Thursday, February 4, 2010

I'm afraid I've become a little boring.

Don't I write that often?  Perhaps I haven't become boring, I just embody boring.  But, to be completely honest, my life has been a blur of work, more work, and oh hey!  My photo website.  I haven't really talked about that here, but I've once again realized why it's good for me not to be in school.  I am a neurotic perfectionist.  I know a lot of people say they are, but man, sometimes I wish I'd stop picking on myself because it's kind of brutal.  It's like having a bully that NEVER GOES AWAY.

So, I've been working on this website (not any coding, html, or anything like that, mostly just getting my photos perfect enough for my standards), and I have daily freak outs which equate to I'm not good enough, why am I even bothering, these photos are not good, and goodness... it's exhausting.

I've always been the sort of person that when I do something that's important to me, I do it with everything I've got.  And I tell myself along the way that it's not good enough, it could be better, I suck at life, etc., etc., and somehow, even after all that, it turns out pretty darn good.  It's like those projects in high school--when you see what everyone else shows up with, you're impressed and simultaneously sort of embarrassed with yourself because you knocked yourself out when minimal effort would have been just fine.

But minimal effort is not good enough for me.  In the meantime, I'm in this cycle of self-loathing, and thus I'm just kind of tired.  I've been stuck in this weird whirlwind in my head of thoughts, things I'd like to be doing, things I'd like to change about myself and things about which I need to write. Mostly ideas for some serious writing I'd like to do, more than just blog writing.  It's been almost two years since I graduated from college and I guess now is a good time to get back into it... right?  Anyway.

I've said it once, and I'll say it again--is there any way to get a break from yourself?  Right about now, that would be nice.

However, in all seriousness, I can say that I finally see the light at the end of the tunnel.  I'm getting the I can do this vibe, and it's keeping me going on this project.  I've been working on this site since September (I know, a long time), but just recently I've decided to devote all my time to finishing it.  I can tell it's going to be worth it, if only just for me to see my best work all put together and feel good that I accomplished something that huge.

In other news, I walked my dog today and the sun was out.  It's actually been sunny a bit here and there, and today I went for a walk.  It felt like a revelation, nay, a miracle!  I had to take my coat off and unzip my jacket because I got so warm, and I think my face got a little sunburnt... about which I'm not surprised because my skin is very fair. 

Also, I used to try to pretend that I was cool, but now I've realized who cares.  So I want to tell you that I love Mandy Moore's song, "Ladies' Choice."  Also, I love her movies, pretty much all of them.  Also:  I've never heard more than one of Phoenix's (the band) song, and I can't even remember it.  I am tragically un-hip.  I just want to put on some Corinne Bailey Rae and wear some stretchy pants--is that too much to ask?

(That will only be funny to you if you know me, Nacho Libre, and the fact that I prefer wearing long johns around the apartment after walks withOUT pants over them.)

And now I will leave you with some photos that make me happy.

This is my niece!  At the ocean!  She is really funny... I'll have to tell you more about her later.





Someday I will have a freshly-shaven husband again.... someday.  Also, that is not our child.  He's just a surrogate.  From my sister.  Also known as my nephew.

2 comments:

Whit said...

ash, i wish there was some way i could tell you how amazingly talented you and how everything you do is my favorite, too (nacho)-- but i'm not sure that would help you get out of your slump.
but i do hope you know that i think you're awesome and i'm glad to call you a friend.
that is all.
ps i love the sunshine too!

Adrienne Hansen said...

you can have jimmy. sometimes. ok? ok.

ps. love you.

pss-dipwumen. i love word verification. haha.