Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Don't panic

I was thinking last night as I was trying to fall asleep (isn't that always how it goes), and I remembered something.

My husband and I had a class together when we were freshman in college. We became good friends because we bonded in this class; I remember asking him all sorts of questions so I could get to know him better, but the one I remember most was, what are you afraid of?

Given that he isn't very serious, he said getting old and saws which cut off casts.

I laughed. Why would he be afraid of getting old? That seemed so odd to me. You can't stop it, so why be afraid of it? But he's confessed to me since that he really was afraid of getting old until we married, when he knew that at least he'd have me to hold his hand through the years. I feel the same way.

Except, I have to admit that lately I've become really terrified of getting older. I'm terrified of my body betraying me, of life becoming a burden because my bones won't move and my muscles will freeze up. I'm afraid I won't be able to get everything done that I'd like to while I'm young. So sometimes, I do nothing. I am so overwhelmed, I do nothing.

I don't want to live my life like this. I am terrified. Sometimes, I want to have less responsibility, fewer cares.

Life is good. I think I'm afraid that when I get older, it won't be good. That the goodness will slip away with my youth. I remember the summer I turned 19, how I thought life couldn't get any better. Soon after, I moved into an apartment with friends, and it was literal bliss for me. I had so much alone time. Sounds weird, but I loved being alone. I'm worried I'll never get that again. Like I said, life is good. But I'm living too carefully because I'm afraid.

I keep too many things and I keep notes of dumb things I do so I won't forget. I used to be better at writing in my journal, almost obsessively taking notes on my life so I won't forget. But I know I'm already forgetting. My memory is strong, but it's not strong enough, and I don't write in my journal as much anymore.

Most of all, I don't want to waste my life by being someone I'm not. I would like to be honest and genuine. I would like to be known as a good friend. I know I'm not always, but I am actively working on that. I would like to begin writing more again. I don't want to be afraid of my responsibilities, and I want to be bold about my dreams. I don't want to waste my time, but yet I do nothing.

My mom talked to me once after Christmas. I was sad that the holiday season was ending, and I sat with her on her bed, and she talked me through the year, all the things to which I had to look forward, each holiday and happening, how it would all happen again and again, a giant circle. I think about that often. But it scares me, too, knowing that as I've gotten older, time goes by faster. I think of how I used to dread long days of things I didn't want to do, but even now, I grasp on to them, trying to freeze time some way, even if it's not my ideal time to freeze.

I don't know what to think. I think, maybe, I need to calm down.


Anonymous said...

Sometimes I don't even know I'm thinking things until you write them.


7upkels said...

never before have i felt like i could relate as much as i just did. wow.
and aside from that, you wrote it so poetically and with such eloquence, that if you don't mind, i will probably print this off and put it in a journal.
i am so glad to have found your blog, i think like the comment above, i now have a place to know what i'm thinking since you've written it all down so well :)