In between all the muck of life

and car problems (more on that later), I had a dream that I was still in high school, in my high school's musical, and I had gotten the lead part.  It was AWESOME, and I could tell everyone loved my singing.  Haha.  AND my best friend, one who is still one of my best friends, was telling me all the reasons why she was envious of me. 

Most often, I have these horrible, self-doubting, negative dreams.  It was kind of nice to get something that was totally different.

Sometimes the experiences I go through/dreams I have remind me of what other people need--like this one, to be loved and validated, and appreciated for who they are.  I think I'm going to try harder with that.

PS - Summer came.  SURPRISE!

Bergen's face is about how I feel about summer.  It's too hot.  And this is just to show you that I actually do watch Friends pretty much every day.  Love that little Bergs.

Yep. January.

So, I haven't had a lot to write about lately.  Winter has been nice, besides the obvious cold and early darkness.  I think the number 1 reason is because of our dog, who needs walks or he chews things... enough said.  My housband does not enjoy being outside in the cold (example:  last Christmas, a blizzard.  Me:  Want to go for a walk in the snow with me?  Him: Not really...  ).  So it went all last winter.  But now! Now!  We go for a walk every day.  Bagheera and my housband go for at least 2 a day.  I love being outside and it's nice to have a dog that makes my housband go outside in winter. 

Unrelated:  we live near the zoo and I've seen a peacock outside the gates quite often.  I kind of love peacocks. 

I've been thinking about a lot of things and reevaluating what's important to me vs. not important.  I know I've been on a kick of having less stuff, but I've noticed it's a huge thing in our culture to want, want, want.  I don't want much.  I'm sick of wanting more.  I get tired of reading blogs because a lot of it is what's popular to want now.  When I really think about it, I don't have much that I truly want or need besides the obvious: food, shelter, etc.  Simplicity feels nice, I think.  Maybe someday I'll be all about the bling and having tons of stuff crammed all over my house but for now, this is good.

Also, if any of you know of an accountant who would be willing to help me file my small business taxes this year for free or pretty cheap, I would be forever grateful.  I really don't have much clue about the intricacies of the IRS and accounting--I just know I don't particularly want to get audited.

Right now, my feet are freezing.  I'm dreaming of being at the beach, my toes buried sand.  No matter how often I visit the ocean, I generally always want to go back soon after.  Like now, for example.

I don't think I wrote much about the holidays.  Here's the rundown:  they were nice.  I like my families.  (All of them.)  The holidays were simple.  They were sweet.  They are now over.

(That's ok with me, because in recent years I've realized that Christmas, more than anything, makes me feel sad.  I don't want to go into why, as I don't fully understand it myself, but it makes enjoying the day itself sort of difficult.)

I feel as though I'm really boring lately.  Am I boring?  Can we still be friends?

Last thing:  I dreamed last night that I was inside a car wash that was similar to Willy Wonka's chocolate factory.  The employees loved working there, and there were giant silver slides which led down to where people washed their cars.  No idea what the slides were for, but they were exciting to slide down.  I bet everyone would wash their car more often if car washing were more fun.  I know I would.

So...

I have a lot of random visitors to this site.  Hi, visitors!  But, what I'd really like, is if you're a regular reader/never-commenter, say hi.  Maybe your first name and location?  I'd just like to get an idea of who's out there.

In other news, I've been sick this week.  It's like a weird head-cold thing.  The last few years, I haven't been SICK sick, just mildly sick.  I'd almost rather get really sick and then be healthy for a long while than be sick like this twice a year.  It's kind of annoying.

I dreamed I got a third job last night.  It was a definite step down, but at least in my dream I got a new pair of shoes from it.

Also:  seriously, say hi.  I know there are a few people who probably read my blog pretty often who never say anything.  You're hurting all two of my feelings.  Ok, not really.  Seriously though.  Who are you?

Just a few photos from a Sunday at my in-laws' house.  

OH, and if you're curious, I've been posting photos on my official photo blog from my workshop.  Check it OUT!

Have a great Thursday.

I dreamed

last night that I got a parking ticket and then a ticket for jay-walking in front of a cop.

I couldn't stop crying.

Then I met my neighbor's really hyper dogs. They don't have dogs in real life. I was a dog-handling expert.

I am far behind on my photos (don't I always say that?), but my computer is in the shop--again. At least I have a legitimate excuse this time.

I am trying to figure some things out with my website, but it's taking time.

I'm not looking at photography blogs for a week, because I'm figuring out my vision. After my workshop, Jonathan suggested we do this. I like to listen to rules. You want to know why? There's usually a reason for them. I'm finding my photographic voice, and it's my own. It's not anyone else's view. I wish I had more time to photograph everything, but for now, this will do.


I had the most wonderful weekend. I'm realizing more and more that I need to visit more places in my home state before we up and move away. I'll have to write about it later.

Last night, I labeled a bunch of my seashell specimens. I swear it's less creepy than it sounds, but perhaps I made it sound creepy on purpose. I also attempted to clean more of my spare room (never-ending) and my housband cleared out our under-the-stairs closet.

I'd include a photo, but, WHOOPS. All of them are on my broken computer. With no back up. Hopefully they're still there after getting fixed.

I never said this would be cohesive.

I dreamed Saturday night that I took the MCAT with some of my friends, and as the test administrator was giving us instructions, I thought, I'm going to cry about this later. Instead, I began crying right there, walked out of the room, and returned to find the most bizarre test of all time. I had to pick which tracks were made in dirt by a miniature tractor (?), among other things. As if it couldn't get any weirder, the test began slowly integrating more and more Spanish until it was completely the language; somehow, I could figure out words or phrases here or there, and I thought, it's too bad they don't have a German MCAT. I didn't finish the test in time. It was stressful.

I've been drawing and painting. I actually like it--especially when I let go of my perfectionist expectations.

Monday is still the hardest day of the week for me.

Borders speaks my language, if only because of all the books.

I am intimidated/annoyed that everyone's into photography now. I need to get over it.

I'm tired now. I'm going to sleep.

Last night, as I was trying to fall asleep,

I was thinking about my plans. What I'm doing, or going to do, with myself, my talents, my abilities. I've thought a lot about what I want to do with photography, but I often get so discouraged because there are so many people out there doing it and it's become so popular lately. It's so easy to photoshop and make nothing into something... I just get discouraged when I look and see ordinary people glossed over or made into something they're not. I don't think that's what photography is about... I know my work isn't perfect, but I want it to be honest. I want my photographs to show how things really are, not how I wish them to be. I like people's wrinkles and freckles and scars. It's what makes you, you. Life isn't perfect--why do all our photographs pretend to be? I don't really understand it. I'm not immune from this by any means, but I'm working on doing better. On being more honest with myself, and with you. Whoever you are.

Anyway. Back to what I was saying. I'm thinking of what I'm going to do with myself, and I was talking in the dark with my husband before he fell asleep last night... I love portrait photography. Not posed photography, necessarily. I like seeing people in their settings. I love the documentary feel. My best photos are usually ones that aren't set up. [I love landscapes, too, but I also love portraits.]

I don't really want to do wedding photography. I don't think I'll handle the stress well. However, I love little kids and pets. [Believe it or not, there's a large market for pet photographers!] I'm a weirdo, I guess. I think that's what I want to do with myself, mostly later when we have kids; I want to work from home. This could happen sooner, though, after I build my portfolio and I could do it on my time off. Photographs of kids and pets. I became so excited about the idea I had to calm myself down so I could sleep.

I'm being brave and sharing this with you. I'm scared. Mostly that you'll think I'm weird. I worry too much about that. I shouldn't care, but I do.

In related news, I spent some time looking through Justin Hackworth's photography, and I left feeling so inspired. What a great photographer! His portraits are so beautiful, natural and honest. That's what I want to do. That's what photography is about. He has a photo every day feature as well, and I looked through that.. needless to say, it's all really great. [The photos on the blog are good, but my favorites are these portraits, and these, as well as his senior portraits. Plus several others! I recommend you take a look if you have a minute & you like a good portrait!]

I want to photograph people. I want to photograph life how it is. I am in love with photography and I cannot stop thinking about it, even when I try.

I'm sorry this is so long.

I might change my mind about this, and I might regret posting this. But I'm doing it anyway.

And the stressful dreams continue:

Last night, I dreamed that I had to give a presentation to a bunch of people, and it was supposed to be funny but also explain who I am. For some reason, I thought synchronized tennis playing (?) would be fun and funny, but I didn't think my partner would be able to follow my moves. I think I was the last to go, and as the others went (one of which was Scott from American Idol, playing some rocking tunes), I realized my act wasn't going to work. And I had nothing.

Then, in a completely separate dream, I dreamed of Disneyland. I was getting on Indiana Jones; there was hardly any line from what I could see, and then... I woke up.

Today, I took photos outside in my new skirt.

I also figured out why it seems like I have sugar in my bag. I dumped a bunch of something out of my pen yesterday, and then I was confused as I went to get lunch today and there were white grains inside my wallet. Good idea: take salt and pepper shakers out of your bag when you receive them at bridal showers. If you don't, you'll have salt stuck deep in your pen, in your wallet's crevices, at the bottom of your bag. Basically everywhere.

So.

I got kind of sick on Saturday. I couldn't tell if it was an allergy to some dried flowers I bought, or if it was a cold or something, but turns out, it's the cold [which is ok, I like those flowers and I don't want to get rid of them].

I've been sick 3 times since November.

Normally, I get sick once a year, so this is a LOT of colds with which I've had to deal. And my ears have been plugged since Monday. Needless to say, I can't really hear very well right now. It's sort of nice to be able to tune out the noise, but I also just can't hear what people are saying to me very well.

Brotherman keeps telling me that it's from stress, it's from stress, it's from stress, but I refuse to acknowledge that I'm stressed out. HOWever, I think I probably am--I can't even get refuge in my dreams anymore. In the last week, I've had dreams that I was:

• fighting with my sister, and really, really angry at her
• backstabbed/betrayed by my stepsister in a way that's all too familiar [not from my family, but someone else]
  
• ditched by my husband in a foreign country/ditched in general
  
• driving with my family, and my mom made my husband hitch a ride home from Colorado

None of these things are actually true. My family is my #1, so I don't know where this is all coming from. And I wonder each day why I'm so tired in the morning... huh.

I'm trying to relax and not worry so much, but wow... sometimes life is so stressful [& for the dumbest reasons]. I think I need to go home, drink my juice, and take a nap.

Last night,

I had a dream that was really strange. There's this street where I live that's lined with big, old houses with trees out front; sort of a historic street in my town. Anyway, I dreamed that I lived in a much bigger city, but those same houses were there and I was asking someone I knew if I could have his house on that street [...weird?]. I was joking, but I was also somewhat serious.

Anyway, I was being driven with said person down this street to get to a big, fancy building at the end, and we passed all sorts of beautiful houses. Each house was well-kept and large, with green lawns and big trees. Finally, we passed a house that took my breath away, maybe because it was so unique. It was basically a barn-shaped mansion with a rooftop patio, one that was probably a fully-enclosed solarium with flowers and fountains. There were sheets flowing in the breeze from the ceiling, and in my dream, I pictured myself sitting at a cafe table on the rooftop patio, reading a book and sipping raspberry lemonade in a skirt... Which was a strange fantasy within a dream.

I remember looking at the house as we passed, and for some reason, that house was just the epitome of greatness in my mind--a barn with a rooftop solarium? It doesn't get better than that.

Sorry if that was confusing.

That said, today I've decided I have to figure out how to get a rooftop patio/solarium.

Like this one:

[Image from here]

I could just transplant that one from Brooklyn, buy a house, and put that on top; however, I don't think I'll have any wedding receptions in it.

This is more likely for my future home:

I really like those beams [and the brick wall!]. Oh, and the big windows, too.

Anyway, today's been a long day.

I went longboarding with my housband yesterday. I'm not good at it, so we have to go in parking lots, though I am getting much more brave [& I can actually carve a little and go down small declines]. Pretty soon, I'll really be able to carve; I told him that we should move to California so we can longboard year-round on the Pacific Coast Highway. I think that would be the best. [He laughed.]

We also sorted out our taxes with a professional. Let's just say that we'll probably get enough money back to build that barn and put a solarium on top. [Ha ha.]