Tuesday, March 23, 2010


Did I mention that having this headache makes me super ornery?

Just so you know, there are only around 3 blogs which annoy me, and none of them are people I know in real life, and all of them live in Utah... And are "photographers."

Also, I do like a lot of photographers in Utah. I just hate the Utah photography market and how trendy it is to pick up a camera and start a business because it makes it that much harder for those of us who actually really love it to do anything with it, because they do it cheaper and they do it trendy-er, which is what everyone wants, I guess.

I guess what I'm trying to say is: I'm frustrated by a lot of things lately, but number one is mostly photography.

I'm trying to figure myself out. I used to dream of attending graduate school, but I'm not sure I want to do that anymore. It's kind of scary living with no ultimate dream beyond having a family someday and having no immediate plan for what to do with myself... I kind of always thought my life was leading me to photography, but I'm not so sure of that anymore.

Mostly, I've been thinking about it a lot, and I'm not that sure I want to be part of the photography industry. To tell you the truth, I don't really like it. It feels as though everyone hints that in order to be good or respected, you should shoot weddings. I hate weddings. Or, you should shoot and do a ton of actions and effects afterward to make life look positively ideal and flawless. I want to photograph kids, babies, pets, and fun fine art portraits. I want to photograph real life as it is. I guess along the way, I've forgotten that. Wedding photography does not inspire me. Elliott Erwitt inspires me. Photographers who photograph for photography and not money's sake inspire me.

I'm not very sorry for so many rants tonight, but I've felt a lot of anger lately and I think it helps me to get it out somehow.

Maybe soon my headache will go away.


Ellen said...

i really enjoyed your blog over the past. but these posts today show extreme jealousy. it seems you are extremely envious at other photographers, wedding photographers in particular. yes, you say you hate them. but it all sounds like it's coming out of this incredible need for you to be better than them. seriously, just stop worrying and do what you like. these posts aren't helping. they only make you indulge on the fact that you are bitterly jealous more.

Ellen said...

Also, some wedding photographers really are amazing. and so are any other photographers who do wonderful portraits and family pictures. and looking at your photography blog... yeah, it's obvious why you would be jealous and envious. they are just normal pictures. there are no inspiration behind it. no passion behind it. it's like something anyone can do with a point and shoot. just get over yourself, there are always more talented people out there. just do what you love to do, and there will be plenty of people who appreciate you for just that.

Ash said...

Hey Ellen, I wish you'd link to your blog so I could be sure you get my comment. I appreciate your input--and I agree with you, totally. I know I'm jealous, but it's mostly because I've loved photography so much for so long, and the road's been hard, and it's hard for me that I can't make money doing something I love, whereas there are others just in it for the money. I'm not saying I'm any better than anyone else, but i can say that viewing other Utah photographer blogs has harmed me more than helped, and I've lost myself a bit in the process. Thanks for helping me realize it--and I wish I could get over myself, but I know it will simply take time. I must say it stings when you said they're just normal photos, because I actually really like those and thought they were at least ok. also, I don't feel bad at all for saying wedding photography doesn't inspire me, because it just doesn't and that's my opinion. Sure, there are nice photos from weddings and family portraits, but never really any that make me want to go out, shoot and become a better photographer. Everyone's inspired by different things--mines just not your typical portrait session. Where are you from, by the way? Sorry you had to come out of the woodwork on such pointless, indulgent and angry post.

Ellen said...

Hi Ash, I'm sorry for my very obnoxious comment. I've been struggling with the same type jealousy issue for a long time, and i want to say i am beyond that. but the fact that i took your emotions so personally and got upset that you felt angry looking at these photographers means that i still have that in me. i want to say i understand exactly how you feel. maybe in completely different fields, but really, i understand. i often struggle with the fact that i am never going to be the best -- which is so difficult as i grew up being basically the best at everything until i hit university. I really just wish that you, and i, can grab onto what is true to us and what matter the most and move on.

i take back what i said about the photos looking normal. i was irrationally overwhelmed by the emotions that surfaced as i read your blog. allow me to say one more thing. while they are just pictures, i honestly see something in them. nothing loud, nothing outstanding. but a sort of soft peacefulness. it's different. but it's something and it's there. and please do realize that there will be people who appreciate your work for just what they are.

again, i'm sorry for so openly expressing my thoughts that may even be directed at no one but myself.

hope all is well. and please don't give up on your dream. even if it can't be something that sustains a living, it will still be something that would sustain your soul.

ps. i don't have a blog. sorry.

Anonymous said...

Hi Ellen, I'm late to the scene, but I hope you'll put down your cup of bee balm for a minute and read all of the comments I'm about to leave.

Ellen, they're all going to be jokes. So let's not take this too serious.

But they will be jokes designed to make you look really weird for your really weird comments. And like you, I will be enjoying the anonymity of the internet.

Anonymous said...

"i grew up being basically the best at everything until i hit university."

so you didn't encounter tact, empathy, your own emotions, common courtesy, typing on a keyboard, rational thought, or the english language until you were in college?

Anonymous said...

"i'm sorry for so openly expressing my thoughts that may even be directed at no one but myself."

Oh, you thought this blog was the same thing as your diary? Ellen, the difference is your diary is made of paper and it starts out by saying "Dear Ellen… well that was another sh***y day..."

Anonymous said...

"i was irrationally overwhelmed by the emotions that surfaced as I read your blog."

Ellen, you are taking this far too seriously. If you want to be overwhelmed with emotions, dust off your Sweet Valley High collection.

Anonymous said...

"hope all is well."

This is like me walking into your apartment, spreading your dog's poo on everything, then telling you that you have a beautiful dog.

Anonymous said...

"it will still be something that would sustain your soul."

And then this is like walking back in and giving your dog a perm.