A very strange week.

This last week, several not good things happened, and one great thing happened.

1st not good thing = my 10-year-old nephew was diagnosed with diabetes, which was quite a shock.  I feel so bad for him... he's just a little guy.  But my sister and brother-in-law are good parents, and I feel as though he's in good hands.  Plus, he's a fighter about everything, so he will be just fine.

THEN, 2nd not good thing = I spilled maple syrup on my macbook trackpad.  Which would not be a big deal, except that it got down in the button clicker and has made it near impossible to be un-sticky.  Although I tried a few things, like taking out the battery and sliding paper up there, syrup is one sticky SOB, in case you were wondering.  I think it's getting better though.  And it happened on the same night I was so upset about my nephew, so BONUS!

My sister and I had a good laugh about my mini-chalkboards.  She came over the other night to watch a movie at my place and commented on the bottom chalkboard, which says "2011 the year of the BEAST." 

The sad and funny part is that though I wrote this in the beginning of the year, I kept it there.  I wrote it mostly to be funny.  And every time someone comments on it, something bad happens.  Have I said this has been one of the most difficult years of my life?  Well, it has, for various reasons.  And yet, I'm still kickin'.  Perhaps 2012 will be the year of the beats.  Beats as in great music.  I do NOT know yet.

Last night, we were at the demolition derby.  Some guy sitting next to us was there with his friends, totally connected with his Ipad-like thing (wasn't actually an iPad), his cell phone, and chatting on facebook or taking pictures or video and then going back to chatting with his girlfriend about how this was his last chance.  (DRAaaaaammmmmaaaaaa!  Sorry, dude, but that's what you get when you type on your thing in front of a bunch of people.)  And I thought to myself:  I don't think I have ever felt that way in my life.  That this was my last chance.  Sure, I get discouraged, I have my days (often enough), but I find myself saying over and over again that things will work out.  I had a really hard thing happen a couple weeks ago where I was virtually offered a job after meeting with these people twice, before they were done interviewing, but they then changed their minds on me.  I was totally and completely heartbroken, and I completely fell apart.  But the next day?  I was busy.  Moving on.  I'm still thinking about it, but I realize there has to be something better out there for me.  I'm finding that positivity is so much easier for me in the long run. Plus, I've heard it helps you live longer. PLUS, nobody wants to be around people who are always pessimistic, am I right?

The great thing that happened to me this week is that my husband moved home.  Surprise!  I didn't tell you we were living apart this summer.  He had an internship in Elko for the summer at a gold mine, and we couldn't find housing that would work for us before he left, so he was assigned a roommate who was also an intern at the mine.  He's home now, and I am so SO glad.  (I didn't write about it because I didn't want to be murdered in my sleep.  My dogs are less brave than I.  We are a ridiculous bunch.)

I want to write more about the whole living-apart thing later, but for now, this will do.  Have a happy Sunday.

So

I have something I want to tell you.

We have some visitors... actually, permanent residents... in our apartment.

We are paying rent for them to stay.

And they live in the roof.


Ok, so they're birds. And I know they're in there because they wake me up pretty much every morning. I've never heard such strange scraping sounds in my life. It never really bothered me until recently, when I realized I should write about them--there's a probable nest up there, too, what with baby birds chirping and all.  I generally think nothing exciting is going on in my life but then I realized having birds--uninvited ones, nonetheless--for roommates is somewhat exciting.

I wouldn't mind it so much if I weren't extremely paranoid about the amount of poop that's most likely up there, which is probably also diseased (I watched a TV show about a pigeon infestation once--let's just say it ruined me).

And I've felt sick (again), which makes me wonder if it's the disease creeping into our apartment.

Yes, I could call my landlord. Why I haven't is a story for another day... oh boy.

This is not a photo of one of the birds in my attic. However, I did take it. I thought I'd spice all this up with a photo. Because why not?


In other news, I am still scouting out dogs from the shelter which I can adopt.  (Note: we cannot afford another dog, nor do we have the space.  And yet.)  

I have been trying to "shrink" myself and figure out why, psychologically, I can't be happy with the one I've got already (I am happy with him, I just want another dog to love).  And then I think of the line from Paul Blart, Mall Cop, something about peanut butter filling the cracks of the heart.

But in this case, my peanut butter is a fluffy, loveable shelter dog.  

What I can't figure out is what's missing?   Perhaps I've got an unfulfilled need.  If you could tell me what that is, that would be great.

Lastly, I've been drawing a lot lately.  And I don't know how many of you are into art, but do you know of any artists, particularly artists who primarily draw, that you really love?  I'll tell you who mine are in a minute.... aka in another post...

Anyway.  It's Monday.  My dog's not eating anything but grass (?).  Don't worry, we asked the vet about it.  It feels as though it's going to be a long week.   I have to go relax now.  

Also:

Did I mention that having this headache makes me super ornery?

Just so you know, there are only around 3 blogs which annoy me, and none of them are people I know in real life, and all of them live in Utah... And are "photographers."

Also, I do like a lot of photographers in Utah. I just hate the Utah photography market and how trendy it is to pick up a camera and start a business because it makes it that much harder for those of us who actually really love it to do anything with it, because they do it cheaper and they do it trendy-er, which is what everyone wants, I guess.

I guess what I'm trying to say is: I'm frustrated by a lot of things lately, but number one is mostly photography.

I'm trying to figure myself out. I used to dream of attending graduate school, but I'm not sure I want to do that anymore. It's kind of scary living with no ultimate dream beyond having a family someday and having no immediate plan for what to do with myself... I kind of always thought my life was leading me to photography, but I'm not so sure of that anymore.

Mostly, I've been thinking about it a lot, and I'm not that sure I want to be part of the photography industry. To tell you the truth, I don't really like it. It feels as though everyone hints that in order to be good or respected, you should shoot weddings. I hate weddings. Or, you should shoot and do a ton of actions and effects afterward to make life look positively ideal and flawless. I want to photograph kids, babies, pets, and fun fine art portraits. I want to photograph real life as it is. I guess along the way, I've forgotten that. Wedding photography does not inspire me. Elliott Erwitt inspires me. Photographers who photograph for photography and not money's sake inspire me.

I'm not very sorry for so many rants tonight, but I've felt a lot of anger lately and I think it helps me to get it out somehow.

Maybe soon my headache will go away.

Mondays

make me feel bummed.

P.S.  Anyone have any solutions for a headache?  I've had one almost constantly for the last week or so.  Can't decide if it's because of the change of seasons, a not-so-good diet, or something else.  I don't really like to take Advil, etc., for them...

It's all silly, really.

Today, I've had a frustrating series of events that have made me just how small I really am.  (That's pretty darn small.)

Not that I was expecting to be big, really--I guess it's hard to explain.

Sometimes I wonder what I'm doing with my life.  If what I'm doing right now is really all that important, or if I should just take a break and reevaluate.  I know all these little days add together to become that big important someday for which I've been waiting and dreaming about, but what about today?  Why can't today be the day about which I dream?

I guess this is all to say that I'm life-confused.  Not about big things, per se.  It's the little things that get to me.

I'm just recognizing my frustrations as of late.  Life is good, I know that.  I really do.  But sometimes the down moments and down days collect like a rain puddle, and I suppose I've stepped in it tonight.  And my proverbial socks are wet.  I really hate wet socks.

I am just one little person getting through life.  It hit me so hard at one point today, and man, I feel so humbled.  I guess it's good to feel that way once in a while, but when it comes to something that's my heart, I could really use some confidence.

I've just had a few months that I've thought (a lot):  I SUCK!  But I'm doing my best.

This is all to say:  I'm fine.  I'm struggling with my little place in the world.  It might just be the winter weather.  But I am a little worn out.

Heyo.

So, this week, we moved.

Have I ever told you I don't adjust well to change? Well, guess what? I don't. It's been a little difficult for me, mostly because I attach feelings to things that don't have feelings, like our old apartment and food. I just threw food in there because I can hardly leave a meal without cleaning my plate due to food's feelings. It is really so bizarre.

Anyhow, our new apartment is bigger, and I really like that so far. I still feel displaced and a little like I'm on vacation, but I'm sure I'll adjust soon. I also have some other news, but I'd like to wait just a tiny bit longer until I share with you. It's good news though. (No, I'm not pregnant.)

I finally pulled out my Christmas decorations last night, so our house is a little festive. Also, I think we're getting a tree tonight, which will be good for the increase of Christmas-y feelings.

Most of all, the weirdest thing about moving, for me, is feeling sort of out of control--the place isn't as clean as I'd like it, my clothes are everywhere in the closet, and things are still in boxes. What it comes down to, I think, is that I have too much stuff... which is the story of my existence. Still, I'd like to feel that we have some order. I'm pretty sure it will come, it just might take me a bit.

Last thing: This year, along with my photo 3 project, I also made a goal to take a self-portrait in each season. This is my latest one:

Me with my mom's dogs.  I'll have to post the other three seasons here at a later time.

I hope you all have a wonderful day.

Tell me this:

why is it so hard to shop for other people?

I can find a million things that I think, wow, that is a great gift idea... for me.

In particular, my husband is hard to shop for because he "doesn't have ideas."

My goodness. Christmas this year so far has been difficult.

I think it's because of our warm Thanksgiving, and the fact that we have NO decorations up, besides my lights outside our apartment that appear to have been hung by a 4-year-old (which is me).

I'm going to come back later when I'm less frustrated. Yep, that's the answer.

I am having a bad month.

Kind of. Just a string of bad luck lately.

So, I am going to write about my favorite things. Mostly to remind myself later that there are things that are good.

I like robots. A lot. I also like rocks, and puppies, and babies. I really like my husband. I like when he holds my hand when he's sleeping and he doesn't even realize he's doing it. I like Fridays, but most especially, Thursday nights--the night before all the goodness. There's such a sense of freedom there. I like seashells, the ocean, and trees. I like when my clothes smell like a campfire long after I've been around a fire. I love animals. Even when they freak me out. I don't know why, but pigs kind of freak me out. But I still love them.

I like caramel apples, Park City, and going new places. I like older homes. I like warm blankets and cushy beds. I like my husband's hair. I like Jason Mraz--a lot. Still. Since '03. I like bright colors and making random stuff go together. I like the freckles on my dog's nose. I like sunny days in winter. I like spring time.

That's all I can think of right now. Maybe I'll put more down later.