Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Search for meaning

I don't know if it's the changing of the seasons or something, but it seems I always get a bit introspective around fall/winter. It's a welcome change; I find I'm less content with all things in my life and I find myself wanting more--and not necessarily more in terms of possessions or money or things which change at any given second, but more from myself.

Sometimes this leads me to unhappiness; I push too hard. 

Lately, I've found myself wondering what it all means? And sometimes it's a bit hopeless, sometimes a bit hopeful, and sometimes I just flat out feel confused. I can see the big picture and I can see the way in which it's framed and I know I'm almost there... and yet. Here I am.

I find myself searching for meaning in the ways I spend my time. I am horrible with self-control when it comes to things. I think, ok, tomorrow I'm not going to do this or this and spend this much time on this and then tomorrow comes and it's all out the window.

I think, instead, my time would be more productive if I thought in terms of, ok, tomorrow I'm going to do this and this and this and if I have a little time to waste, then I can do that.

Realistically, I am really, really good at beating myself up over things I can't control, old issues which I thought I had a handle on, things I thought I was done worrying about years ago.  To be honest, as a person, I am a worrier.  I try not to worry, because as my husband says, worrying is like a rocking chair:  it's something to do, but never gets you anywhere.  But it's deeper than that--I worry about being a good mother, about whether they should watch any TV at all and what things am I already behind on teaching them?  I guess the fact that I worry at all speaks something, says I'm a good parent because I actually care enough to worry what else I could be doing.

The thing I'm thinking lately, though, is that while my girls are pretty good company, they're still infants.  And the things I think are getting louder and louder because I'm home and sometimes being home all day with infants is honestly sort of lonely.  I'm sort of a quiet person, but I've realized it's because my head is so loud I occasionally forget to speak. 

I like to figure things out and think deeper and flesh out reasons for things.  I've found I like to think positively about people.  That's important to me, and I've realized that being negative is difficult and can get out of control quickly.  My family has gone through some really awful things lately, and beneath it all, I think:  still, there's good in the world.  Most people mean well.  Some don't, and I guess that's ok, and it will all work out somehow.  There are moments when I can't feel this way; then there are other times where I just won't think negatively about people because honestly?  Most everyone is just doing their best to live their version of the truth.  Most people are doing the best they can. 

I guess what I'm trying to say is this:  I'm doing the best I can.  I'm not the best person I know how to be, but I'm working on it. 


Brittany said...

And that's kind of the best. People trying to work it out are the best kind of people. I love this post.

Audrey said...

It does seem like our thoughts become louder as stay-at-home moms - for better or for worse. I like when you said, "everyone is just doing their best to live their version of the truth," so true. And good luck fighting your "momma guilt." I definitely think that's something every mom is constantly battling on some level :)

Lauren said...

love your honesty, love this post, love you!

(ps, the more and more i read your posts, we are more alike than i realized!!!)

Brooke Barker said...

Hey Ashley! I'm a stranger kind of but I wanted to tell you two things:

First is I read the Lemon Cake book you commented about on my blog and woah. That book gets crazy. We can talk about it later.

Second is I get way too introspective in the winter too. But I just take eat loads of vitamins and yellow candy and try and think of summer until it passes so you're doing better than me. I hope you're doing great!