Monday, February 8, 2010

Truth is,

I go to bed every night, thinking about how good my life is... and that's no lie.

But life has its little good parts and little frustrating parts and this is not to say that everything's perfect; though most everything is good, I often get frustrated with myself because I feel I'm not good enough for me (which is weird, but it's just the way I am).

So, I will be ok, and everything is good and fine, and I got to sleep in today because I cleaned up dog sickness at 6 in the morning...... poor puppy.  Guess that's what tree bark does to your digestive system.  Sleeping in is good.

I've been thinking about why I blog and I realized it's mostly to get things out.  I'm not going to try to pretend my life is perfect or that I'm glamorous or even that important, because that would be a total lie.  I'm just myself, and I like to write.  I like to write vignettes about my life, though it will never be a full portrait of my life--I guess that's one disadvantage to blogging, but I doubt I'd ever really share everything in my life with just anyone anyway.

I've realized I worry way too much about what other people think of me, and I really shouldn't, but I'm trying.  Also, I still love the Postal Service (well, the band and the service.  Mail is good, right?).  I am a major dog person.  I love their innocence and ability to live simply, and to love without prejudice.  I'd like to be more like that.  My childhood dog was my best friend when I'd come home from school to nobody.  As a child of divorced parents, she was the best thing to me; she brought me so much joy.  I have this never-ending day dream of living by the beach someday.  I like to see how dirty the floor was after I've mopped.  I also love my couch, and sitting on it with my dog and husband.  I love movies... especially odd ones, or maybe even stupid ones, but I don't care.  They make me happy.  I love my home.  It feels like home.  I really love my siblings.  I dream of being like each of them individually in different ways.  I want to be smart like Aaron, fun like Amy, funny like Adam, and sharing like Adrienne.  And understanding like all of them.  I think it's fun to have that many siblings, and more now that I have stepsisters, too.  I love the way books smell, and I often sniff the books I'm reading.  I like that Borders--the bookstore--smells the same wherever you go, whether it's Utah or New York.  I like film and its element of surprise.  I like musicals.  I'm anxious to see where life will take us, but I'm truly terrified of change.  I try to be a nice person, but sometimes I'm really not that good at it.  I'm shyer than I'd like to be, and often way too timid.  I miss being in school, reading books and speaking German.  I run up my stairs each morning and try to beat the dog to the top, but I never win and I'm actually kind of disappointed about that.  I also used to run up our old apartment stairs when we didn't have a dog, but that was because it was usually dark downstairs and I am weird and believe, somewhat, in zombies.  Oh, and I am afraid of the dark.  So yep.  I'm a weirdo.  And even though I'm mean to myself, especially lately, I like myself.  I laugh at things I say though they're not that funny to other people. 

I think I might go to Borders tonight and buy myself a book.  Maybe I'll let you know how that goes.

In conclusion:  I love life, and thanks for reading this endless random stuff I write.  (Though I'd understand if you didn't.)


Heather J said...

Ashley, i love reading your posts. You are so articulate about your thoughts and feelings. I wish I was a better writer/thinker.

Anyway...i just wanted to tell you that you ARE nice and i love that you race your dog up the stairs.

Tannie Datwyler said...

I like your rambling posts. AND I like that you came to my party - so fun! Thank you. :)

Micaela said...

you are quite the character Ashley. I'm so curious about you through your little confessions... so i hope you keep sharing.

because i often times worry that even what i write in my comments to you makes me sound weird. and i want you to like me.

isn't that funny? (ironic?)

i hope you found a good book!
what weird movies do you like?
i recommend "my life without me" but it's not really weird... thoughtful. sweet.

ooh and "purple violets"

ps. i understand the dog thing perfectly. just today i was telling my fiance that sometimes it's such a pain to get up early and take her out etc. (esp. in this snow) but there is nothing like puppy kisses. and how happy they are ALWAYS to see you. i love when she sleeps on my pillow too... she curls around my head. lol Max doesn't understand it. lol

Amy said...

I am afraid of the dark too.

and thanks for saying I am fun. just so you know, I think you are fun too.

Aaron said...

For the record, I am also handsome and ruggedly athletic. I understand that you could only pick one thing about me to mention, given that the rest of everybody only has one good thing about them, but still, it probably needed to be said.

Also, then, based on a correct reading of the above, I'm funny.

Hi Ash.