Friday, April 24, 2009

I think

growing up entails facing your fears. Facing the things which hurt you, and telling those things no more. I will no longer suffer because of things in the past, and I will not worry about things which may happen in the future.

I faced something I haven't wanted to face last night.

It was weird.

I worried this experience might open it all back up again. But, strangely, it only made me feel a little angry--I don't want to be that person anymore. I was a little afraid this will be a new era of hurt and she said she said. So I kept to myself. I enjoyed the scene, talked about things and people, and I didn't feel sad. Not anymore.

At home, I said to him, I'm not sure I want to be that person anymore. They're still the same; I prefer this life to the old one. Something like that.

I fell asleep thinking about it. How I used to be that person, so wrapped up in what they thought and things they said. I changed myself, in a way, to fit their mold. To make them like me more. I don't think it worked; I'm still me. I'm glad. I kind of like myself.

I woke this morning, blissful from a dream. The rain sprinkled outside the window. I remembered last night. As I dressed after my shower, I thought, perhaps for the first time clearly, I don't care what they think. I am stronger than I used to be. I don't have to deal with that anymore. This is my life, and I am in charge.

I don't hurt anymore when I think of their words--the sting is gone.

So, thanks, I guess, for making me realize all of that. Even though it hurt.