Things I think

I think, sometimes, I'm a little shy about writing here anymore. Which is so weird, because it's my blog?

But I've been "shrinking" myself a lot lately, and I've realized: wow, I'm a huge pushover. I definitely let other people's voices and opinions and ideas bowl mine over and I tend to just go with it.

Well... I'm trying not to do that so much anymore. Mostly because while I'm a pretty laid-back person, I've begun to realize it's also okay to have opinions or feel angry about things or strongly about things.

I'm still working on embracing that, however.

Anyway, life is pretty good. I have day-to-day things which bother me, but doesn't everyone? My babies are hilarious and cute and are these little people who just terrify me because I had no idea they would be such fantastic human beings. And how in the world am I supposed to raise them to be good when they're just these astonishingly innocent, beautiful girls and I'm so flawed? I often think about things I'll tell them when they're older, things I wish someone might have told me when I was growing up, like you don't need to feel bad about this, or guilty about this, and this is important... that's vague, I know. My mother did a really good job raising me, I feel. I often just need more reassurance about things than you might think is reasonable.

Sometimes I forget my babies are still babies because I interact with them so much and they respond to me now (as opposed to the days when, you know, they just used to lie there and look at me, though those times were wonderful, too). They've never really been big binky babies, but Ruby has lately been taking hers a little again and I have this moment regularly where I think, oh yeah, she is still a baby!  I miss having snuggly newborns, but I do not miss the lack of sleep and feeling like I had to stare at them every second just in case.

Although I still struggle with the whole mom-guilt thing, to be honest. But as a person, I generally feel guilty about things whether they're truly my fault or not. So clearly that's going to carry over into mothering as well.

Lately, I've taken up jogging. Or, realistically, walk/jogging. I go with Bagheera in the mornings a few times a week, and sometimes I drag Bert along. Today, I had to pick Bert up and carry him for like 20 feet because he wouldn't even go at all. At one point, he stopped dead in the middle of a crosswalk and wouldn't go, but we worked that out because I'm much bigger than him, holy cow.

ANYway, my point is that I've kind of begun to look forward to these jogs. As a mother and person who lives with her in-laws, I don't get out much. Several reasons why: my twins are a little too little to go play at activity places, I like them to nap at home, I'm a homebody, where we live doesn't have THAT many places to walk around and window shop (I covered all that in probably less than a couple weeks), and window shopping all the time without money is not all that fun after a while. So. We stay home. And I jog. And I get fired up about stuff and I get closure about things and I think of new ideas. It's refreshing. Plus, I'm trying to get healthier because I've heard that's good for you.

Sometimes when people ask me how old my girls are, I hear myself tell them and then think it's someone else because there's just no way they're almost 8 months old.  HOW did that happen?

Also, my housband will be done with school in the spring.  And then we'll be who knows where.  The not-knowing drives me crazy, but I'm also really excited. 

I sometimes read my old posts on this blog, like from when I first began writing here, and I think... oh geez.  But then the other day, I read a blog I used to write when I was senior in high school and I thought OH GEEZ.  I am such a weirdo.  An age-appropriate weirdo, but a weirdo, nonetheless. (Meaning the things I wrote probably fit with other people that age, but now I don't write like that anymore, thankgoodness.)  It made me miss the times when I was in college and the times when I was in high school and just beginning to wonder what I'd do with my life.  And then I remember that motherhood isn't the end-all, be-all of things, that there's so much more to me than just being a mother... though motherhood is one of my favorite things so far in life.

I miss decorating and organizing and cleaning my own place.  I'm excited to get that back and then I'm going to go nuts.   And probably get rid of a ton of my old stuff that's been sitting there doing nothing.  Ha....

My girls are already fighting over toys.  And pulling hair.  In Emmy's defense, though, Ruby's hair is really long and probably fun to pull.  I wouldn't know; I haven't pulled it. 

Maybe eventually I will write more cohesive and less random posts. TA-DA!

Life and all about it, lately.

I've been kind of a bad blogger, but truth be told, I feel ok about it, mostly because posting from my mobile telephone isn't the most pleasant experience.  (Because we don't have internet at home.) (And just got rid of cable television.)  (Hello, Siberia, it's nice to live here.)

But then I remember that I'll want to remember the ins and outs of life before we have two kids (holy cow, that still seems weird to me) and life will be totally different.

So, lately, we're watching a lot of movies.  We opted out of TV for budgetary reasons, but I've actually not really minded not having it.

Our heat went out about a week ago, and therefore I'm so SO grateful for a now-working furnace.  This has actually happened to us twice before in our current apartment, and the last time, it was the middle of winter.  We have two space heaters already, lucky for us, but they're not ideal--better that than nothing, though, because it's cold.  Our landlord called a guy and said it was a 5-minute fix; I guess there was a piece of plastic caught in it somewhere that made it not work properly?  I'm not completely sure, but after being admittedly quite grumpy since being pregnant, I was not too happy until I came home for lunch one day and there was heat.

Also fun:  I have some sort of weird bug bites on my leg.  I saw my doctor and a dermatologist last week and they're going away, but they've been here for 2-or-so weeks.  I debated writing about this at all here, but since I've completely stopped writing in my journal for now and, sad to say, this is the closest thing I have to a journal, I kinda want to remember the funny little things that seem to happen to me and NEVER ever not once to my housband--I guess I'm glad he's healthy.  (Sort of like how last winter I got a cough which may have cracked a rib, several colds in a row, bacterial laryngitis, then another cold with an ear infection--and he got nothing.  All winter.)  Anyway, the dermatologist thinks they're flea bites, but after having my dogs checked out and finding they're flea-free, I'm thinking they're probably not.  I originally thought they were hives due to being pretty stressed out about being my brother's wedding photographer/flying to San Francisco/flying while pregnant with twins, but they are not hives either!  So weird.

Oh yeah.  I went to San Francisco.  I've never been there before and didn't see too much of it, but it was absolutely beautiful, and I forgot what Utah winter was like, only to be rudely reminded upon leaving the airport in Salt Lake.  All of my siblings were at my brother's wedding, all of us in the Temple, but none of our spouses/kids came (except for my kids, I don't really have a choice right now).  It was a little weird without the hubbub of everyone, but strangely natural.  I kinda like those guys.  Their husbands/wives/kids are pretty cool, too, and I missed them.  But it was kind of cool to have the original 5 of us together.

I have a new photography website coming up, and I honestly think all my brain power is being swallowed by babies because I'm having the most difficult time of figuring out the most simple things, so it might be a little bit before I can get it up and going.  My photo blog is still kind of a thing, but again... no internet at home... kinda hard. 

Lastly, I'll leave you with two photos of my buddies.

Here's my housband holding the dogs (who were flailing wildly).  I'd like to say he doesn't carry the giant one around, but he kind of does.  (Don't tell him I told you.)  Also, he decided he and Bert are best friends around Thanksgiving, and Bert promptly forgot I existed and refused to acknowledge me at all.  So now Pedro* has begun to ignore Bert once again, and Bert likes me once more.  I'd be lying if I said I don't worry our kids will do the same.  (I semi-secretly wonder why everybody loves Pedro and thinks I'm boring?  Yeah Pedro's fun and all, children, adults, animals and everyone in between.  BUT WHAT ABOUT ME?)

(*Again, not his real name, it just gets difficult to not call my housband by a name, ok?)

And when we ride in the car, Bagheera gets tired and Bert decides to sit on him.  I don't know why.  Perhaps for a better view out the window?  Possibly.  The dog's not the brightest, but sometimes I wonder if he just acts dumb but secretly knows a lot of stuff.  Could be.

I'm about 18-19 weeks right now, and feeling pretty good.  I recently got a different kind of prenatal vitamins, but I think I'll switch back because these ones are making more nauseous than I've been the whole time I've been pregnant.  Oh, and about the 18-19 weeks thing?  I originally based how far along I am on the first-day-of-my-last-period thing, but then my doctor gave me a different due date, which is almost a week later than I originally thought, so I don't know which I am, really.  I generally think I'm 19 weeks (because twins come early, most often).  Is that weird?  Do you see how my brain is not working?

This is such a long blog post.  I'm so sorry about that.

So, anyways.

I did some squats yesterday, and now I can't walk too well today.  My feet are floppin like a sloppy horse's hooves.

On another note, I think I am going to go write a novel.  CAUSE THAT'S WHAT PEOPLE DO, RIGHT? I'm just kidding.  I'm not angry about it.  I miss writing.

I have made so many flowers in the last month, I forgot what it was like to NOT make flowers.  You just wait til you see them.  I love them.  I'd keep them all, but I think my housband might boycott our home.  I think I might also be a half-hoarder (not a hoarder to the extent that it's disgusting, but a hoarder to the extent that I have some real crap I should probably sell or get rid of, because I won't always have a whooooooole extra bedroom for my junk.)

I just got back a ton of film from my labs--I'm even still waiting on some!--and I have a ton of cool stuff coming up on my photog blog.  Check it OUT!

July is almost over.  I can't believe it.  It's FLOWN by.  JOOLY!  WHERE DID YOU GO?

Anyway, my life is the same old boring.  But boring is good though I guess.  At least it's not exciting in a horrible way.

Lastly, I'm including a photo of my by my housband.  Mostly because when I got them back, I thought they were cool!  He did a good job.  That dude is rad.  I love him.

I'm sorry about all the yelling.  I'm just real excited, ok?

I was just thinking

about my life and things in it.  And I realized this:  right now, my life is as far from perfect as I could have ever imagined.  With the exception of divorce, I guess. Getting a divorce from my hubby would suck pretty bad, so at least it's not anything with him.  He is and will always continue to be my center, and I love him for that. 

So things are hard.  And yet, I am doing ok.  I think you don't realize how strong you can be until you have to be, which is how it is for me and my family, I think.

I'm not going to go into details, but I feel it would be disingenuous if I didn't at least say that there's a reason why I haven't written.  Actually, there are several reasons for it, some of which I feel it's just not really anyone's business.  Secondly, most of it is not mine to write, and I feel strongly it's not my place to write about it though it does affect me pretty much every day.

It's interesting that when you have a trial in your life, there's so much more width to it than just the thing that's hard.  Yes, really difficult things are happening, but it's not my entire life.  I still have such a good and dashing husband, two dogs who continue to give me great company, brothers and sisters and in-laws and parents who are, when it comes down to the bones of it, the most fantastic people.  The trees are still blooming and becoming green, and I still have a really orange bike.  I'm kind of crazy about that really orange bike.  Plus, I am getting better at drawing, and I have hope that summer will come eventually, though it may not feel like it now.

And yet, there's still this thing looming over my head.

I think the thing that has stuck with me and surprised me most is this:  when you have a situation like this one, you realize people's true goodness, and, unfortunately, badness.  I have received so much kindness from people, and though I'd rather all of this wouldn't have happened at all, I am so grateful to work with and know so many people who are understanding, loving and so non-judgmental.  I will forever appreciate that, and it's honestly kept me going on days I've felt the lowest I could feel.  It's also reminded me that life goes on, though it feels as if it's on pause in the worst parts sometimes.  On the other hand, I've come to see such ugliness in others about which I have been really disappointed.  It's really made me consider who I call a friend and what qualities should be most important to me in my friends and people with whom I associate.  It's taught me a lot about the sort of person I would like to be, and I know I have a long way to go, but still, the goal is there.

This last weekend, I photographed a wedding.  I know!  Me!  A wedding!  (You may remember the controversy from here, here, and here.)  I have to say that it was a delightful affair, though I had so much anxiety about it that I felt like throwing up.  (Hi!  I have anxiety.  SURPRISE!  But it's much worse when it comes to photos, and even worse when I'm photographing someone's wedding.  Cause of all those special moments and such.)

ANYwho, I photographed this wedding, and I was thinking about those three posts I wrote really late at night in a moment of psychosis.  (Not really, but it feels like it in retrospect.)  I realize that this is my blog, but even now, in the middle of some of the hardest things I've ever been through in my life, I wouldn't go back to feeling that way.  At the time, I was trying to make photography a second and then hopefully, eventually, my main source of income, and I have since realized that it's not supposed to be that for me.  Magically, I started to hate it less, along with resenting other photographers less.  I am somewhat embarrassed about writing such hateful things, particularly things about a general group of people that I've never met, but then again, you never grow if you don't own up to your mistakes.  The bulk of it came from ideas of:  why is this working out for everyone else and not me?  I've since gotten a second job that's changed my life and I know things were supposed to turn out this way for a reason.  If the full-time photography thing would have worked out, I wouldn't have this and I wouldn't trade working with these little people for anything.  Plus, part-time photography is nice.  I do it mostly for me, sometimes for other people, and the pressure's off, which gives me fewer headaches and more good times. 

So, I photographed this wedding, and it was really nice to be able to photograph a wedding.  I've realized I don't hate wedding photography or wedding photographers; though weddings aren't my favorite thing to photograph, it's fun to be a part of someone's big party.

With everything going on right now, I have learned that not only should I not care about what other people think, but I NEED to not care.  Caring about what other people think just takes up way too much damn time and effort that I don't have.  I've been too self-conscious for too long, and it's time to let go of that.  I'm going to keep working on it--change takes time--but I'm tired of worrying what so-and-so will think of this or that. 

I've thought a lot about what to write on my little ol' blog.... because writing is my best and brightest outlet, and it probably always will be.  But on this thing, I have just struggled.  I don't know what to say.  But just know that the thought is there.

I hope to be writing more in the next little while.  If there's anyone out there who still reads this thing:  thanks for reading.  A lot of this writing is just for me, but it you're reading and you read the whole thing:  you rule.  Thanks for being my blog friends.

Last night,

I ran over Bert with my bike.  Don't worry--I didn't do it on purpose, and he's just fine.  Nonetheless, it scared the crap out of me and I'm still traumatized.  I think, however, he is fine--he was hopping around like nothing happened directly after THE INCIDENT. 

August is well on its way, and every year I'm surprised by how pleasant it actually is, because for a few years it was less than ideal.  Probably because it's hot and school is beginning (and now without me in it), and there's not a lot to which I can look forward. 

But I've noticed something since being out of school; life is a bit more steady and has fewer ups and downs in the sense that I know, generally, what my days will be like.  Plus, I can make a lot more plans and actually follow through with them.  The other day, I wanted to work on a certain art project and I thought, why not now?  So I did it.  Then I was at Bear Lake the other day and I wanted to go deeper, so I left Bagheera with my husband (Bert was already drying off) and went deeper, catching waves and letting them carry me closer to shore with each pull.  I suppose that was sort of unrelated, but I think I've had a better attitude since getting a feel for my free time.

I'm feeling a lot of carpe diem feelings lately, and I quite like it.  Perhaps I'll start doing yoga or something.  (Truthfully, it sounds great in theory, but I can't seem to get the breathing and stretching in sync... Coordination isn't my forte.)  I've had numerous dreams lately about getting back into tennis-playing shape, so maybe I'll do that. 

And if nothing else, the sky is a wonderful blue lately, I've taken lots of photos, I drive around with the windows down, the grass is extra green, and I have two dogs and a husband. 

So, life is good. 

Apparently, mosquitoes love my feet.

Also, this is my newest friend.  His name is Bert.  He is hilarious, and also has these little eyes that melt me.  Plus he is so happy.

And you already know this dude. He's still pretty great.

So, the thing about photography for me lately is that it comes with a LOT of rejection.  Most of which I was generally not prepared for when I decided to do this.  I go through ups and downs because it's hard to get business these days when the market is so saturated... and then I take it personally.  (When I shouldn't, I know I shouldn't, but we all know I overthink things.)  This is not to say that everyone's going to bad photographers or I'm better than anyone else, because that's completely false.  The problem is that there are so many good photographers, and so many who sell themselves short--especially pricing wise--but that's another post entirely.  It's kind of crazy. 

Anyway, I go through weird cycles of being lonely and feeling sort of inept to having so much joy I don't know how to contain it.  I guess I can say I have been extremely happy shooting film--it's so much less work, more of the fun stuff (ie taking the photos), and I actually get to spend time with my husband and dog(s) rather than my computer.  It costs money, but time is money in a way, isn't it?  There's a reason why that's a cliche.

This summer's almost over and I don't feel ready for it to end.  I'm never quite ready to stare winter in the face, mostly because it's been particularly difficult since graduating college and being a "grown up."  I'm outside far less, and I think one of my greatest happinesses is just BEING outside.  I don't even care to do anything out there... I just like to be outside.  Staring through a window isn't quite the same.

Life sort of feels as though it's in fast forward lately, and as much as I want to say I'm prepared for it, I don't know that I am.  The things I hold most true to are still the same:  my husband, my family, finding and keeping happiness, figuring out ways to be most happy, reexamining my beliefs and finding ways to grow them.  Some guy at the dog park was talking about certain people in Africa whose IQ's are around the 70s range (which is to say, really low).  And I caught myself thinking, so what?  If they're happy then so what?  Sometimes I wish I knew less of the world. It often frightens me because it's so huge and out of control and at the same time, everything is so beautiful in a sad way.  I try not to think about it too much... it makes my head feel dizzy independently of my body.

I feel like I write a lot of tangential posts lately... I've been stuck in my head a lot. This is all to say, I am now accepting applications for a female best friend position.  My other best friends are A).  across the country (that goes for two of them) or B).  too busy doing their own thing or C). I am married to them (which is ok but it's nice to have female companionship).  Any takers?

The good news is

I learn more about myself all the time.

For example? 

Today I re-learned that driving a long(er) distance (than around town) alone isn't bad.  Shocker for those who (really) know me.  And that it means I can listen to whatever music I want and skip songs I don't want, and I sing along as loud as I want.  Even if it looks funny.  I recommend these songs for singing along as loud as your vocal cords allow: 

"Kissing the Lipless" - The Shins
"Am I Wrong" - Love Spit Love
"A Lack of Color" - Death Cab for Cutie

I'm sure there are others, but I can't think of them right this second.  Also, the CDs playing in my car today were from mixes I made when I was 18 and 19.  I was a cool kid.  I still like those mixes, big time.

Secondly, I re-learned today that wearing makeup is sometimes more of a hassle than it's worth.  I like rinsing my face mid-day, mostly because it's so hot outside.  And today, having no makeup on = awesome.  No makeup on my hand towel.  And plus who cares.

Lately, I'm trying to figure out what to do with my life.  I already have two things down:  wife and dog owner.  (That and daughter, sister, aunt, stepsister, granddaughter, etc., etc.)  Beyond that, I'm an open book.  Any suggestions? I have several options in mind:  grad school student, nanny, dog walker, artist.  Now it's your turn for some ideas. 

Happy Monday to all my friends in blogland.  And real land.

Whatchoo talkin bout, Willis?

So. I subscribed to a feed which shows me what people are googling. It's interesting, really. I think I was expecting more porn, but I'm pleased to say there's actually not any of that (besides Kendra Wilkinson's recent situation). But we won't go into that; I have no interest in porn, but if you do, perhaps you ought to check that out instead of my little ol' blog.

ANYway, what I came here to talk about is tonight's most googled phrase: Tom Cruise is dead. At first, I was slightly concerned about the crazy couch-jumper, but I've done a bit of research and found that it's not truth, and he will live to parent Suri another day.

Also interesting: Gary Coleman was on the list because he was hospitalized today. Come to find out, his wife has the exact name of my mother-in-law, but spelled very differently. Get well soon, Gary.

I've been working on something really hard the last little while, which is why I've been absent. But don't you worry: I'm still here, I still have a husband and a dog, and I'm still riding my bike around. It's a good life.

Coming up next: a blog post revealing why I am, in reality, an old lady. Also, a post about my favorite artists of late. Stay tuned.

Toodle-loo.

I love you much,most beautiful darling

One of my favorite things to do is nothing.

Let me explain.

I remember Saturdays when I was growing up where I'd have certain jobs (or chores, whatever you call them), and I'd take my time doing them. My mom would turn on the radio and sing along to the "oldies" playing which were popular during the time she was in middle school and high school. Sometimes I can still hear her hum and sing along, her slippered feet shuffling along the carpet...that was a large part of my childhood. I remember one particular Saturday, I sat in my bedroom, silent on my bed. I thought and thought and thought about places or things or ideas to which my mind wandered. Then I'd retrace my thought process to remember how I got there, back and forth, like a toy train on the track of my mind. Sometimes I thought those days of growing up would never end. (I was really wrong.)

I remember specifically the afternoon light in my room that day, how it was soft and bright, perfect for pondering. I loved that room. It was perfect for naps, thinking, bedtime, having my dog sleep at the foot of my bed instead of sleeping in the laundry room. That day, I remember listening to my mom's slippered feet gathering static as she hummed, cleaning and putting things away. My room was probably messy, and I was probably avoiding cleaning it. But I remember giving myself time to work my thoughts out, and how it felt important to me, even if it wasn't in reality.

Sometimes I still ponder like this; I remember living with roommates, I came home one day and opened up my bedroom window and felt the mid-March chill. I lied in bed on my polka-dotted sheets and thought about my life until I fell asleep. A few weeks ago, I was cleaning our spare room and momentarily took a break. I was on my back on the floor, listening to music and thought about anything and everything, sorting my life's laundry in my brain's compartments.

Today, it snowed. All day. At first, I was disappointed because I was wearing flats, a jacket, a tshirt and jeans. I especially hated it after brushing my car off and my feet were damp and cold. But tonight, I noticed the trees hanging low with the weight of snow. And how the sky was that peculiar grey it becomes on snowy nights. I noticed it resting on chain-link fences, and I thought to myself, I don't hate this weather. I don't know of many more romantic things than the way the world looks at night while it's snowing.

It seems that lately, I have a bad attitude about certain things in my life. I try to change, but it's extremely difficult. And you know what else? My back hurts a lot. But that's nothing new, just an old annoyance. I find myself irritated at the same old things, and yet I know that the only thing I know for certain I can change is myself.

And the truth is, each and every single night, I go to bed, grateful for what I have. I'm grateful to know what I know, to have a couple of best friends with whom I live. I'm even grateful for the girl scout cookies in the cupboard about which my husband forgot.

I know I write about the same junk all the time. But more than anything else, I need these reminders for myself that life is good. It's not always easy, simple, or glamorous, but it's real, and good.

I am a worrier by nature. So I'll leave you with a question: how do you get your mind to relax? I don't always have the time or energy to let my mind wander anymore. Maybe I should take up meditating. Any tips?

There's something in the way you laugh,

and it makes me feel like child.

I was watching videos of Jason Mraz on hulu the other day.  I don't know if I've ever told you before, but I love Jason Mraz, especially his early stuff from Java Joe's and his live recordings.  He may be odd in the way he presents himself or things he says, but I find myself coming back, again and again, to his music.  That must mean I'm supposed to listen, right?

Anyway, he was talking about touring in Europe and how it was a surprising process of finding people he was acquainted with or fans and asking them if they knew of venues where he could play, and how every stop was a different adventure.  I found myself envying him, that lifestyle, whatever you want to call it.  Sometimes I want my life to be a lot less traditional than a regular job and a stay-put lifestyle. 

Jason Mraz reminds me of 2005 when I discovered his live recordings and listened to that and near nothing else.  I traveled to New York for spring break and found more snow there than what I had left.  I spent time with my brother, and the whole trip planted a deep love for the frozen gorges of Ithaca within me. 

I miss times like those, my only worries about getting papers written and readings done, about passing classes and getting to the next year of college and new experiences. 

I don't ever want to feel like my life is stagnant, you know?  I often wonder how I'm going to fit all these things I want to do in my life, like traveling and family and a job... oh dear, a job.  Most of all, I want to travel.  A lot more. 

I haven't written a lot lately because I just haven't known what to say, really.  Not that things are particularly good or bad, but because life just is right now.  It's just what it is--normal--not great, not bad.  Sometimes I get tired of not being in school--I guess that's what being in school for most of my life does.  Anyway, I've gone on a lot of walks lately and though it's 20-or-so degrees out, it feels good because the sun's out.  I forget how important feeling sun on my skin is after winter.

To finish things up, I want to share my favorite things as of late:

1.  Paul McCartney's live version of "Blackbird."  I know you already know I love the Beatles, but I saw him singing it on TV one morning a couple weeks ago and it was just perfect.  It was exactly what I needed.  After this winter, it helps to have Paul take my  sunken eyes and learn to see.

2.  I've forgotten that it's not normal to have a black lab with blue eyes.  I see brown-eyed dogs with black bodies and I become sort of puzzled.  My little dog was sick yesterday, but I think he's much better today and I'm so glad.  Though his shedding is out of control right now, I needed a little reminder that it's nice to have him around, fur and all.

3.  My Life as Liz.  Have you guys seen this show?  I don't know why I love it so much, but it reminds me of high school.  Also, I haven't told you, but hipsters kind of freak me out.  So, I alternate between loving Liz and wondering if she'll get a good hair-washing in... it's a weird quirk, I know.

4.  I'm really, really trying to find a way to visit the beach sooner rather than later.  I don't even really know why I love it so much, I just do. 

5.  My hair's getting longer. 

6.  It's almost time to pull my cruiser out, and I'm secretly wondering if I can fit my dog in its basket.  (Probably not.)  (I don't think I'd be able to steer with him in there... he's a little... big.)

7.  I changed my header.  I like doing that sort of thing more than I should admit.

8.  I have about a bajillion choices to make here soon, and I'm actually kind of excited about it. 

And that is all for today.  Good day.

Hello again, dear friend.

Have I ever told you that You've Got Mail is one of my very favorite movies? 

I have discovered as I've gotten older that I like movies for weird reasons.  My #1 reason is usually because of a pretty set--Meg Ryan's apartment is about as close to perfection as I can imagine (though I often wonder where her junk is... I really am stuck on the whole de-junking thing).  She also has a fabulous apartment in Kate & Leopold.

Maybe it's just a thing I have for Meg Ryan's homes in movies, but in The Women, she had a fabulous home, and her wardrobe was great.  I think I already wrote about it.  Yep, I did here.  (That movie is weird, though--there are no men in it at all.  None!  Weird.)  Anyway, when my hair's longer, I'm going to spend time curling it so it will look something like this:

But messier, because everyone knows I'm not good at having curly, non-frizzy hair.  (I don't really care about having perfect hair.)

ANYway, back to what I was saying.  I've noticed that a lot of lines from You've Got Mail fit with my life lately.  It's just the little things... bouquets of newly sharpened pencils... nothings turning into somethings...  This probably all points to one thing:  I've seen this movie too many times.  I can think of a quote from it to fit almost anything in my life. 

This is all to say, I'd like to have a penpal.  I like writing letters.  I'm not good at doing it in a timely fashion, but I genuinely like getting to know other people's stories, their backgrounds, and sharing myself with other people.  Anyone need a penpal?  Or an e-mail pal?

Also, I would like to have an apartment like Meg Ryan's in any given movie of hers. 

I bought tulips this week, and they're spread all over our main floor living spaces.  I love tulips.  They smell so good, and they're so pretty.

This weekend, I'll probably edit photos (surprise, surprise) and watch movies on my computer simultaneously.  It will be a good weekend--I just know it!

What are your plans?  Do you like Meg Ryan, too?  (If you don't, that's ok.  Just don't tell me or we can't be friends.)  (I'm kidding.)  (Kind of.)  (Ok, I don't like her plastic surgery as of late.  And yet.)

Yep. January.

So, I haven't had a lot to write about lately.  Winter has been nice, besides the obvious cold and early darkness.  I think the number 1 reason is because of our dog, who needs walks or he chews things... enough said.  My housband does not enjoy being outside in the cold (example:  last Christmas, a blizzard.  Me:  Want to go for a walk in the snow with me?  Him: Not really...  ).  So it went all last winter.  But now! Now!  We go for a walk every day.  Bagheera and my housband go for at least 2 a day.  I love being outside and it's nice to have a dog that makes my housband go outside in winter. 

Unrelated:  we live near the zoo and I've seen a peacock outside the gates quite often.  I kind of love peacocks. 

I've been thinking about a lot of things and reevaluating what's important to me vs. not important.  I know I've been on a kick of having less stuff, but I've noticed it's a huge thing in our culture to want, want, want.  I don't want much.  I'm sick of wanting more.  I get tired of reading blogs because a lot of it is what's popular to want now.  When I really think about it, I don't have much that I truly want or need besides the obvious: food, shelter, etc.  Simplicity feels nice, I think.  Maybe someday I'll be all about the bling and having tons of stuff crammed all over my house but for now, this is good.

Also, if any of you know of an accountant who would be willing to help me file my small business taxes this year for free or pretty cheap, I would be forever grateful.  I really don't have much clue about the intricacies of the IRS and accounting--I just know I don't particularly want to get audited.

Right now, my feet are freezing.  I'm dreaming of being at the beach, my toes buried sand.  No matter how often I visit the ocean, I generally always want to go back soon after.  Like now, for example.

I don't think I wrote much about the holidays.  Here's the rundown:  they were nice.  I like my families.  (All of them.)  The holidays were simple.  They were sweet.  They are now over.

(That's ok with me, because in recent years I've realized that Christmas, more than anything, makes me feel sad.  I don't want to go into why, as I don't fully understand it myself, but it makes enjoying the day itself sort of difficult.)

I feel as though I'm really boring lately.  Am I boring?  Can we still be friends?

Last thing:  I dreamed last night that I was inside a car wash that was similar to Willy Wonka's chocolate factory.  The employees loved working there, and there were giant silver slides which led down to where people washed their cars.  No idea what the slides were for, but they were exciting to slide down.  I bet everyone would wash their car more often if car washing were more fun.  I know I would.

MIA

I am busy with life. 

My housband is coming back tonight after a trip to Salt Lake for his job.  I do not like being a single dog mom--all the whining is driving me a little insane.  I really miss my housband when he's gone, but this time was times 10. 

I'm already dreaming of Spring.  Don't get me wrong, I like winter, I just like longer days, rain and blooming trees. 

I'm not doing very good at writing on my blog, so I think I'm going to start a new tradition:  a time capsule, of sorts.  I forgot how my life was even just a few years ago, and after reading letters from a few friends, it all came back to me.  My life then was school, my dog, my computer (lame), and living in an apartment with my friends.  I wish I had letters from all my friends at all times to remember the specifics of my life.

I keep hoping that some of my stuff will break or get ruined so I can get rid of it with no guilt.  Perhaps that means I should just get rid of it anyway?  I am terrified, after watching shows about hoarders, that I'm going to become a hoarder.

We just moved across town, and I really like our new apartment. 

I feel like I complain all the time lately.  What's become of me?  My goodness... my year-long resolution this year should be to always look for the good. 

Today is the last day of my photo 3 project.  I'm hoping to get the whole month of December up in the next week.  It's going to feel weird not having that obligation, but this whole thing has been really good for me--shooting so often has helped me improve and refine my shooting style.

This is all very random.  I think I better go now.

Right now,

I'm eating a bowl of frosted cheerios. Frosted cheerios, where have you been all my life?

My ceramics instructor gave me some cool texture stuff to put in my clay. Mostly because I asked if I could glaze rocks, and he said they'll melt... Whoopsidoodle. I am going to build a coil pot this weekend. I am really enjoying ceramics, even though I've gotten more and more busy lately.

I have a stack of burned and labeled DVDs for a bunch of my clients. I'm getting caught up, and it feels really good.

Since it's after midnight, I'm going to bed now. I like you. Goodnight.

I dreamed

last night that I got a parking ticket and then a ticket for jay-walking in front of a cop.

I couldn't stop crying.

Then I met my neighbor's really hyper dogs. They don't have dogs in real life. I was a dog-handling expert.

I am far behind on my photos (don't I always say that?), but my computer is in the shop--again. At least I have a legitimate excuse this time.

I am trying to figure some things out with my website, but it's taking time.

I'm not looking at photography blogs for a week, because I'm figuring out my vision. After my workshop, Jonathan suggested we do this. I like to listen to rules. You want to know why? There's usually a reason for them. I'm finding my photographic voice, and it's my own. It's not anyone else's view. I wish I had more time to photograph everything, but for now, this will do.


I had the most wonderful weekend. I'm realizing more and more that I need to visit more places in my home state before we up and move away. I'll have to write about it later.

Last night, I labeled a bunch of my seashell specimens. I swear it's less creepy than it sounds, but perhaps I made it sound creepy on purpose. I also attempted to clean more of my spare room (never-ending) and my housband cleared out our under-the-stairs closet.

I'd include a photo, but, WHOOPS. All of them are on my broken computer. With no back up. Hopefully they're still there after getting fixed.

If I'm to be honest with you,

I'll admit that most days, I can't remember how old I am.

Sometimes, it takes me a long time to remember. I'm 23, in case you were wondering, and in case I need you to remind me.

I am stressed out by little inanities.

I do NOT have any cavities.

I like dogs. And flapper dresses. And jazz music.

I also tend to like books.

I like rearranging my furniture, and thinking of things I'm going to get rid of soon. Even if I don't really do it.

I like my life lately. It's been busy, but in a good way. I like finding beauty everywhere--people's faces, ordinary places, lots of things.

I really like my mattress pad. Though I often can't sleep at night, it is still so very cozy.

I like my husband. Ok, I really like him. A lot. I really like the way he smells.

I like my red couch. I like to shop for bedding without buying any.

I like the fact that I'll have a website real soon. I like all you friendly people.

I like that when Mondays are good, it throws off the rest of my week--I never know what day it is after a good Monday.

I've been trying real hard to be brave lately, and put myself in new situations. I've done several things I never thought I'd be able to do. I like that.

I'm sorry I'm kind of boring lately, but my brain is all over the place. Thanks for being my friend anyway.

THANK YOU

Thank you to everyone who voted in my little poll. I'm still trying to decide--there are three photos which are tied. They are: Pool 1, Pool 2, and Bike Basket.

I'm not sure which one to pick. Yes, I really am this indecisive.

I believe the first photo to be printed will be an 11x14 of Earl Green.


If you have any opinions on the three, let me know! Or, if you feel strongly that I should pick another photograph, let me know.

Have a very nice Monday.

I never said this would be cohesive.

I dreamed Saturday night that I took the MCAT with some of my friends, and as the test administrator was giving us instructions, I thought, I'm going to cry about this later. Instead, I began crying right there, walked out of the room, and returned to find the most bizarre test of all time. I had to pick which tracks were made in dirt by a miniature tractor (?), among other things. As if it couldn't get any weirder, the test began slowly integrating more and more Spanish until it was completely the language; somehow, I could figure out words or phrases here or there, and I thought, it's too bad they don't have a German MCAT. I didn't finish the test in time. It was stressful.

I've been drawing and painting. I actually like it--especially when I let go of my perfectionist expectations.

Monday is still the hardest day of the week for me.

Borders speaks my language, if only because of all the books.

I am intimidated/annoyed that everyone's into photography now. I need to get over it.

I'm tired now. I'm going to sleep.

I had a dream last night

in which I visited Egypt with my family and I forgot my camera at the pyramids. That really bugged me. Also, someone was trying to tell me that my horse and boar (??) I had brought with me were theirs and that I owed them money. I don't even want to go to Egypt.

I kind of like the hippie lifestyle. I'm afraid that if I become more of a hippie, my husband won't like me anymore. (He's afraid of hippies. I don't know why. Ok, I kind of know why. I still find it weird.)

I'm afraid of fall. The season. I can't really explain it sufficiently, so I'll leave it at that. I hope this fall is the best out of the last 2. It has to be, right? Right? Nowhere to go but up? I have a feeling it will be better. I have a lot less to worry about.

I took long exposure photos last night on the street. I was only mildly creeped out, and I only had one urge to go lie on the lawn at the hospital (we live across the street from it) and enjoy the nice temperature. I didn't do it, mostly because I didn't want to worry about what I'd do with my camera. And my husband was waiting for me inside. So I didn't do it.

I could probably spend all night outside, every night. But I like going to bed at the same time as my you-know-who, so I go to bed earlier than I probably normally would, and I lie awake for hours at a time, hoping for sleep. And then I have a bear of a morning. Perhaps things would be better if I just slept outside. Maybe.

My back hurts. Where is everyone?

(This was a post I wrote last Tuesday that I forgot to publish. Whoooooops....)

I'd like to make myself believe that planet earth turns slowly

I love photography with all of me. All parts of me. I think about it all the time. It makes me feel like I have heartburn. I love it. I love it. I LOVE it. Don't make fun of me, ok?

I want to visit my best friend in New York. Last time I went to the big city, I didn't take my camera (I shot only film then!), and I would like to have a second chance. I want to travel more. Fewer things, more experiences, perhaps?

I have a gnarly burn on my leg. I don't want to talk about it too much. It was an accident. Leave me alone.

Have you ever felt your eyelashes flutter because you're going so fast, but not too fast because you can still breathe? I have. I love it. I love that feeling.

Bike riding has made me appreciate where I live a lot more. Driving just doesn't satiate my need for smells and sights. Plus, I see a lot more photo opportunities while biking.

I was sick for an hour and a half last night in the middle of the night. I guess that's what happens when your diet consists (almost exclusively) of honey nut cheerios. I just love them so much. Still. Being awake when you don't want to be due to your poor stomach--not great.

I am happy/sad a lot of the time lately. Maybe it's because summer is almost ending. I do not know.

Still. I love those palms.