On living

So, we found a place to live.  All along in our search, I kept thinking back to what my friend Liz said on a previous post, that maybe we just hadn't found "our" place.  I really think that's it--because though we haven't seen this one in person, it seems like it'll be perfect for us.  I'm so excited. 

And, it's in Provo.  I'm a little nervous, mostly because I don't really love BYU (sorry.) and fanatic BYU fans (sorry.).  But I know good people are everywhere, I know there's a lot of fun things in and around Provo, and my sister lives 15-20 minutes one way and my brother about 25-30 minutes the other. 

We're excited.

I'm excited to get all my stuff out, sort through it, and live more simply.  Also?  I'm excited to sort out my mental space.  I feel like I've had this inner turmoil for a while, and part of it I know for sure is because I have anxiety.  Though most of the time I'm just fine, for the last little while I've begun to realize that I wasn't really fine.  Thankfully, I'm coming out of a difficult period and I feel as though things are beginning to look up; sometimes I hesitate writing about real and difficult things because it doesn't often seem like there's room for it in the world of perfect, happy, golden blogging, but that's real life and I think there's value and meaning in remembering even difficult times.  Regardless, I'm doing a lot better than I was, and I'm grateful for it.

I think part of it, too, is that I'm still trying to figure out my identity as a stay-at-home mom, and a mom in general.  I see certain ways I do things and want to change them.  But the thing I've recently realized in the last year is this:  if I don't like something, change it! 

For example, I used to never pick up my dogs' poop.  Yep.  Never.  Just didn't worry about it on walks.  And now I have no idea why because the idea horrifies me, and I'm pretty sure if I were a homeowner without a dog (or even with a dog), I'd probably be preeeeettttttty put out that a dog pooped on my lawn.  So one day, I got depressed about it.  I thought, oh man, I'm a terrible person who doesn't pick up their dogs' poop and I don't smile and say good morning to people on my jogs and I don't do this etc. etc. etc.  BUT THEN.  Then, one day, I thought, why not?  Why can't I do those things? 

So, every jog, I started bringing bags to pick up my dog's poop.  And I passed some people on the sidewalk, and though it's kind of outside my comfort zone, I smiled and said good morning.  And!  It felt awkward--not picking up the poop... Ok, ok, that's awkward, but it's a must-do thing--but smiling and saying hello felt really super good.

I guess what I'm trying to say is this:

Hi.  I'm Ashley, almost 27 years old, and I'm still working on becoming better, doing better, and figuring myself out.  Also, I'm moving really soon and I'd like to make some friends.  So if you know anyone who would be a good friend, I'm accepting applications as of now. (Ha!)

Lastly, my girls turned one on Saturday, and maybe sometime I'll write about that a bit more.  It's bittersweet because I can't believe they're not tiny newborns anymore, but they're just so fun, sweet and tender little girls.  I love them so, so much.  They look just like their daddy... so I guess it's a good thing I love him, too. 

It's a good life.

5 years

OHMYGOODNESS.  We've been married 5 years.  Time has flown, everybody!

In the tradition of the day, here's what happened in the last year for us:

• Added two (2!) children.  Never thought five years ago that in five years, we'd have two kids.  
• Lost a lot of sleep due to the amount of children we had at one time.  
• Realized having kids is NUTS.  Awesome, but nuts. 

• Basically bummed around our families' houses.  (My in-laws' place, my mom's place, a hotel, then back to the in-laws').
• Lived in a hotel from June through August.  Became buddies with the maids.  
• Made some really good friends in Elko, and then proceeded to miss them every day since we've been back.
• Kept our two dogs.  (Though sometimes I wanted to strangle them, and other times I wanted to smooch them.  So I guess the fact that we kept them is a milestone, eh?)

•  Sold a jeep, bought a truck, went to Vegas to pick it up.  (THAT was an adventure I didn't write about... let's just say:  it was an adventure.  An adventure that maybe shouldn't ever be repeated.)

• Quit a few jobs (two for me, one for my housband)
• Began a few jobs (one for me, kinda!, two for my housband)
• Got a real-life, grown-up job offer! (I guess we're adults now!)

• Went through some really hard things with my family.
• Survived anyway. 

• Jogged lots of miles
• Biked lots of miles
•  Lost almost 40 pounds (one of us... ahem).
• Worked on becoming better human beings

I really think this has been one of the hardest years we've had yet, for a myriad of reasons.  I was reading somewhere recently that someone wrote that after having a baby, she and her husband attended therapy because having children is something like taking a good thing and throwing a bomb in it.  Haha!  I can see what they meant. 

Our girls have completely enriched our lives... they are such a source of joy for us. 

Anyway, this year's been tough.  But, it's also been really, really good.  Here's to the next five years!

The search is on...

Well, we're looking for places to rent.  It's been... interesting.  And frustrating.  I have ideas in my head of where and in what I'd like to live, but it seems as though my wallet doesn't agree.  So, we keep going back to the drawing board. 

We were kind of excited about the prospect of buying a place, but the area in which we could live--anywhere from central Salt Lake to Provo, essentially--is too big, and we'd probably only be able to afford a town house, which don't tend to hold their value as well as a home.  So... here we go again!

And then there's this:  we're not moving until May.  I'm excited, my housband's excited, but excitement leads to frustration when we find a place but can't pay rent on it while it sits empty for a month. 

I guess what's really happening is that we need to stop looking until April.

Nonetheless, I'd really like to live somewhere we won't get shot, have drug dealers for neighbors, and somewhere I won't have to leave my girls alone for lengthy periods of time to let my dogs out to go potty.  (And now you're thinking I'm an idiot for owning dogs... but you're not the only one!)

Anyway, if you have any tips of good, safe places to rent for around $850 a month in these areas, I'd appreciate it.  When it comes down to it, I've really only lived in Logan--which I'm realizing now is really, really small when you think about it--and Elko (but that was a hotel and that doesn't really count).  I guess what I'm saying is this:  I'm feeling a little lost, and kind of scared to move.  Don't get me wrong--I'm so, so excited. 

And just like Jessie Spano, I'm so, so scared.

We're moving!

We'll be a LOT closer to our hometown than we initially thought.  So, if you know of a good, pet-friendly and affordable place to rent in Utah county (or even up to the South/West Jordan area!) please let me know!  We're open to suggestions... and so excited.

Back in August,

or really anytime before the girls were born and shortly after, people would tell me this:  the first year is a blur.  You're going to be tired, and you're not going to remember much after the year is over.

It was sort of one of those yadda yadda yadda things:  I heard them, but I didn't really think much of it.

Then we spent the first 7 weeks of their lives at my mom's house, trying to survive and thrive on operating with such little sleep.  THEN we lived in a hotel in Elko, and I tried to figure out how in the world to care for two infants largely on my own... and it was a struggle.

That time in Elko is now a huge blur to me--luckily, I remember the best parts and try to forget the rest, like that guy who was smoking in our hallway the night we arrived... oh dear.  We had dinner every night at our friends' house--they were so gracious to have us over pretty much every night of the week, which was a great help!  When you only have a microfridge (that would be a fridge and microwave in one, and yes, they're bolted together in case you were wondering, and no, not very spacious, and yes, the fridge freezes most everything, and no, the microwave is not full voltage so if you wanted to cook that chicken pot pie you might want to add on about twice as much cook time, just saying), friends who have you over for dinner is a lifesaver.

So then I got sort of obsessed with the passage of time, because it really, honestly, truly flies.  It does!  If anything, my housband and I have agreed that now that we have kids, we notice just how quickly time is flying by--which never used to be a thing of real concern or note.

When I got home and moved back in with the in-laws, I decided something:  I was going to write in a journal (or blog) EVERY SINGLE DAY.  Because I realized I already didn't know when certain things had happened over the summer, and I could really only guesstimate.  The idea of forgetting drives me absolutely, absolutely nuts.  I like to think I have a great memory, but it isn't what it used to be, what with everything going on all the time with my girls.

So I began the blog.  It was September 4 of last year.  And it's definitely not perfect, and I definitely don't write every day.  But I write something about every day, even if I have to catch up with a week's worth of days (which I hate doing, but I do nonetheless).

Time is flying by.  I can't remember much, but I will now know when the girls cut their first tooth, when they both began to crawl and stand, what their funny quirks are, the things I've been going through--and I love that.  I freak out when I think about forgetting even the littlest of things.

I made a goal to keep going until their 1st birthday, but after that, all bets are off.  I'd like to say I'll keep going, but I don't know that I will.  It matters to me that I did this, though, and that I'll always have that record, even if it wasn't perfect and it'll probably never get seen by anyone but me.  I'm ok with that.  Do you do this?  Am I completely neurotic?

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On a sort of related note, today I sent off my first custom ordered bouquet from my flower shop.  If you've read my blog for a while, you might remember that I made a bunch of flowers before I knew I was expecting my girls and sold them in my shop for a bit.  Recently I decided to give it another go, and it's going really well!  I'm excited and have more products coming hopefully soon, but as of now, I'm selling flowers in arrangements for decoration and bridal bouquets here:  http://etsy.com/shop/bagsyblueco.  Come see me, won't you?

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Also, I have some news.  My housband has gotten a job.  And we are moving.  And it's not to where you probably think we are moving, based on our summer experience.  I will tell you soon! Stay tuned for the HUGE reveal!!!

A little while ago,

I was in the car with my sister and brother-in-law.  Mid-January.  Anyway, my brother-in-law, driving, says, "It's officially past the middle of January."

And my sister says, "That means we have less of January to make it through than we've already had.  Then it's February which is just fun (it's fun, right? It's short). And then March, which is spring break and then we're basically HOME FREE!"

I had to laugh.  They're talking about winter.  I, personally, don't love winter because it really releases my inner neuroses.  I am horrified to drive any distance longer than a few miles in snow (because of a car accident we were in which just ruined me) and being cooped up inside isn't always my favorite thing, though I am a homebody.

Lately, we've just been staying home a ton.  Besides the snow storm which hit this weekend--which I kind of liked, actually, because at least we're not below zero in the middle of the day, AND there's something so charming about swirling snow--winter kinda stinks for those of us who are non-winter sports sort of people.  That, and my housband had to drive to Lehi (which, on a good day, is a little more than an hour and a half away) on Monday for a job interview.  Said drive took him FOUR HOURS.  So that was fun.

My favorite thing, though, and we're getting to the meat of it, is something my brother calls "the breath of spring."  Ah.  Spring.  I love it.  It's my favorite season.  The hope that abounds with spring is totally priceless.  And now you're wondering what it is, aren't you?

The breath of spring is an idea that, in the bleak mid-winter (yep, I just borrowed that), you capture a moment.  A moment, however fleeting--a snitch of blue sky, a little sun on your neck, a warm breeze--and it hits:  spring is coming.  Maybe not right now, not while the ice is so thick on the sidewalk it's a mini-rink, not when the snow is falling, falling, falling, and certainly not when you're uncovering your car of snow only to have it covered back up by the time you're done, but it's coming. 

Also?  I get a lot of emails every day.  I like to (window) shop online.  I just got this one from Old Navy telling me about a nice shirt I should probably (but won't) buy, and it also featured some lovely shoes.  Spring and summer shoes. 

THESE shoes.  And I remembered that sometimes there's weather that doesn't require pants and three jackets and gloves and hats. 

You guys.  It's coming.

In the meantime, I'm making a lot of flowers, bundling up in a blanket, watching movies, and turning up the heat. 

Homing

We're trying to figure out where we're going to live and all those delicious details when my housband graduates come May.  We have no idea.  At this point, we're going where the jobs are... which is... somewhere?

Anyway, we were having a conversation about owning a home.

I asked, "Are we going to buy a house?"

He answered, "Why wouldn't we?"

I love that.  I am SO excited to have a place to paint and decorate.


Another quick conversation:

I said, "I'm going to want our house to be nice.  NICE.  You know that, right?"
He said, "So what you're saying is, I'm going to be busy a lot of the time with stuff you give me to do."
"Yes."

You guys.  YOU. GUYS.  I'm so excited.

An image from a house for sale near mine.  I probably won't even live in this county, but I still like to look and dream.  Also, I have an aversion to tan walls.  So.