Monday, May 30, 2011

I was just thinking

about my life and things in it.  And I realized this:  right now, my life is as far from perfect as I could have ever imagined.  With the exception of divorce, I guess. Getting a divorce from my hubby would suck pretty bad, so at least it's not anything with him.  He is and will always continue to be my center, and I love him for that. 

So things are hard.  And yet, I am doing ok.  I think you don't realize how strong you can be until you have to be, which is how it is for me and my family, I think.

I'm not going to go into details, but I feel it would be disingenuous if I didn't at least say that there's a reason why I haven't written.  Actually, there are several reasons for it, some of which I feel it's just not really anyone's business.  Secondly, most of it is not mine to write, and I feel strongly it's not my place to write about it though it does affect me pretty much every day.

It's interesting that when you have a trial in your life, there's so much more width to it than just the thing that's hard.  Yes, really difficult things are happening, but it's not my entire life.  I still have such a good and dashing husband, two dogs who continue to give me great company, brothers and sisters and in-laws and parents who are, when it comes down to the bones of it, the most fantastic people.  The trees are still blooming and becoming green, and I still have a really orange bike.  I'm kind of crazy about that really orange bike.  Plus, I am getting better at drawing, and I have hope that summer will come eventually, though it may not feel like it now.

And yet, there's still this thing looming over my head.

I think the thing that has stuck with me and surprised me most is this:  when you have a situation like this one, you realize people's true goodness, and, unfortunately, badness.  I have received so much kindness from people, and though I'd rather all of this wouldn't have happened at all, I am so grateful to work with and know so many people who are understanding, loving and so non-judgmental.  I will forever appreciate that, and it's honestly kept me going on days I've felt the lowest I could feel.  It's also reminded me that life goes on, though it feels as if it's on pause in the worst parts sometimes.  On the other hand, I've come to see such ugliness in others about which I have been really disappointed.  It's really made me consider who I call a friend and what qualities should be most important to me in my friends and people with whom I associate.  It's taught me a lot about the sort of person I would like to be, and I know I have a long way to go, but still, the goal is there.

This last weekend, I photographed a wedding.  I know!  Me!  A wedding!  (You may remember the controversy from here, here, and here.)  I have to say that it was a delightful affair, though I had so much anxiety about it that I felt like throwing up.  (Hi!  I have anxiety.  SURPRISE!  But it's much worse when it comes to photos, and even worse when I'm photographing someone's wedding.  Cause of all those special moments and such.)

ANYwho, I photographed this wedding, and I was thinking about those three posts I wrote really late at night in a moment of psychosis.  (Not really, but it feels like it in retrospect.)  I realize that this is my blog, but even now, in the middle of some of the hardest things I've ever been through in my life, I wouldn't go back to feeling that way.  At the time, I was trying to make photography a second and then hopefully, eventually, my main source of income, and I have since realized that it's not supposed to be that for me.  Magically, I started to hate it less, along with resenting other photographers less.  I am somewhat embarrassed about writing such hateful things, particularly things about a general group of people that I've never met, but then again, you never grow if you don't own up to your mistakes.  The bulk of it came from ideas of:  why is this working out for everyone else and not me?  I've since gotten a second job that's changed my life and I know things were supposed to turn out this way for a reason.  If the full-time photography thing would have worked out, I wouldn't have this and I wouldn't trade working with these little people for anything.  Plus, part-time photography is nice.  I do it mostly for me, sometimes for other people, and the pressure's off, which gives me fewer headaches and more good times. 

So, I photographed this wedding, and it was really nice to be able to photograph a wedding.  I've realized I don't hate wedding photography or wedding photographers; though weddings aren't my favorite thing to photograph, it's fun to be a part of someone's big party.

With everything going on right now, I have learned that not only should I not care about what other people think, but I NEED to not care.  Caring about what other people think just takes up way too much damn time and effort that I don't have.  I've been too self-conscious for too long, and it's time to let go of that.  I'm going to keep working on it--change takes time--but I'm tired of worrying what so-and-so will think of this or that. 

I've thought a lot about what to write on my little ol' blog.... because writing is my best and brightest outlet, and it probably always will be.  But on this thing, I have just struggled.  I don't know what to say.  But just know that the thought is there.

I hope to be writing more in the next little while.  If there's anyone out there who still reads this thing:  thanks for reading.  A lot of this writing is just for me, but it you're reading and you read the whole thing:  you rule.  Thanks for being my blog friends.


Amy said...

love you sister.

Tori said...

Oh ash! i love you too. i think one of the hardest things about growing up is that we realize grown ups are not really all that grown up either and that we all make mistakes (some bigger than others) and it sucks when some mistakes are more public than others or effect peoples lives... when it comes down to it i hate change too! it will get better, i just know it :) ...and if it doesn't i have always found fabric/textile therapy helps, so you can meet me at joanns anytime!

whit939watts said...

i just love you my friend, ash!

Adrienne Hansen said...

i read it! YAY! :) and i really like this part:

Caring about what other people think just takes up way too much damn time and effort that I don't have.

mostly cuz you said damn. hehe!

love you lots!