was really wrong.)

I remember specifically the afternoon light in my room that day, how it was soft and bright, perfect for pondering. I loved that room. It was perfect for naps, thinking, bedtime, having my dog sleep at the foot of my bed instead of sleeping in the laundry room. That day, I remember listening to my mom's slippered feet gathering static as she hummed, cleaning and putting things away. My room was probably messy, and I was probably avoiding cleaning it. But I remember giving myself time to work my thoughts out, and how it felt important to me, even if it wasn't in reality.

Sometimes I still ponder like this; I remember living with roommates, I came home one day and opened up my bedroom window and felt the mid-March chill. I lied in bed on my polka-dotted sheets and thought about my life until I fell asleep. A few weeks ago, I was cleaning our spare room and momentarily took a break. I was on my back on the floor, listening to music and thought about anything and everything, sorting my life's laundry in my brain's compartments.

Today, it snowed. All day. At first, I was disappointed because I was wearing flats, a jacket, a tshirt and jeans. I especially hated it after brushing my car off and my feet were damp and cold. But tonight, I noticed the trees hanging low with the weight of snow. And how the sky was that peculiar grey it becomes on snowy nights. I noticed it resting on chain-link fences, and I thought to myself, I don't hate this weather. I don't know of many more romantic things than the way the world looks at night while it's snowing.

It seems that lately, I have a bad attitude about certain things in my life. I try to change, but it's extremely difficult. And you know what else? My back hurts a lot. But that's nothing new, just an old annoyance. I find myself irritated at the same old things, and yet I know that the only thing I know for certain I can change is myself.

And the truth is, each and every single night, I go to bed, grateful for what I have. I'm grateful to know what I know, to have a couple of best friends with whom I live. I'm even grateful for the girl scout cookies in the cupboard about which my husband forgot.

I know I write about the same junk all the time. But more than anything else, I need these reminders for myself that life is good. It's not always easy, simple, or glamorous, but it's real, and good.

I am a worrier by nature. So I'll leave you with a question: how do you get your mind to relax? I don't always have the time or energy to let my mind wander anymore. Maybe I should take up meditating. Any tips?

From where I come

2010-03-30T17:17:00.000-06:00

"A poem needs understanding through the senses. The point of diving into a lake is not immediately to swim to the shore but to be in the lake, to luxuriate in the sensation of water. You do not work the lake out; it is an experience beyond thought. Poetry soothes and emboldens the soul to accept the mystery."--From the movie Bright Star, spoken by John Keats' character

Sometimes, I wish I could remember this description while trying to explain my fondness for poetry to others.

This is one of my favorite poems.

somewhere i have never travelled, gladly beyond
any experience,your eyes have their silence:
in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me,
or which i cannot touch because they are too near

your slightest look easily will unclose me
though i have closed myself as fingers,
you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens
(touching skilfully,mysteriously)her first rose

or if your wish be to close me,i and
my life will shut very beautifully,suddenly,
as when the heart of this flower imagines
the snow carefully everywhere descending;

nothing which we are to perceive in this world equals
the power of your intense fragility:whose texture
compels me with the color of its countries,
rendering death and forever with each breathing

(i do not know what it is about you that closes
and opens;only something in me understands
the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses)
nobody,not even the rain,has such small hands

ee cummings

I gave this poem to my husband once, and since he's a science-minded fellow, I don't think he particularly understood it. But, the thing is, it's more about being in the poem, staying in the moment. It's somewhat nonsensical, but at the same time, it makes perfect sense. It's not so much literal, but requires Emily Dickinson's sensation: "If I feel physically as if the top of my head were taken off, I know that is poetry." You have to think about it while not thinking about it.

Say the idea is a fly, zooming around my head; I get it, I feel it, it makes sense, it's right there--but it's just far enough that I'm reaching to understand or grasp its sentiments. That, and it's one of those things where I don't mind the fly zooming and zooming around; perhaps I would be bored if it stopped too easily.

This is why I love ee cummings. His poetry isn't easy or predictable. It makes just enough sense, and after that, I make what I want of it. I think this poem excites me, too, because I get it. I really do.

And to my husband: "nobody,not even the rain,has such small hands"

Tonight, I'm going to eat some ice cream, work on some photos, and hang out with my blue-eyed boy (my dog). Housband will be out of town at a soccer game, so we're partying on our own. How's THAT for a Tuesday night?

Speaking of the Times...

2010-03-26T16:01:00.003-06:00

Have you ever heard of Maira Kalman? This last year, she wrote a column each month for The New York Times, mostly political stuff... but more like musings on politics and politicians and their lives, rather than political opinions or writings on current affairs. She's also an artist and did illustrations for The Elements of Style by Strunk & White, which is a friend to all those who love grammar.

July of 2008, my husband and I took a trip to Las Vegas. I bought her book, The Principles of Uncertainty, and saved it for the trip. I had to ration it out (!!) because I knew if I let myself sit with it too long, I'd read it all in one sitting. It's not particularly heavy reading; there's a lot of illustrations, which she does fabulously, and musings about life in general. It's a delicious book with paintings, ideas, drawings and quirky ideas... and this could be weird to admit, but I love how much the book weighs--it's kind of heavy--and how it smells. I guess that's how you know you're a true book lover.

An illustration of a room within the White House. Image from here.

Anyway, like I said, none of the topics she writes about are heavy-handed or persuasive... She just sort of IS, and writes about things as they come to her. She has a book coming out about her "Pursuit of Happiness" blog, about which I am SO excited.

I guess you could call her writing a folksy "slice of life." Her work just makes me smile and feel happy, even when the subject about which she's writing isn't even very jubilous (I just made that word up) or maybe even sad.

AND her blog is connected to the NY Times website... big stuff, yes? I love her illustrations, her handwriting, her ideas... it's thoughtful and a fun read. You know, if you like that kind of stuff.

So, to recap: The Times = Good. Maira Kalman = Awesome. The Times + Maira Kalman = Goodness that cannot be destroyed, even by robots.

Also: I was going to share something with you, but I cannot find it on the Internets. I've had this particular thing stuck in my mind for several days, so until I can find it, you'll just have to wait... which is a bummer. Because it's totally great. Trust me.

The Times

2010-03-25T15:35:00.002-06:00

When my husband and I were both in college and dating (each other), we'd meet up on Tuesdays and Thursdays in the late morning to have donuts in the hub (common area in our student center). I grew to love that time with him, looking forward to eating sweets (I have a horrible, horrible sweet tooth and I wish I could say I dislike it, but... I love treats) and talking with him.

We'd find a booth and sit together, chat about our days or plans together or separately. Often I'd ask him if we could have an adventure, and he'd begin to plot things like acting like pirates or finding treasure or plundering.

Sometimes, a previous person at the booth where we'd sit would leave a copy of The New York Times. On days like that, we'd spend time looking through the different sections and articles and cultures included within such a small but expansive newspaper.

It makes me wish our local newspaper would try harder, but then again, we do live in a city quite (QUITE) a bit smaller than NYC.

Today, I read this article about Wendy Burden, a descendant of the Vanderbilts. It's kind of interesting to get a little snippet about her life--I love human interest stories. They also talk a little bit about her memoir, which sounds pretty interesting... I like windows into other people's lives, don't you? I guess that's why memoirs are so popular.

I think if I ever subscribe to a newspaper, it'll probably be that one. Because you know what? The Times is good. It's real good.

Wendy Burden's home. Top: Dining area, bottom: the outside. Images from here.

Also, I love the exterior of her home.

I have something else to share with you guys, and if I can track down the video, I'll share it later!

Last thing for the evening:

2010-03-24T00:15:00.000-06:00

Ellen commented on my last post and told me to get over myself.

She's totally right.

But I also wanted to say that it's rare for me to post such an open complaint on my blog, so just remember: I'm a person, too. I may be jealous or insecure or whatever else, and I'm totally aware of that. I thought maybe it would be ok to complain about one thing that's bugging me--not even my world is always rosy--but I guess that's when you get a bit of a wake up call. You whine, people get annoyed. Can't say I wasn't expecting it.

(And Ellen, if you read this, I really do appreciate your comment. Though it stung me a bit, it was good to hear someone's input that I don't know personally. I responded to your comment, but I stand by my wedding photography comment... And if you read my response to your comments, you'll see why. Traditional portraiture isn't that exciting to me, which is perhaps why you thought my stuff is uninspiring and something anyone can do? That's ok, it just means I have work to do.)

Don't know that I'll keep these posts up--they weren't that well-thought out, and I probably should have just kept them to myself.

Also:

2010-03-23T22:59:00.004-06:00

Did I mention that having this headache makes me super ornery?

Just so you know, there are only around 3 blogs which annoy me, and none of them are people I know in real life, and all of them live in Utah... And are "photographers."

Also, I do like a lot of photographers in Utah. I just hate the Utah photography market and how trendy it is to pick up a camera and start a business because it makes it that much harder for those of us who actually really love it to do anything with it, because they do it cheaper and they do it trendy-er, which is what everyone wants, I guess.

I guess what I'm trying to say is: I'm frustrated by a lot of things lately, but number one is mostly photography.

I'm trying to figure myself out. I used to dream of attending graduate school, but I'm not sure I want to do that anymore. It's kind of scary living with no ultimate dream beyond having a family someday and having no immediate plan for what to do with myself... I kind of always thought my life was leading me to photography, but I'm not so sure of that anymore.

Mostly, I've been thinking about it a lot, and I'm not that sure I want to be part of the photography industry. To tell you the truth, I don't really like it. It feels as though everyone hints that in order to be good or respected, you should shoot weddings. I hate weddings. Or, you should shoot and do a ton of actions and effects afterward to make life look positively ideal and flawless. I want to photograph kids, babies, pets, and fun fine art portraits. I want to photograph real life as it is. I guess along the way, I've forgotten that. Wedding photography does not inspire me. Elliott Erwitt inspires me. Photographers who photograph for photography and not money's sake inspire me.

I'm not very sorry for so many rants tonight, but I've felt a lot of anger lately and I think it helps me to get it out somehow.

Maybe soon my headache will go away.

Just thinking

2010-03-23T19:43:00.000-06:00

I would now like to present you with a list of things that make me unhappy:

1. Wedding blogs
2. Wedding photographers
3. The majority of photographers in Utah
4. Reading blogs
5. Comparing myself to other people
6. Shooting weddings
7. Working late
8. Being hungry
9. Headaches
10. Unrealistic people
11. Opinions about politics on facebook statuses

Now I would like to present you with a list of things, as a contrast, that make me happy:

1. Ignoring wedding blogs
2. Shutting myself off from wedding photographers
3. Ignoring other photographers and shooting for myself
4. Slimming down my blog reading list & blog reading amount (so if I haven't commented lately, it's probably because of this)
5. Living in the moment, forgetting about everyone else and living for me, and also? Not reading blogs whose writers irritate me... will not name names.
6. Not shooting weddings
7. Changing my work schedule
8. Grilled pork chops and corn on the cob, potato rolls and eclairs for dinner & dessert last night
9. Drinking more water
10. My friends
11. Reading about politics from reputable sources and making my own opinions, and keeping my mouth shut instead of arguing with other people (not that I would anyway, but sometimes it takes a lot of restraint)

I think I know now what changes I need to make.

enter the sky

2012! 2012!

A bunch of GIRLS!

This is real. This is really real.

A conversation at home.

Life and all about it, lately.

Coming soon to a theater near you...

The real story, part 3.

I need you so much closer

Once upon a time,

Oh, hi, September.

I am having just the best day.

Sewing machine!

Updated shop!

I start preschool tomorrow.

A very strange week.

Often, I feel this way about my life.

Tweet-le dee

Tired

Hey YOU GUYS!

Popular

WHAT am I still doing here?

It is 2:43 a.m.

Someone needs to say it.

Leading me.

So, anyways.

3 things:

Miss Peggy lives for a day

Park City & the weekend

Joo-ly, you're a hot, mean one.

Happy 4th of Joo-ly.

Once upon a time,

This side of paradise

Two canadians, a swede, the housband, and me.

In life and bad news,

One Sunday, many, many years ago,

In between all the muck of life

Dear this-time-of-the-morning,

Boo-freaking-yah.

Bagsy Blue Co. makes....

On Friday,

I took the dogs on another walk!

Tonight,

I have a declaration to make:

My pockets are like clouds, white and fluffy.

I can ride my bike with no handlebars.

Fabric flowers! Huzzah!

I don't care what you say:

I was just thinking

I think I will always remember.

Olo, Spring.

Year 3.

Oh, hey.

Going rogue; or, why does my body hate me?

It's finally past the middle of January.

Resolutions

I began the New Year

Happy Christmas Adam

Also,

Things, or something like that, about today

I think I'm broken;

Life and things about it.

Things you didn't know about me;

Walking

Bliggity

Vagueness is for hosers.

Today.

Spam

Hey-o, October

Hey, Alanis.

Last night,

Apparently, mosquitoes love my feet.

I have NOT

So. Let's talk.

I keep thinking

Photo news!

I like this. This is my life lately.

The good news is

It's a little sad

So.