Friday, November 30, 2012

Things I think

I think, sometimes, I'm a little shy about writing here anymore. Which is so weird, because it's my blog?

But I've been "shrinking" myself a lot lately, and I've realized: wow, I'm a huge pushover. I definitely let other people's voices and opinions and ideas bowl mine over and I tend to just go with it.

Well... I'm trying not to do that so much anymore. Mostly because while I'm a pretty laid-back person, I've begun to realize it's also okay to have opinions or feel angry about things or strongly about things.

I'm still working on embracing that, however.

Anyway, life is pretty good. I have day-to-day things which bother me, but doesn't everyone? My babies are hilarious and cute and are these little people who just terrify me because I had no idea they would be such fantastic human beings. And how in the world am I supposed to raise them to be good when they're just these astonishingly innocent, beautiful girls and I'm so flawed? I often think about things I'll tell them when they're older, things I wish someone might have told me when I was growing up, like you don't need to feel bad about this, or guilty about this, and this is important... that's vague, I know. My mother did a really good job raising me, I feel. I often just need more reassurance about things than you might think is reasonable.

Sometimes I forget my babies are still babies because I interact with them so much and they respond to me now (as opposed to the days when, you know, they just used to lie there and look at me, though those times were wonderful, too). They've never really been big binky babies, but Ruby has lately been taking hers a little again and I have this moment regularly where I think, oh yeah, she is still a baby!  I miss having snuggly newborns, but I do not miss the lack of sleep and feeling like I had to stare at them every second just in case.

Although I still struggle with the whole mom-guilt thing, to be honest. But as a person, I generally feel guilty about things whether they're truly my fault or not. So clearly that's going to carry over into mothering as well.

Lately, I've taken up jogging. Or, realistically, walk/jogging. I go with Bagheera in the mornings a few times a week, and sometimes I drag Bert along. Today, I had to pick Bert up and carry him for like 20 feet because he wouldn't even go at all. At one point, he stopped dead in the middle of a crosswalk and wouldn't go, but we worked that out because I'm much bigger than him, holy cow.

ANYway, my point is that I've kind of begun to look forward to these jogs. As a mother and person who lives with her in-laws, I don't get out much. Several reasons why: my twins are a little too little to go play at activity places, I like them to nap at home, I'm a homebody, where we live doesn't have THAT many places to walk around and window shop (I covered all that in probably less than a couple weeks), and window shopping all the time without money is not all that fun after a while. So. We stay home. And I jog. And I get fired up about stuff and I get closure about things and I think of new ideas. It's refreshing. Plus, I'm trying to get healthier because I've heard that's good for you.

Sometimes when people ask me how old my girls are, I hear myself tell them and then think it's someone else because there's just no way they're almost 8 months old.  HOW did that happen?

Also, my housband will be done with school in the spring.  And then we'll be who knows where.  The not-knowing drives me crazy, but I'm also really excited. 

I sometimes read my old posts on this blog, like from when I first began writing here, and I think... oh geez.  But then the other day, I read a blog I used to write when I was senior in high school and I thought OH GEEZ.  I am such a weirdo.  An age-appropriate weirdo, but a weirdo, nonetheless. (Meaning the things I wrote probably fit with other people that age, but now I don't write like that anymore, thankgoodness.)  It made me miss the times when I was in college and the times when I was in high school and just beginning to wonder what I'd do with my life.  And then I remember that motherhood isn't the end-all, be-all of things, that there's so much more to me than just being a mother... though motherhood is one of my favorite things so far in life.

I miss decorating and organizing and cleaning my own place.  I'm excited to get that back and then I'm going to go nuts.   And probably get rid of a ton of my old stuff that's been sitting there doing nothing.  Ha....

My girls are already fighting over toys.  And pulling hair.  In Emmy's defense, though, Ruby's hair is really long and probably fun to pull.  I wouldn't know; I haven't pulled it. 

Maybe eventually I will write more cohesive and less random posts. TA-DA!


Lauren said...

hi ash! this was the perfect post to read at 1:30am while enjoying some peppermint ice cream... am i crazy??? YES! but thank you for this post. you are so sweet and thoughtful.

first of all, i love your honesty. it's so endearing. oh ash, how i can relate to your occasional feelings of inadequacy (your comment about raising your girls). i am not even a mother yet, nor close to it, and i get so worried about how am i going to be the mother i want to be (perfect!)??? AND what's happening right now for me is i occasionally worry about being the best wife i can be. i married an amazing man (you'd know, he is your brother) and he is constantly inspiring me in everything that he does that it is also easy to feel inadequate through all of my shortcomings. but luckily for me, he is super understanding and patient. anyway ash, i haven't been around much (oh wow, actually only once- we must change that) since the twins have been born and i just know that you are a fantastic mother. you can see it in their eyes! and just knowing what i know about you, i have no doubt!

i can never get enough of all of your pictures of these two! they are tremendously gorgeous! and oh so perfect! way to go you two (i have to give some credit to josh)!!!

i've been enjoying my workouts more when i watch tv shows. my selection on aa's ipod is dwindling as i've watched all the how i met your mother, modern family, and scrubs at least twice/thrice... however, i have become hugely into studio 60. and honestly knowing i can watch an episode while i am working out totally motivates me.

your writing CRACKS me up! here is why:

"but we worked that out because i'm much bigger than him, holy cow."

"i'm excited to get that back and then i'm going to go nuts."

"in emmy's defense, though, ruby's hair is really long and probably fun to pull."

love you ash! ( INEEDTOGOTOBEDNOW!)

Micaela said...

look at those beautiful eyes!!!

ashley, you guys make gorgeous babies, that's for sure.

It's an extra joy to see your girls because as a twin, I just know that your girls are lucky to have their best friend with them always. There is nothing like it!

ps. you left a comment complimenting my baby girl and it meant a lot to me, i want you to know. I think of you often (that sounds so weird but i said it ha) and you mentioned your old posts. I remember a comment I left on one of your old posts, about loving someone I had left and eating chinese food in my "new life" with someone else. Gosh, i can't remember it exactly but i do remember leaving it for you. Thinking I could trust thinking out loud on your blog because it felt okay to do so.

I remember how fragile/raw i felt then...

and I can't help but think how far my life (and me as a person) has come.

But moreso, how if I hadn't chosen to stay with the man who left me chinese takeout so I wouldn't starve when i got out of work (he was already asleep because he worked early mornings) ...

I wouldn't have this beautiful baby girl i love with all my heart. And that is the saddest thought of all.

I am exactly where I was meant to be.

hows that for random commenting? TA-DA! ;)
you probably don't even remember the comment i am talking about ha! (and that's okay) thank-you for letting me ramble.