Search for meaning

I don't know if it's the changing of the seasons or something, but it seems I always get a bit introspective around fall/winter. It's a welcome change; I find I'm less content with all things in my life and I find myself wanting more--and not necessarily more in terms of possessions or money or things which change at any given second, but more from myself.

Sometimes this leads me to unhappiness; I push too hard. 

Lately, I've found myself wondering what it all means? And sometimes it's a bit hopeless, sometimes a bit hopeful, and sometimes I just flat out feel confused. I can see the big picture and I can see the way in which it's framed and I know I'm almost there... and yet. Here I am.

I find myself searching for meaning in the ways I spend my time. I am horrible with self-control when it comes to things. I think, ok, tomorrow I'm not going to do this or this and spend this much time on this and then tomorrow comes and it's all out the window.

I think, instead, my time would be more productive if I thought in terms of, ok, tomorrow I'm going to do this and this and this and if I have a little time to waste, then I can do that.

Realistically, I am really, really good at beating myself up over things I can't control, old issues which I thought I had a handle on, things I thought I was done worrying about years ago.  To be honest, as a person, I am a worrier.  I try not to worry, because as my husband says, worrying is like a rocking chair:  it's something to do, but never gets you anywhere.  But it's deeper than that--I worry about being a good mother, about whether they should watch any TV at all and what things am I already behind on teaching them?  I guess the fact that I worry at all speaks something, says I'm a good parent because I actually care enough to worry what else I could be doing.

The thing I'm thinking lately, though, is that while my girls are pretty good company, they're still infants.  And the things I think are getting louder and louder because I'm home and sometimes being home all day with infants is honestly sort of lonely.  I'm sort of a quiet person, but I've realized it's because my head is so loud I occasionally forget to speak. 

I like to figure things out and think deeper and flesh out reasons for things.  I've found I like to think positively about people.  That's important to me, and I've realized that being negative is difficult and can get out of control quickly.  My family has gone through some really awful things lately, and beneath it all, I think:  still, there's good in the world.  Most people mean well.  Some don't, and I guess that's ok, and it will all work out somehow.  There are moments when I can't feel this way; then there are other times where I just won't think negatively about people because honestly?  Most everyone is just doing their best to live their version of the truth.  Most people are doing the best they can. 

I guess what I'm trying to say is this:  I'm doing the best I can.  I'm not the best person I know how to be, but I'm working on it. 

2012! 2012!

It's a new year, and we have a lot of things going on for us.  Like approximately one baby in my lungs (it's an odd feeling).

I've decided that this year, my goal is to be more positive.  If you know me really well, you know I don't react all that well to change.  The funny thing is, my life will change more this year than probably any other, and change will probably become my middle name.

First things first:  moving out of our apartment, and into my in-laws house.  I am actually really relieved this is happening--sad, because I always feel sort of sad and nostalgic when we move.  So much good has come to us while living at our place, but it's time, and our circumstances will just be made so much easier with this change.  So move we will!

And then we will have two new members of our family in the spring.  I am really SO EXCITED.  Totally and completely terrified as well, but it's exciting to think this is really happening and I'm not dreaming. 

Yesterday, we had a doctor visit and I had to do the glucose drink for gestational diabetes test.  One thing I've learned so far while being pregnant is this:  nothing is as bad as most people make it out to be.  Exclamation point!  I was really dreading it.  To be honest, it wasn't bad, everything went well, and our girls are looking so good.  One bonus of having twins is that I've had an ultrasound at every appointment, and we've gotten to see them grow, which is nice--I'm a visual person (and a heavy worrier), so the confirmation that they're really in there is good for me.  Yesterday, baby A was kicking baby B while she was napping, so I'm hoping that means we'll have at least one mellow child.  It was a little funny to watch those legs go nuts, and all the while, the other one just didn't care too much. All along, I've thought baby B was the mover and shaker but I think it's the other way around; I guess I can't feel baby A as much because she's so low?  I'm not sure.

I love my doctor.  She makes me feel so calm.  I told her I thought I was having contractions/Braxton Hicks last Saturday night in the middle of the night, and she said she was glad (!!) because that means I can feel contractions, I'll know what they'll feel like, and it's normal to have them around this stage, as long as they don't get worse/more frequent, etc.  Which is great, because I was really freaking out on Saturday night... until I fell asleep again--whoops.  Ha!  (Right now, I'm 24 weeks, will be 25 on Thursday, hence why I was freaking out.  Didn't know you can get those well before the time your baby's supposed to come.)

I'm not sleeping as well at night, but I go to bed early enough that it's not too bad.  Honestly, I really thought being pregnant with twins was going to be a battlefield nightmare.  I am here to tell you that it hasn't been so, and I have been SO blessed to be able to work and continue on with life as (mostly) normal while my housband can keep going to school.  And guess WHAT!  This is his last year of undergraduate education, so who knows where we'll be come December.  It's exciting and scary.  I am just really happy with where we're at right now, because I know things could be so different for us.  Things have a strange and silly way of working themselves out, even if it's not what I really had in mind at all.

So this year, I really want to work on complaining less, working hard to be a better person, and have a positive outlook.  I really value people who tell me positive things about pregnancy/life/marriage/change/whatever, and I want to be that for other people.

But I do have to say that I am pretty disappointed that I burnt more than half the cupcakes I made last night.  Apparently I can't read directions anymore, and with that, let me say that my brain has officially become even less accommodating of common sense than it was before being pregnant, so there's that.  A fun adjustment!

Life is good!  2012 will not be the year of the beast!  In fact, I am going to go erase that chalkboard now! (You can read about 2011 and its self-fulfilling prophecy here.)  I don't know why I haven't already erased it! 2012!  The best year ever!

Resolutions

I always think it's interesting when people post about their resolutions for the new year. 

Mine generally include Remembering The Year Has Changed (more difficult, every year, than I think it will be)

and

Not Making Any Real Resolutions, mostly because inevitably I will forget about them/become unmotivated very early on/start to resent them, so I just avoid them all together.  Also, I prefer to go with the flow of inspiration, which generally doesn't come because we begin a new year at 12:01 a.m. one random day. (Though this seems to change every year; come back next year and ask me again and I will likely have another opinion on it.)

Here's my flow of inspiration as of late:  I've really wanted to learn to paint and learn to weld.  And become a really stellar welder, in fact.   I've also been looking into making some furniture for my home, so I suppose I'll let you know how that goes.  I have a friend who's pretty good at it (no, it's not my housband, and he most likely doesn't want to be involved because he doesn't get excited about FURNITURE! like I do, probably because I don't let him decorate with Spiderman posters in our main living area and things like that), so we are going to whittle a table for my homestead.  Not a TABLE table, but actually a side table kind of thing, and if I can make up my mind about what it should look like and features it should include, oh, and also find money for the supplies, eventually we'll get this thing banged out and ready to go.

So.  That's where I'm at.  How 'bout you?

New year

I enjoy winter. I especially enjoy winter this year, because of my puppy--we have to walk him, so now my housband will go on walks with me outside. I love going on walks. I'm generally very introverted, so I work things out in my head. But on walks, it's a stream-of-consciousness conversation where we work out thoughts, plans and dreams together. It doesn't matter that I look like an old Russian lady with my hood pulled over my head and tied tight; I will always remember these times as good.

Secondly, my dog helps me sleep more normal hours. I naturally tend to stay up late and get things done. However, he and my housband prefer to go to bed earlier, and I like to go to bed with them.

I've found several blogs I really like in the last little while. I'll have to share them later. I've decided I really like people that exude goodness. People who only speak kindly of others, and are just generally pleasant. I guess a lot of people could fit that category, but I'm thinking very specifically of a couple people. I want to be more like that.

I've written before that I tend not to make resolutions for the new year, mostly because I hate disappointing myself--I find I can be really very harsh toward myself when I don't meet my own goals. However, I think I'll go for it this year. Here are my Twenty-Ten goals:

• Do better at advertising my business. Get more clients, improve my business sense, and continue improving my photography skills. Go for it this year--see what it can really do for me.

• Show more kindness to others; try harder to find the good in others, and focus on generating goodness. Don't participate in gossip or talking badly about others. It's never felt good, and it never will.

• Write more. Poetry, essays, fiction, whatever. I miss it immensely.

• Continue to downsize and remember, people are more important than things. Things just take up space. As the youngest of a bunch of kids, I've finally learned that having lots of things doesn't equate to happiness. It just means more work later when you have to go through it all.


Lastly, I have something in mind for my this year's photo project; I'll have to fill you in later. Happy Sunday!

One Last Thing

My housband and I go to the gym fairly often, and I have to say, I never understand guys who build their upper body, but leave their legs stick-thin. So weird!

I guess they deserve to be loved, too. [Year-round resolutions, remember?]

Resolutions

I don't usually make resolutions. Actually, I sometimes do, but I don't really share them; what if they don't work out? I don't want to be a fool.

But I think I've come up with a good one, and in time, when it's ready, I'll share. But hopefully it'll be one step to helping me come closer to making my dream a reality and moving forward with something positive.

In the meantime, here's what my new year looked like.




I tried to catch some of the fireworks, but I just couldn't catch them--my fingers are too slow. Most of my photos were blurry, but I was lucky to find a pair that weren't.

May this new year be a good one. Maybe this year, I'll start trying to find the good in everything, complain less, think less negative thoughts, find happiness in little things, and be a force for good. I suppose those are resolutions... but those are my year-round resolutions, so I think they're perma-resolutions. And that kind is ok with me.