Thursday, October 27, 2011

I need you so much closer

Tonight, I drove home from work as the sun went down. The light, blue from sunset, was perfect, and I noticed the leaves--which were just bright yellow, the same which I wanted to photograph but never did--had fallen off, leaving tree limb and shoulder bare. Now the leaves rest in gutters and a strip sleeps down the middle of wide, tree-lined streets. My favorite part of fall.

Did I ever write about my dog, Patches? I remember what felt so fresh and painful as winter after we put her to sleep, though it was the end of May. I remember it feeling so important that I grieved at the time, didn't hold it in. Sometimes when I was that young--19--often, actually, I felt I was broken and there were a lot of things wrong with me. Somehow, one of the things I took away from Patches was that I was, am, a whole person. The autumn which followed was one of the happiest I can remember, and the spring after, I began dating my housband.

I suppose, sometimes, things dying, seasons changing, is healing, even when I dread the change. I suppose I'm enjoying this autumn more than I thought I would.

I restarted the song Transatlantacism over and over, feeling all the world that I was 19 again and bills, worries, taxes, and the world went away, if only for just a minute, and the only real important thing is that guy's letter he just sent from Honduras, written in his handwriting, with pictures of him in front of the ocean, by a statue, in a new country, and maybe, privately, thinking I need you so much closer, and then smiling because it's kind of, maybe, true.

Tonight, that's what fall felt like.

I opened my front door, and that guy, the one who sent me pictures (for whatever reason, we were just friends then, after all) sitting on my couch.

I love that song.


Adrienne Hansen said...


Micaela said...

one of my favorite songs ever... again you truly move me with your words.

Mikelle Jade {The Honeypie Archives} said...

I love that song too :)
But oh gosh, so many words for this post, but I can't put them together to formulate what I feel!

I too have trouble with the changing seasons because my sister died in the Fall, and so Fall and winter have always been such a difficult time for my family. But I just have to keep in mind that Spring always comes, and I just have to remember the happiest times!

OH and PS I take no offense on the Mulan thing. For some reason I get it all the time. I seriously probably get told I look like Mulan AT LEAST once a week! I know she is Asian and so am I, but I still don't really see it!

Lauren said...

dear ashley,

i read this before and again tonight as your older brother was remarking on how he LOVED this post he read on his way to work. we both agree that you are a remarkable writer, and just like adrienne said- this was very poetic. we hope you will write for us someday!

love you! Lauren